The Long Road Home
by ChelseaxQ
Summary: Castiel Novak, a small town priest of Lawrence. Kansas, is content with his life, until a stranger appears in confession one night and changes everything. Dean Winchester, a man with a dangerous past will make Castiel question his morals and break his vows. Will their love be enough to save them when the past comes to call, or will they fall victim to the cruelty of fate.
1. Chapter 1

This is going to be a long and sometimes angsty journey, but stick with me, I promise there will be a happy ending.

I own nothing, all characters property of some lucky bastard. I'm just borrowing them, I promise to give them back when I'm done.

I plan on updating every week, probably on Sundays.

M rating for later chapters.

Thanks for reading.

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**Chapter 1**

"We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness."

-Albert Schweitzer

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Castiel Novak had been a priest at St. Marie's Parish for four years. He had settled in the small town of Lawrence, Kansas. In a town where everybody knew everything about everybody, he was something of a mystery. He had arrived to replace an elderly priest who had recently passed away. There was quite a commotion at his arrival for he was nothing like his predecessor. He was young for a man of the cloth, and with his piercing blue eyes, a voice that could send shivers through the spines of the most frigid of women, and his tangle of soft brown locks, well he had secured his place in the hearts of many of the young women of the parish. He took the looks and flirtations as well as he took everything, with a good humored laugh, and a smile that only exacerbated their feelings for him. He was a good preacher, and a beloved member of the clergy. The parishioners particularly enjoyed his sermons, and the church was always fullest during the evening services when he was preaching. Whenever a member of the community had a problem it was always to Father Castiel they turned, whether to seek his advice, or to confess their sins to him in the confessional. Yes, it was fair to say that he had settled in quite well, had carved out a little place for himself in the respect of his community. He was alone, but he was content, he wanted nothing that he didn't already have, and he was for all intents and purposes, happy. Then he came, like a violent storm that shook him to his very core, a man unlike any he had ever met.

It was a few weeks into October; Castiel could hear the boys in the choir talking excitedly about Halloween as he prepared for that afternoon's sermon. He smiled to himself at their youthful exuberance. He sat at his battered mahogany desk, in the room that had become his office and also a place where he could reflect and prepare for his clerical duties. As he was putting the finishing touches to his sermon, one he was certain it was to be another success; there was a knock at his door. "Come in." he called from his place at the desk. It was the church's Monsignor, Father Michael. "Michael," said Castiel pleasantly. "Sit down, please."

"Thank you," said Michael, smiling. "Working on your sermon I see, does this one promise to be as delightfully enlightening as last week's."

"I hope so." said Castiel, a touch modestly at the compliment. "Is there anything I can do for you, I've just finished here." he said gesturing to the pile of papers in front of him.

"Yes, there is something I need you to do. After today's service, I will require a priest to hear confessions."

"I thought Father Gabriel had agreed to do it."

"Ah yes, well it seems that Gabriel has been taken ill quite suddenly. As you are well aware the only other members of this clergy are Raphael, and Balthazar, and Deacons cannot hear confessions, nor give absolution." said Michael.

"I am aware," said Castiel thoughtfully. "You require me to hear confessions this evening?"

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble." Michael replied gently. "You work too hard Castiel; a man of your age should enjoy himself more."

"I enjoy my work and the work of God." said Castiel solemnly. "I would be happy to fill in for Father Gabriel this evening."

"Thank you, Castiel, I am much obliged." said Michael rising. "You'd better get out there soon; the sanctuary was already half full when I came in here. They can't get enough of you, can they?"

Castiel rose, smiling good-naturedly and followed Michael to the sanctuary. The service went as well as he'd anticipated, and he was pleased to such so many people in attendance. Afterwards he stood by the door shaking hands and wishing his parishioners well. He smiled modestly at the compliments he received, of what a lovely service it had been. When everyone had finally filed out of the church Castiel made his way over to the row of confessionals. There were four of them, though he didn't know why, only one was ever used at a time. He chose his favorite, the one on the far left, and settled down. He didn't really expect anyone to show up. If anyone had needed to, they would have waited behind after the service. He was content to wait, for there may be a member of the flock wary of being recognized. Usually they would circle around the church a few times before reentering. Castiel always knew who it was; he was very good with voices. He would never let on that he knew, and it was very rare for him to hear an unfamiliar voice. It was an hour or so after the service ended when he heard quiet footfalls approaching the confessional.

The door opened and a figure sat on the other side of the mesh screen. Castiel could tell it was a man from the silhouette. He waved his hand in front of the screen to signal that he was there and listening. He was much surprised when a voice he had never heard before spoke.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been fifteen years since my last confession and these are my sins."

There was silence for a long while. "It's alright, my son. You may speak freely." he said reassuringly.

The rough voice spoke again. "I don't really know where to start. I've done bad things, Father."

Castiel could hear the man slurring slightly, that plus the smell of whiskey slowly filling the confessional made it clear why he was there. "All sins may be forgiven if you repent and truly desire God's forgiveness."

"Not sure if it's his forgiveness I'm after." Castiel could hear him heave a sigh, and when he spoke again it was with emptiness and a resignation he had never heard before in a man's voice. "I've hurt people, a lot of people, killed them. You see I've got a skill set that comes in pretty handy. I'm good at slashing throats I have to be, I got roped into this gig a long time ago. Believe it, or not, this isn't exactly what I wanted out of life, but when does anyone ever get what they want? Doesn't matter that I don't want to do it, I'm being made to do these things. It's easier if I think of them as jobs, not people, maybe that's how I sleep at night. At first I tried to get out of it, but I realized a long time ago, that there is no getting out. I do it, I get paid and if I don't well there's a lot of pain in a lot of places."

The man paused and Castiel who had been shocked into silence found his voice. "It is not a man's place to decide who lives and who dies, my son. Murder in any form, for any reason, is a grave sin. You must understand this." Castiel hesitated a moment, "How many?"

There was silence for a long time and Castiel became certain that the man would not answer him. "You know what," he said finally. "I've lost count over the years, or maybe I just pretend I have, maybe I know exactly how many, maybe I see them every night when I sleep."

"Is that why you're here? Do you feel remorse for what you have done?" Castiel asked him, unsure of how he would answer.

"Honestly, I don't know why I'm here. Don't know if I feel remorse either, truth is I haven't felt anything in a really long time."

"Maybe it is your desire to feel again which has brought you here tonight, a way to begin anew within the graces of the Lord." Castiel spoke gently and reassuringly.

"Maybe you're right." the man said, but his tone of voice proved that he felt differently. "I like you." he said after a brief pause.

Castiel was thoroughly taken aback at this, scrambling for something to say he spoke, "How can you like me?" he asked genuinely confused. "You don't even know me."

"I like the way you talk." he mumbled drunkenly. "The sound of your voice, I could listen to it for hours."

"That is kind of you to say." Castiel replied unsure of how the confession had taken this turn, but determined to get it back on track again. "My son, it is a rare thing for a man to make a confession when he feels no remorse and wishes not to repent. May I ask what it is you wished to accomplish this evening?"

"I don't know," he said quietly. "I guess I just wanted somebody to talk to, you know. I go to bars and meet people, but they're always after something, money, sex, it's all the same. I just figured you'd listen to what I had to say, really listen, and not judge."

"It is not my place to judge you, my son, it is my place to listen to all you wish to tell me, and absolve you of your sins if you wish to be forgiven in the eyes of the Lord. Is this what you wish, to be forgiven?" Castiel asked.

"Don't we all?" he asked sadly. "Thing is I don't think I deserve to be forgiven. Some stains go too deep, and no matter how hard you scrub, you can never wash them away, not completely."

"Is this how you see yourself?" Castiel asked. "Forever tainted with wickedness, with no hope of salvation"

"Pretty much sums me up" he said bitterly.

"You must know, and I say this not a priest to one of his flock, but as one soul to another, if there is even a tiny part of you that is still good, that wishes to know peace, there is always hope. All sins may be washed clean."

"You think so?" the bitter edge had left his voice; he sounded so young, and vulnerable.

"Yes," Castiel said sincerely. "I believe this to be true, with my whole heart."

"Huh, well seeing as I'm not repenting, I guess you won't be absolving anything tonight. I might as well hit the road." he said, his voice regaining some of its harshness.

This would be the part where Castiel would tell him 'alright' and let him go. He knew that that was what he should do, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. This man had simultaneously intrigued, and shocked him, more so than anyone he had ever met, and he hadn't even met him, not really. He made up his mind as the man began to rise. "Will you do something for me?" he asked quickly, before he lost his nerve.

"If it's ten Hail Mary's or something like that, the answers no." he said continuing to rise.

"No it's nothing like that." said Castiel. "Will you attend the service tomorrow evening?"

"Like Mass, with the singing and the prayers, and stuff like that?" he asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, I am giving a sermon tomorrow, I think it would do you some good to hear it." said Castiel, trying not to sound desperate. "Please."

"Well, it would give me a chance to see if your face is as pretty as your voice." Castiel lived a lifetime in his pause. "I'll see what I can do. See you around, Father." he said as he left the confessional.

Castiel sat for several long moments, lost in thought before he rose and left the confessional. He hadn't realized how long he had been talking to the stranger and he had the following day's sermon to write. He walked through the sanctuary mind still reeling from the encounter. He tried to push the man's words and his husky voice from his mind as he settled down at his desk to begin his sermon. He had planned on speaking about the importance of giving back to the community, but as he began, he found himself writing about hope and forgiveness. As he wrote the words of comfort and encouragement he couldn't help but wonder if the stranger would hear them, he hoped that he would. He finished his sermon, quite sure that it was going to be one of his best, and left the church, locking up as he did so. He was quite often the last one there, everyone else finishing their duties and leaving before he did.

Castiel liked the church like this, quiet and empty, perfect for peace of mind and reflection. He found no peace of mind tonight, however, as he walked the short distance from the church to the home he inhabited. It was a small home, modest and to his liking. There were two bedrooms, his own bedroom and a spare across the hall, a bathroom, a small kitchen that opened up into the sitting room and a garage that was filled mostly with junk. It had belonged to the priest whom he had replaced. Though it was common for the clergy to live on church grounds, he was the only one who did so. The monsignor, Father Gabriel, and the Deacons all lived elsewhere.

Castiel didn't mind, he enjoyed being so close to the church he loved so much. He loved waking up each morning and seeing the tall crucifix-topped spire from his bedroom window. The bedroom he now entered as he began removing his clothes for bed. He wore a simple black shirt and collar when he wasn't preaching. Unlike some of the other priests he felt that the lack of ornate vestments made him more approachable, and to be honest he hated the way the heavy fabric seemed to weigh him down. He placed his collar gingerly on his nightstand, as he did every night and climbed into bed. Unlike most nights, he found himself unable to sleep. His mind kept wandering to the stranger in the confessional, playing his words over and over again in his mind. Instead of attempting to wrestle with his thought any longer, he got up and knelt beside his bed to pray. Praying always helped him to clear his mind when he was upset or confused, but just who he was praying for, he didn't know.

He awoke the next morning decidedly more nervous about the day's service than he had ever been. He rose and dressed trying hard not to think about who might be in attendance. Trying and failing miserably. He entered the church, as always he was the first one there, and prepared the altar for the morning service. Father Gabriel always lead the morning service and Castiel the evening. Castiel knew that he and Father Michael would be arriving soon, and he retreated to his office in the hopes of avoiding them. He needed time to prepare for his sermon, not the sermon itself, but his own mind. He found himself jittery, and anxious, feelings he had never before associated with preaching. He had no idea how an anonymous stranger could have done this to him, and he had stopped kidding himself as to the source of his nerves. He also didn't kid himself as to whether or not he would show up. To a man like that, truth, and promises were as fleeting as a winter sunset. He hadn't even promised, Castiel knew that, but still he hoped.

The hours wound down he realized how tense he still was, he knew there would be no peace for him this evening. Twenty minutes before the service there came a knock at his door. "Come in." he called distractedly. It was Father Michael. Castiel wondered if perhaps he was required to hear confessions again, after the service. Michael sat across from and smiled. "You've been quite secluded today, Castiel. Not turning into a recluse on us, are you?" he ask good-naturedly.

"I have had a lot on my mind this morning. I thought I'd use my time before the service, for solitude, and reflection." replied Castiel easily.

"And have you found solace in these pursuits?" asked Michael kindly.

"I'm not sure." replied Castiel truthfully.

"Is there something troubling you?" asked Michael.

"No, not troubling me. There's just something I can't put my finger on." or someone, he added to himself. "I'll have it sorted by this evening."

"Is this something you wish to discuss with me?"

"No," Castiel told him. "It is not of import."

"Alright," said Michael rising. "Just so you know my door is always open if you wish to speak to me. You give courage and guidance to many; it is good to accept the same for yourself once in a while."

"Thank you." said Castiel also rising.

"Good luck." said Michael as he turned the corner. "There's quite crowd today."

Castiel turned in the opposite direction and walked towards the sanctuary, trying not to think of just who might be in attendance. He entered the sanctuary, donned his vestments, which he only wore during services, and approached the altar. His eyes scanned the congregation of about fifty people, looking for an unfamiliar face, he found none. His hope deflated he stood before his flock, and preached, all the while his mind wandering to the stranger, and wondering where he might be. After the service ended he stood by the door greeting parishioners and making conversation. He was in the middle of discussing Mrs. Braeden's son Ben, and his interest in joining the choir, when from the corner of his eye he glimpsed a strange sight.

A man whom he had never seen before in church or in town stood a little away from the group of people. He leaned casually against one the stone pillars that lined the large sanctuary. He was unlike the people who usually attended the church. Dressed in far from his Sunday best, he wore thick-soled, leather boots, worn, and slightly tattered jeans, and a well-worn brown leather jacket. Incongruous as his clothes seemed to be, it was his face that Castiel couldn't keep his eyes from. He had a firm jawline, covered in a day's stubble, soft, supple lips, and eyes of a startling green. He would have appeared delicate, almost feminine, if not for the way he held himself, jaw clenched, arms folded over his chest. It was also clear from the look in his eye that this was not a man to be trifled with. It was these eyes now that had locked onto Castiel, the man had seen him looking, and now flashed him a grin.

Castiel became aware of how he was staring, but he couldn't stop, the man was for lack of a better word, beautiful. And the way he looked at Castiel, like he was transparent, like he could see straight through to the heart of him, made Castiel's breath catch in his throat. He managed to tear his eyes away from the man long enough to disengage from Mrs. Braeden, he took a step away from her and looked up to the stranger striding towards him from across the room. He was not unaware of how the eyes of many of the women in the room, and some of the men seemed to follow him, and Castiel couldn't blame them. It was unbelievable that a man of his height and build could possess such grace, but he moved as smoothly and effortlessly as if he had been walking underwater. From the knowing smirk on his face, he was well aware of the effect he was having, but he had only eyes for Castiel. He stared intently as he approached and Castiel found it difficult to not be as affected as the others while trapped in such a gaze.

The man stood before Castiel, eyes looking him up and down, in a way Castiel didn't entirely dislike, before coming to rest on his face. He smiled as he spoke, "That was a real nice service, Father. You're a good speaker."

A shiver ran down Castiel's spine when he spoke. The deep, husky tone and underlying roughness were unmistakable. This was the man who had so affected him in the confessional the night before. He had come back, like Castiel had so hoped he would. It took him a moment to get his breath back from the shock, and when he spoke it was in a voice that shook only slightly. "Thank you," he said. "It's very kind of you to say so."

"Oh, I mean it." the man replied, grinning wolfishly. "You've got the voice of an angel."

"This is the first time I've heard it described as such, and I'll take it as a compliment, thank you." replied Castiel, trying not to appear as flustered as he felt. "I've never seen you at service before, are you new in town?" he asked trying to steer the conversation away from himself.

"Yeah," he replied. "Just passing through on business, y'know."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am Father Castiel." said Castiel extending his hand toward the stranger. He wondered if the man would take it, would tell him his name, or would he get another vague answer and nothing more. He didn't realize he had been holding his breath until he released it when the man grasped his hand in a firm handshake.

"Good to meet you, Father. I'm Dean Winchester." he said, smile broadening.

"Well, Dean." said Castiel, feeling a slight thrill at saying his name. "I hope you find our town to your liking, and I hope to see you again, whether at service or otherwise."

Dean licked his lips suggestively before replying. "I hope so too, Father."

Castiel felt himself blush, and dropped his eyes nervously to the floor. He looked up, to say something and saw that Dean was striding purposely for the door. He paused at the threshold, turned and looked at Castiel for a moment. He wasn't smiling anymore, their eyes locked, and in that moment Castiel could see in him a sadness, and hopelessness he had never seen before. It lasted only for a second, and at once the mask was back in place. Dean smiled at him, a little less convincingly than before, and then he stepped through the door and disappeared.

Castiel finished saying goodbye to the parishioners, and when the sanctuary was finally empty he walked to the nearest pew and sat down. He didn't know what he was feeling. He wanted so much for the mystery man of the night before to attend the service, but now that he had, Castiel didn't know what to think of him. He thought he would see a cold, calculating man, a killer, not the smiling, friendly man he had met less than an hour ago. He had expected to be afraid of him, but he wasn't, he was curious. Dean Winchester, the name kept running though his mind, he wondered if it was even his real name, probably not, in that line of work anonymity was of the utmost importance. He had thought briefly, before he met Dean, that the man from the night before had been lying, that it had been some practical joke, but Castiel had sat though enough confessions to know honesty when he heard it.

He now sat, head in hands, wondering what he should do. He knew he should just let it go; it wasn't his place to concern himself in the affairs of his flock, besides confessionals were supposed to private and anonymous. He just couldn't let it go; he couldn't get this Dean Winchester out of his head. He told himself that it was because he wanted to help him, to lead him from his sinful path, but if he was honest with himself; he wanted to know the man. He had never met a man like him, and knew that he probably never would again. Not that it mattered anyway, he was just passing through, and Castiel didn't kid himself that he would see him again. It didn't stop him from hoping though, and when Father Gabriel entered the sanctuary, headed for the confessionals, Castiel jumped up and offered to take over for him. Father Gabriel was grateful, he still wasn't feeling well, and if he noticed anything strange in Castiel's behavior, he didn't mention it.

Castiel settled down in the confessional, he didn't really think that Dean would return, and as the hours ticked by with nothing more interesting than an adulterer, and a liar, he found himself wondering where Dean was, if he was still in town. He was still lost in these musings when he rose and left the confessional, having seen or heard nothing of Dean that night. As Castiel prepared for bed, lost in thought, he realized that he was more concerned with the stranger now than he had been the night before. He thought that he would relax after the service, after he had seen whether or not Dean would show up. Now though, his mind raced through a thousand new questions, and he lay awake for a long time before he fell asleep. He didn't get up to pray.


	2. Chapter 2

So this time we've got some sassy Gabriel and our boys having a proper conversation.

I hope you enjoy it, thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all characters property of some lucky bastard. I'm just borrowing them, I promise to give them back when I'm done.**  
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**Chapter 2**

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all."

-Emily Dickinson

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Castiel awoke early the next morning feeling like he hadn't slept at all. He felt so turned around and conflicted as he dressed. He knew it was wrong to be so focused on this man, on his confession that Castiel was sworn only to hear, not to judge. Only Castiel wasn't sure if judging was what he was doing. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, in all his years as a priest; he had never felt such an obligation to do something. It was always his place to listen, and to advise, but he longed to do more. He heaved a sigh, and decided then and there, that he would forget Dean Winchester; that he would go about his duties, live his life and pay no more mind to this man. Someone once told him that he shouldn't let people rent space in his head. He never fully understood what that had meant, until now. He walked from his home, toward the church, feeling lighter than he had the previous day. He settled down in his office to begin work on the sermon he had been too distracted to write the night before. He found the words came easily and he was just finishing as Father Gabriel and the Deacons arrived.

Gabriel stepped through the door that had been left slightly ajar and sat himself down across from Castiel. "Thanks for covering for me last night, I felt horrible."

"It was no trouble," said Castiel. "I hope you're feeling better today."

"I am." replied Gabriel. "So, I heard there was a mystery man at the service yesterday. I heard all about him from my neighbor Gert."

"I don't know who you mean." said Castiel nervously. "I didn't see anyone new last night."

"Really?" said Gabriel disbelievingly. "Because I heard that you two were talking for quite some time before he left."

"Oh, right, him." Yes, well I suppose I did speak to a man for a while after the service."

"And, I need details Castiel, don't hold out on me." said Gabriel, almost giddily.

"There is really nothing to tell. I mean we talked for a few minutes, and then he left." said Castiel, evasively.

"Did you get a name, I heard he was turning heads, if you know what I mean." said Gabriel waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"His name is Dean Winchester, and I'm not sure about the second part, but I suppose he did make quite an impression." replied Castiel, smiling. Gabriel had always had a love of gossip. He was never happier than when he was swapping tales with churchgoers after a service.

"Will he be back?" asked Gabriel.

"I'm not sure. He said he was just passing through on business, and that he wouldn't be in town too long." Castiel told him.

"Huh," said Gabriel, raising an eyebrow at him. "And you said that there was nothing to tell."

"There really isn't." said Castiel, earnestly.

"So, a tall, dark stranger waltzes in here and takes a particular interest in you, and it's nothing. Ok, sure I believe you." said Gabriel, sounding as if he didn't believe it for a second.

"There is nothing, and he certainly didn't take an interest in me." replied Castiel becoming slightly flustered.

"From what I heard he only had eyes for you." said Gabriel smugly. "I just thought that maybe this was a figure from your mysterious past.

"My past isn't mysterious, just because I choose not to divulge the intimate details of my life to anyone who'll listen, and the assumption that I've met this man before is preposterous, he is a complete stranger." said Castiel sounding frustrated.

"Whoa," said Gabriel, holding up his hand. "I didn't mean anything by it. I just meant that there is a lot of curiosity surrounding you and this stranger. There's no need to bite my head off."

"My apologies," said Castiel. "I didn't mean to snap at you."

"Don't worry about it." said Gabriel. "I'd better get going anyway; I have to lead a service in a half an hour. Let me know if you find out anything about him, I'm dying to know."

"I will," said Castiel. "I hope you have a lovely service."

"Thanks," said Gabriel, standing. "I'll see you later, Castiel."

"Goodbye." Castiel said to his retreating form.

When the door had closed, when he was alone again, Castiel sighed heavily. He had hoped that he had left these dangerous musings behind him this morning, but it seemed that they had returned. He hadn't thought about what people would think of Dean, or what people would think of seeing them together. He should have known tongues would wag. In such a small town people put a great deal of stock in the local gossip, particularly the women, and Dean looking the way he did, handsome, and dangerous, would certainly draw a lot of attention. Not that Castiel cared much about what people thought, he never had, it's just that he had wanted to forget Dean, wipe the slate clean, and pretend that it had never happened. It seemed to Castiel that that was no longer an option. He would just have to deal with the inevitable gossip, about the stranger, about his past, and soon they would move on to different topics, hopefully ones that didn't involve him. He would be patient, and wait it out. In a few weeks' time no one would even remember Dean Winchester, no one except Castiel.

Castiel stayed in his office, lost in thought, until the evening service. Father Michael had to pop in to remind him not to be late. He rushed to the sanctuary to find it nearly full, and he stopped himself from scanning the crowd for a pair of bright, green eyes. As he spoke he lifted his eyes periodically to rest on various members of the congregation. Towards the end of the service he saw a slight movement near the back of the sanctuary. Looking closer he saw it was a man, leaning against one of the columns by the door. With a jolt Castiel realized that it was Dean. Their eyes met, and Castiel found it difficult to keep speaking. Stumbling over his words for the third time, he tore his eyes from Dean's, fearful that when he looked back he would be gone. Castiel regained some of his composure, and when he looked back Dean was still there, grinning at him. He didn't have the strength to look away a second time.

Twenty minutes later when the service had finally ended, Castiel found himself hurrying to clean up, removing his robes, and replacing his Bible beneath the altar. As a result he ended up walking down to greet the parishioners earlier than usual. He took his accustomed place by the door, his eyes scanning the crowd of people who had left their seats, and were now moving slowly towards the door. He didn't see Dean anywhere, and figured he must have ducked out before the service ended. Castiel felt a slight pang of disappointment as he was approached by Mr. Harrison, an older man who never missed one of his services. He had spoken to several more people, and the crowd had thinned to only half a dozen, when he looked up to see Dean standing very close to him. He moved quickly, and so silently that Castiel hadn't even heard him coming. Standing before him Castiel didn't know what he should say; thankfully the choice was taken from him.

"Hello again, Father." he said amiably.

"Hello Dean." replied Castiel, shaking the hand that was offered him. Dean had a firm handshake, and warm, callused hands.

"You remembered my name!" Dean exclaimed, sounding pleased.

"Yes, I suppose I did." said Castiel, meeting his eyes for the first time. "You've made quite the impression on the Parish, you know."

"Have I now?" asked Dean smiling.

"Oh, yes" said Castiel enthusiastically. "From what I hear you're the center of all the latest gossip."

"You wouldn't happen to have participated in this gossip at all, have you, Father?" asked Dean.

"No, I most certainly have not. I don't participate in such trivial conversation" said Castiel thinking of his talk with Gabriel earlier, and felt himself blushing slightly.

"Oh really?" asked Dean, sounding thoroughly unconvinced. "So what have they been saying about me?"

"Oh, the usual, wondering who you are, where you're from, wanting to know every insignificant detail about you." replied Castiel casually.

"That's the usual around here?" asked Dean wide-eyed.

"It's a small town." Castiel told him, as if that explained everything. "You'll get used to it."

"Don't know if I'll be in town long enough to." replied Dean,

"My apologies," said Castiel quickly, feeling foolish. "I almost forgot you won't be in town long. Just passing through on business, right?"

"Right business," said Dean casually enough, but the look in his eyes said more, said that he remembered his confession from the other night, that maybe there was a reason he was here, apart from a drunken promise.

"As long as you are here I want you to see this church as a home to you, and know that you are always welcome here. When you are in need of guidance, or a place of peace, and reflection, whatever you are looking for, I hope that you will find it here." said Castiel sincerely.

"Maybe I already have." said Dean turning to go. "See you around, Father."

Castiel watched him go feeling uneasy and confused. He looked around to see that everyone else had filed out of the church, and he was alone. Tonight was his night to hear confessions and he was glad for the distraction. He needed some time to process what had happened. He thought briefly back to this morning, as he made his way to the confessionals, he had been so content. Before Gabriel had arrived, bringing news of the stranger he had almost erased him completely from his mind. His conversation with Gabriel, and his latest encounter with Dean had brought the man to the forefront of his thoughts once again. He forcefully pushed all thoughts of Dean aside as he settled down in the confessional; this was no time to let his mind wander. There would be time for that later, when he was home, but not now.

He sat through only two confessions that night, nothing really to write home about. He was headed for his office to get his things, he would not be staying late this evening, there was a peace that the church offered him, but not the contentment he felt in his own home, and that's what he needed now. He was on his way out when he ran into Gabriel, who was also headed home. "Goodnight Gabriel." he said.

"Leaving so soon? I thought you usually stayed late." Gabriel said.

"Not tonight." replied Castiel simply.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with that stranger, would it?" Gabriel asked.

"No," said Castiel, who knew full well that it was a sin to lie. "Not really." he amended.

"Not really, huh?" said Gabriel skeptically. "I'm guessing I'm not gonna get the full story, am I?" he asked.

"I'm afraid not." said Castiel. "It's not that I don't want to tell you, I just can't. I hope you understand."

"Of course I do." replied Gabriel kindly, placing a hand gently on Castiel's shoulder. "Just know that I'm always here if you ever need to talk."

"Thank you." said Castiel.

"Goodnight." said Gabriel, taking his hand from Castiel's shoulder and turning to go.

He was gone in a moment, and Castiel followed more slowly. That was the second person in two days who had offered their ear to listen to his troubles. Was Dean really having such an effect on him that others were beginning to notice? He pondered this as he walked home. When he had locked the door behind him, he settled down in the armchair in the living room. He wondered what Dean could have possibly meant when he said he had found what he was looking for. He had no idea; in fact every time he spoke with the man he became even more confused than before, he sighed in frustration. It was getting cold and he considered lighting a fire in the small fire place to his left. He decided against it and just sat, lost in thought as it became colder, and darker around him.

After several hours of this Castiel became aware of how late it had gotten. He dragged himself from the armchair thoughts still whirling confusedly through his mind. He entered his bedroom and began stripping his clothes off with less care than usual; he removed his collar and tossed it on his nightstand and fell into bed in nothing more than his boxers. He lay awake for a while before sleep finally overcame him. He awoke early the next morning and sat up in bed, stretching. He had a busy day ahead of him; it was Tuesday, meaning it was his day to do his shopping. He very rarely left the church grounds, spending much of his time in his office, and his home. He didn't mind going out so much, although he was often cornered by someone or another and forced to listen to a long winded tale of how good little Sammy is doing, or of Anna's wonderful ballet recital. When he found himself in these situations he usually didn't know how to respond, never knowing exactly what to say. Thankfully he didn't have to say much, seeing as the proud mothers usually said enough for the both of them.

Wondering if he'd be able to avoid any awkward conversations today, he dressed, fixing his collar in the mirror so it sat perfect. He left his house, locking the door behind him. He walked to the driveway and the 1961 Chevy Chevelle he rarely used. It was old and incredibly rusted; Castiel honestly didn't know how the thing still ran. Half the time when he was behind the wheel he felt as if it were running on a hope and a prayer, which it may actually have been doing. He settled himself behind the wheel and held his breath as he turned the key, the engine roared to life. He sighed in relief. "Still got some life in you." he said patting the dashboard.

He pulled out of his driveway and turned the corner. It was a fifteen minute drive to the grocery store, and he pulled into the parking lot, and was relived to find it relatively empty. Hopefully there wouldn't be too many people around. Castiel was kind, and polite, and always a delight to talk to, but the truth was, he was a very private person. He didn't like sharing his life with strangers, unlike so many of the people around here, who were always quick to share everything. He guessed that's why some people believed he had a mysterious past, because after four years, they had gleaned nothing of it from him.

He grabbed a cart and entered the store. As he walked through the aisles stocking up for the week he wondered for probably the hundredth time that morning, where Dean was. He was so lost in thought he almost ran straight into Ellen Harvelle, the owner a local bar called the Roadhouse. He stopped short before he collided with her.

"Easy there, Father." she said with a laugh.

"My apologies, Mrs. Harvelle. I've been somewhat distracted this morning." Castiel replied a little sheepishly.

"No worries." she replied. "What is it that's been distractin' you? Wouldn't happen to be that new fella in town would it?"

"No of course not." Castiel said a bit awkwardly.

"I been hearing a whole lot about him. People are sayin' he don't look like a god fearing man, say he had a dangerous look about him, yet he's been seen at your services the past few days now."

"I don't know about him being dangerous, but yes, he has been at service. He seems like a nice man." said Castiel.

"He's been at the Roadhouse a few times, man sure can drink. I hear he's been stayin' out at the motel on route 9, the owner, Rufus, is a regular at the bar. He said that the night before last was when he was scheduled to check out, so he did, and he packed up got into his car and just sat there. Rufus said he just sat there for about an hour before he got back out of his car and walked back in and rented a room. He didn't say a word, just paid and went back inside." Ellen finished speaking, looking at Castiel expectantly.

"That certainly is strange." replied Castiel. "He seems to have stirred things up quite a bit, hasn't he?"

"Oh yeah," she said smiling. "I've heard of nothing else since he got here. These people have got nothing better to talk about, I guess. Still, it's interesting, seems like you're the only one in the whole town he's spoken to."

Castiel started at this. "Really?" he asked surprised. "Yes, well, that is interesting."

"Yeah well, thought you'd like to know. Anyway it was good talkin' to you, Father." she said.

"It was lovely to see you Mrs. Harvelle. Give my regards to your daughter, Jo." replied Castiel warmly.

"I will." she said. "Don't be a stranger, you hear. The Roadhouse aint no den of iniquity, you're welcome down for a drink, and some company any time you like. You deserve a break once in a while."

"Thank you." said Castiel. "I'll keep that in mind."

She walked past him and disappeared down another aisle. Castiel stood for a moment trying to gather his thoughts. This new piece of information, fascinating as it was, left him even more perplexed than he had been before. He went through the check out in a daze, and it was a miracle he didn't hit anyone on his way home, with how carelessly he was driving. He arrived home, without being involved in any accidents, and walked up his front pathway, his arms full of plastic bags. He unlocked the front door, entered and unceremoniously dumped all of the bags onto the kitchen counter. He slowly unpacked everything, glad to have something to keep him busy. He was finished far too quickly for his liking. He knew that the church grounds needed raking, now that it was getting colder, and the leaves had begun to turn.

He left through his back door, cut through his yard, and walked to the shed that held the church's landscaping equipment. He searched around until he found the rake and then left the shed, closing the door behind him. He set to work, glad for the manual labor, anything to distract him, keep his thoughts from straying into uncertain territories. He'd been working for about an hour and had just finished raking the leaves into four piles. His muscles ached and he was sweating a little. He went back to the shed and found a box of garbage bags. He was in the process of bagging the leaves when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned to see Gabriel hurrying towards him across the lawn. He stopped in front of the large pile of leaves. "There's someone here to see you." he said.

"To see me?" asked Castiel confused, he never had visitors. "Who is it?"

"You should probably see for yourself. I sent him to your office." Gabriel said.

Castiel looked down to the half empty bag of leaves, not wanting to leave the work unfinished. Gabriel saw him looking and reached out and took the rake from him. "I'll finish up here, you go." he said.

"Thank you." replied Castiel gratefully.

"Don't mention it." said Gabriel with a smile.

Castiel hurried around the church and through the door. He walked to his office doing his best to brush the dirt and leaves from his clothes, wanting to look respectable for his visitor. He approached the door to his office, which was slightly ajar; he pushed it open and stepped inside. Sitting in the chair across from his own, looking thoroughly out of place, was none other than Dean Winchester. He tried to hide his shock as took a tentative step into the room. Dean turned then, seeing Castiel he stood up and held out his hand. Castiel took it. "Hello Dean." he said.

"Hey, Father." Dean replied almost casually.

"What brings you here today?" asked Castiel.

"Well, uh," Dean began nervously. "Maybe we should sit down."

"Certainly." replied Castiel, stepping behind the desk and sitting down. Dean followed suit a moment later. Now that they were both seated he looked even more uncomfortable. "Is there something troubling you?" Castiel asked.

"I think we both know that there is." said Dean so quietly, Castiel could hardly hear him. Dean wouldn't meet his eyes and Castiel's pulse quickened as he realized what Dean meant.

"I'm certain that I don't know what you mean?" he lied.

"Yes, you do." was all Dean said.

They were both silent for a moment before Castiel spoke. "Yes," he said hesitantly. "I suppose I do."

Dean nodded and finally looked up and met Castiel's eyes, they were the brightest green Castiel had ever seen. Dean seemed to hesitate before he spoke. "I've never told anyone that before. I've told people things, never the truth though." He said. "Truth is I don't really talk to people. I just do my job and that's that, no real need for conversation. Even at the bars there's no need to say anything, not really. That night I came in here, drunk off my ass, didn't know what the hell I was doing, but when I got to talking, it just felt right. I don't know how to explain it, just did. I been trying to shake it ever since, never planned on coming back the next day, like you asked, but I did, the next day too. I don't even really know why I'm here now; I guess I just wanted to talk to you again. I mean really talk to you, not like after the service, you know." He inhaled shakily after he finished, visibly relieved to have gotten out what he wanted to say.

Castiel was so taken aback by Dean's response he was sure his mouth was literally hanging open. He took a deep breath, schooling his features and his thoughts before replying. "In addition to hearing confessions I often speak to people outside of the confessional, to give guidance and advice to those who seek it. I would be happy to speak to you on a more intimate level than the confession if that is what you wish. On a more personal note, I would be lying to you if I said that I haven't been as affected by that confession as you yourself have been."

"Really?" asked Dean, sounding surprised.

"To be honest, I have had little else on my mind." replied Castiel truthfully. "I was almost certain that you would not come to the service and that I would never hear from you again."

"Yeah, well, that was the plan." replied Dean sheepishly.

"But the plan has changed."

"Yeah, I'm just making it up as I go, now" said Dean grinning at him.

"Aren't we all." replied Castiel retuning the smile.

"I suppose we are." said Dean. "You know I sat in my car for an hour trying to talk myself outta coming here, and now that I'm here, I don't know what the hell to say."

"Well," replied Castiel. "Why don't you start by telling me a little bit about yourself. Before you can discuss with me the things you truly wish to, you must first trust me, I think that this will help me to earn your trust."

"Just so you know, I don't do chick flick moments, so none of that touchy feely crap, alright?" said Dean gruffly.

"Of course," replied Castiel leaning back in his chair. "Where would you like to start?"

"I like cars." said Dean. "Always have. My Dad gave me his car when I was sixteen, passed it on to me, I guess. She's my baby, a 1967 Chevy Impala, man you should see her. I have rebuilt her so many times, sometimes from the ground up and she still looks as good as she did the day she rolled off the assembly line."

"That's quite an achievement." said Castiel encouragingly. "I know I could be a little more knowledgeable in that field. My own car, I think has one foot in the grave."

"Really?" said Dean with a laugh. "What year is it?"

"It is a 1961 Chevy Chevelle." replied Castiel smiling.

"Damn, that's a good car. I bet if you got her fixed up she'd be a real beaut." said Dean becoming more animated.

"I'm sure she would." said Castiel.

They went on like this for over an hour. Dean knew a great deal about cars and Castiel knew enough so that he wasn't completely clueless. He enjoyed seeing Dean so enthusiastic. Every time they had spoken before something had always seemed so forced and fake. Now, however the mask seemed to fall away, he was smiling genuinely, and his laugh was uninhibited and joyful. Castiel was slightly disappointed when Dean finally told him that he had to go, saying he would be back. He shook Castiel's hand with a smile before he left, and Castiel found himself grinning in return. He didn't think he'd smiled so much in a very long time.

Castiel walked home that evening feeling happier than he had in quite some time. That's not to say that he was unhappy, it's just that the solitary way in which he lived his life didn't leave a whole lot of room for relationships outside of the clergy. It felt nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't also wearing a collar. He stepped through his door, hardly feeling the cold that had found its way through the cracks and had permeated his home. He wondered if maybe he should have been working on his sermon during the time he had been talking to Dean, but he thought it could wait till tomorrow. The crunch for time, come tomorrow morning would be well worth it, he thought. He undressed quickly, getting into bed before the chill could settle to thoroughly into his bones. He lay awake, remembering the way Dean seemed to relax more and more with every moment they talked, the way his eyes crinkled up at the corners when he smiled, the look of abject horror on his face when Castiel had told him that he had never heard Led Zeppelin before. People were always polite with Castiel, smiling pleasantly, but not like Dean whose grin was so wide it made Castiel glow a little inside to know that he had put it there. He wondered if Dean would come back, or if his desire to converse with him had been satisfied. Castiel fell asleep that night hopeful and content.


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing, all characters property of Kripke and the CW.**  
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I hope you enjoy, thanks for reading.

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**Chapter 3**

"The smallest seed of faith is better than the largest fruit of happiness."

-Henry David Thoreau

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Castiel awoke feeling positively buoyant, he whistled while he dressed and there a decided bounce in his step as he walked the short distance from his home to the church. He entered his office, settled himself down at his desk, looking briefly to the chair that Dean had occupied the day before; smiling to himself he began working on his sermon. He had been working for a few hours and was just finishing up when Gabriel walked into the room and sat in the chair opposite Castiel with a smile. "So," he began raising an eyebrow at Castiel. "Are you gonna tell me what happened last night, or what? And don't even tell me you don't know what I'm talking about."

"Nothing really happened." said Castiel. "We just talked for a while and then he left."

"Uh huh," said Gabriel smirking. "And what exactly did you talk about, pray tell."

"Cars mostly." replied Castiel with a smile of his own.

"You talked about nothing but cars for over an hour?" asked Gabriel.

"Pretty much." Castiel told him.

"What I don't understand is why he would come all the way here to talk to you about cars. Seems a bit strange doesn't it?"

"I thought so too, at first, but he just said that he just wanted someone to talk to. He travels a great deal, you see, so he doesn't really have a lot of time to really get to know people enough to share things with them." said Castiel, not exactly lying, just skirting the truth.

"And he's willing to share these things with you?" Gabriel asked.

"It would appear so." replied Castiel.

"Will he be coming back?"

"I really don't know." said Castiel. "I'd like to think he's coming back, but I just don't know."

"Well, I hope he does. You two seemed to get along well and it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone outside the church, you know. Even though I know how enthralling you find me." said Gabriel.

"Well, you are one in a million." said Castiel with a laugh. "Isn't it about time you go out there and enthrall the masses?"

Castiel spent the next few hours intermittently putting the final touches on his sermon and leaning back in his chair lost in thought. Gabriel popped in just as he was getting up; it was nearly time for the service to begin.

"You'll be pleased with the turn out today." he said then disappeared down the hall.

Castiel entered the sanctuary to find that it was no more crowded than usual. He pulled on his vestments before going up to stand at the altar. He looked over the crowd as he did before every service. He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face when he realized what Gabriel had been referring to. In the last row of pews, looking a touch out of place was Dean, smiling up at him. Castiel didn't mean for his eyes to keep landing on Dean as he spoke, but they did and he found that he didn't care in the slightest. The service ended and Castiel found himself once again by the door greeting parishioners as they made their way out. After making a few pleasantries he looked up to see Dean walking towards him from across the room. When Dean reached him he shook his hand more warmly and smiled more genuinely than he had the last time they had spoken after a service.

"Heya, Father. How's it going?" he asked.

"I am very well, Dean. How have you been?" asked Castiel.

"I'm great." said Dean.

"I'm glad to hear that. I'm also glad to see you again. I wasn't sure if you'd still be in town." Castiel said.

"Oh yeah," said Dean. "I'm still hanging around; you won't get rid of me that easy."

"I wouldn't dream of it." said Castiel smiling at him warmly.

"So, uh, I was wondering," began Dean nervously. "Are you busy later?"

"I have no other duties to perform this evening, its Gabriel's night to hear confessions." said Castiel. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe we could talk again, only if y'know you're not busy and you want to."

Castiel could see how uncomfortable Dean was asking. It was either a lack of experience in asking for what he wanted, or maybe it was too close to the touchy feely crap he so despised. Either way Castiel disliked seeing him so distressed. "I would be delighted. Talking with you last night, I don't think I've laughed so much in years." Castiel told him. "If you'd like I could meet you in my office in ten minutes. You remember where it is, right?"

"Uh yeah," said Dean looking pleasantly surprised. "I'll see you in a few."

Castiel watched him go, before turning back to see how many people still remained in the church. It was a little while longer before they cleared out and he was able to join Dean. When Castiel entered his office he saw Dean sitting, looking much more relaxed than he had before. He turned and grinned at Castiel when he heard the door open. "Took you long enough." he said playfully.

"There were a few lingerers." replied Castiel with a smile.

"So, how've you been?" Dean asked.

"I've been very well, and yourself?"

"Not too bad, actually." said Dean.

"I'm glad to hear that." Castiel said.

"This is a pretty small town, huh?" asked Dean.

"It is a rather tight knit community," said Castiel. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I went out last night," began Dean. "Did you know that there's only one bar in this whole town? I mean that kinda creates a little problem for me, you see, I don't usually hit the same place twice, if I can avoid it. And every time I go somewhere, I swear there are people talking about me. I mean, I not paranoid, or anything, I just… They don't like me, do they?"

"That's not it at all, Dean." said Castiel reassuringly. "You've just made quite an impression since you got here, that's all."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Dean.

"Well, from your clothes, to your brooding silences, you're quite a mystery Dean Winchester." said Castiel, blushing a little.

"Hey, I don't brood, brooding's for douchebags." said Dean. "Hold on, people think I'm mysterious."

"Yes, I'm afraid it's true. They're too nervous to talk to you, so they'll settle for talking about you. It should pass in due time"

"That's good, it's getting pretty annoying." said Dean. "Hey Father, can I ask you something?"

"Of course Dean, what is it?"

"Do you think I'm mysterious?" he asked mischievously.

"Um, well, I…" stammered Castiel, his blush much more pronounced this time.

"C'mon, you can tell me." prompted Dean.

"Yes, I suppose I do." said Castiel, eyes fixed firmly on the desktop, face feeling warm.

"Even now?" Dean asked softly.

"Yes." said Castiel lifting his eyes to meet Dean's. "Especially now. Dean, I don't want to presume anything about you, but the smiling, seemingly happy man I see before me, is not the same man I spoke to in that confessional. Maybe you're such a mystery because you never let anyone get to know the real you."

"Yeah and who would ever want to get to know him." asked Dean gruffly.

"I would." said Castiel forcefully.

"You don't know what you're saying." said Dean sounding angry now. "That other person 'the real me' as you call it, he's a real son of a bitch. He's a liar, and a killer and goddammit I don't even want to know him, so why the hell should you?"

There was a tense silence between them; it was the first time either of them had mentioned the things that were said during Dean's confession. Castiel tried to think of something to say that would satisfy Dean. "I don't know" he said finally, knowing that it was the truth. "I just do."

Something in Dean's eyes seemed to soften. "You shouldn't." he began. "I'm no good, if you're thinking you can save me, then you're wrong. There's nothing left to save."

"Do you truly believe that?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, I do."

"Well, I don't and nothing you can say will ever convince me that you're no good." Castiel told him firmly."

"You'll just end up disappointed." said Dean miserably. "You don't think I haven't tried before? Every time some poor shmuck tries to 'fix' me, I just end up letting them down. I promised myself I would never do it again, never let anyone else in. I've told you too much already, but it's not too late for you, just forget about me, toss me to the curb. You'll never see me again, I swear, 'cause unless you tell me to go, I don't think I'll have the strength to."

"No Dean, I'm not going to ask you to leave, and I'm not going to give up on you." said Castiel earnestly,

"What do you want from me?" asked Dean.

"I just want you to talk to me, nothing more than that, I promise. You never stopped to think that maybe there is no reason, that maybe I just want to talk to you, get to know you. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Seems to me like it's a little too good to be true, if you know what I mean." Dean replied.

"Good things do happen." said Castiel.

"Not in my experience."

"Well, it seems to me that your experiences are decidedly limited." said Castiel.

"Yeah?" asked Dean, the ghost of a smile playing across his lips.

"Yes." said Castiel. "Maybe we could change that, if you'd like."

"Yeah, I'd like that." said Dean.

"So would I."

They talked about themselves for the first time. Dean seemed more relaxed than Castiel had ever seen him. Dean told him about his family, his mother, Mary who had tragically died in a fire when he was four, about his father, John, a drunk and a deadbeat, and finally, about his younger brother Sam. There was no more mention of the more sordid parts of Dean's past, but Castiel didn't mind. He liked hearing about Dean as a child, about how he and Sam spent every second together growing up and how Dean always thought he was cool, even if he was kind of a nerd. When Castiel had asked where Sam was now, Dean had tensed up and changed the subject, Castiel didn't push. He even found himself telling Dean a little bit about his own past. He had told him how long he'd been at St. Marie's, all about Gabriel and how he gossiped more than most of the women in town. Before they realized it, two hours had passed, Dean stood, as if to go and Castiel did the same. He looked Castiel in the eye and held out his hand smiling slightly. Castiel took it as Dean spoke. "Thanks a lot Father, for everything."

"Please, call me Castiel."

"Alright Castiel," said Dean clapping him on the back. "I'll see you around."

"I look forward to it." said Castiel.

Later on that night as Castiel got ready for bed, he couldn't help thinking that tonight had gone much better than their previous visit. Dean really seemed to be opening up to him and Castiel felt flattered that he felt comfortable enough with him to do so. He knew he hadn't gotten the full story yet, but he hoped that with time Dean would trust him enough to reveal the darker things about himself that he kept well hidden, the things that he had confessed to that night. Castiel didn't really know how he felt about that. Dean was a sinner, a killer and Castiel knew he should feel some moral dissatisfaction with being around Dean, but he didn't. He was slightly alarmed to find that he had no compunctions whatsoever about being with Dean, sharing things with him and laughing with him. He tried not to think about compromised morals and instead wondered when he would next see Dean. He settled into bed with high hopes for the following day.

Castiel overslept that morning and had to rush to get himself dressed, skipping breakfast and making it to the church just as Michael and Gabriel arrived. "Late night?" asked Gabriel.

"My apologies, I overslept." said Castiel breathless from his haste.

"That's quite alright." replied Michael as he unlocked the church door. "You're only human and besides you deserve to sleep in once in a while. Waking at the crack of dawn every day can take its toll on a man."

"I agree." said Gabriel as the three of them stepped into the church. "I'm always telling him he needs time to himself, to relax."

"I assure you, I'm fine." said Castiel touched by their concern.

"You say that now, but stress is a silent killer." said Gabriel with the hint of a smile.

"It's no trouble, really." Castiel told them. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have several things I must attend to." he left standing in the sanctuary and quickly made his way to his office. He hadn't started his sermon yet and he already had a late start. He knew he was cutting it very close and yet when he sat down to begin working he couldn't help the way his eyes seemed to wander to Dean's chair. Funny how quickly it had become known as such. With immense difficulty he tore his eyes from the chair and his thoughts from the man who had most recently occupied it. Castiel worked steadily, writing about trust and honesty. He had just finished when Gabriel came in to tell him that if he didn't hurry, he would be late for his own service. Castiel made haste to the sanctuary. He quickly dressed himself and stood before his congregation only slightly flustered.

Castiel looked out over the group of people, telling himself that he was most certainly not looking for anyone in particular. He knew he was lying to himself. Was lying to oneself as grave a sin as lying to others, he wondered. As he began speaking looking out over the crowd one last time he spotted Dean seated near the back of the room. He gave Castiel a smile and Castiel sighed inwardly relived to see that Dean was still around. The service went quickly from then on, Castiel's eyes lingering on Dean often as he spoke. When he was finally finished speaking and after he had stepped down and began removing his vestments, he felt excitement begin to grow in him. He was delighted to realize that this was the first time he had truly been excited about something in years.

He tried not to appear overly anxious as he walked to the front of the church. He stood in his usual spot, eyes scanning the crowd for any sign of Dean, he saw none. As more and more people filed out he still saw no sign of Dean. He waited hoping that Dean would appear as he had before, but he didn't. The person had filed out of the church, the door was closed, so where was Dean? He stood for a moment uncertain, when a thought hit him. Maybe Dean had already gone to his office to wait for him. With renewed hope Castiel made his way to his office. He opened the door to find it empty. He slowly closed the door and as if in a daze moved to sit behind his desk. What had happened, where was Dean? Castiel couldn't help feeling hurt, hadn't Dean grinned at him cheerfully from his pew, not twenty minutes ago? Maybe he had something to do; maybe he'd be back later. Castiel still clung to a shred of hope and the thought that maybe Dean wasn't coming back at all crossed his mind, he pushed it away violently. He sat lost in a tumbling maelstrom of thought for as long as he could.

He finally rose after a half an hour and shook himself from his torpor. He left his office and with measured steps and made his way through the sanctuary and over the confessionals. He was glad that he met no one along the way and also glad that he had the distraction of this duty. He had planned on telling Dean that they may not have a whole lot of time in which to talk, but that no longer seemed to matter. He made himself as comfortable as possible in the stiff chair and resigned himself to wait. He really didn't think anyone of interest would turn up, but he hoped. Maybe instead of talking in his office Dean had opted for something a little more private. Castiel doubted this to be true, Dean was starting to feel more comfortable talking to him, started to trust him even, so it was unlikely that he would revert back to a confession by way of communication. Still Castiel sat and waited, four long hours and he heard nothing. Not a soul came to confession that night; Castiel was left alone with his thoughts.

Castiel left the confessional and locking up behind him he proceeded to trudge home. He didn't bother with anything when he got home; he just walked inside straight to his bedroom, undressed hastily and carelessly and collapsed into bed. He was weary and sick at heart, he just wanted to sleep, no more thoughts, no more questions, just a little peace. He knew he wouldn't be getting any of that tonight, so he lay tossing and turning for several hours, until he finally threw back the covers and got out of bed. He knelt next to his bed and began to pray desperately. He didn't even know what he was praying for, but he didn't stop. He stayed like that for a long time before he finally dragged his exhausted body back into bed. He fell asleep a short while later, but he received none of the peace he had longed for, sleeping fitfully. He slept for what seemed like several minutes, but must have been hours. He was exhausted and a thick fog of fatigue clouded his mind as he rose to prepare for the day.

He'd overslept again, arriving only a few minutes before the others. He'd been busy sweeping the sanctuary when they'd arrived. Gabriel approached him immediately, looking shocked as he saw Castiel's pale complexion and the dark circles under his eyes. "Are you alright?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.

"I'm fine." Castiel replied. "I didn't sleep well last night."

"Are you sure you're not coming down with something? There's been a flu going around." Gabriel said.

"No, it's nothing like that. I can assure you, I'm not ill." said Castiel smiling wearily at him.

"Maybe you should go home and rest for a bit, you really don't look well at all. I can cover you're service, I'm sure Michael won't mind." said Gabriel gently.

"No I couldn't miss service; I'll be fine, really. I appreciate the offer." said Castiel.

"It wasn't an offer. Look you're exhausted, you work too hard, you need to rest."

"I can't let you cover my service, it'd be too much." said Castiel somehow knowing that he would never win this argument.

"You covered the confessional for me, and trust me I'd rather lead a service than listen to that all night, so just consider this my way of thanking you for that." said Gabriel resting a hand on his shoulder. "Now go."

"But what about Michael?" he asked in a last ditch effort to change Gabriel's mind.

"I'll take care of him. I don't need to walk you home, do I?" asked Gabriel and Castiel knew that he wasn't joking.

"No, I'll be fine." said Castiel admitting defeat. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

Castiel went back home and made it to his bed before he collapsed fully clothed on top of it. He managed to kick off his shoes before he fell into a deep sleep. He slept soundly and awoke several hours later. He wondered if he should go back to the church and tell Gabriel that he would be able to lead the service after all. He knew it wouldn't do him any good, Gabriel was a very stubborn man and when he'd decided on something it took a more convincing man than Castiel to change his mind. He'd probably send him straight home the moment he stepped through the door. He got out of bed and wandered into the living room. A whole day to himself, what was he supposed to do? Castiel hadn't had a day of in years, not that he minded so much, or ever really wanted one, but now that he had one, he didn't know what to do with it. Maybe he should try relaxing, like Gabriel's always telling him to do. But how does one go about relaxing?

He ran through a list of possibilities in his mind before he settled on something that he thought would do the trick. He went to the kitchen and put the kettle on and then he went back to the living room, to the small bookcase in the corner. He'd just made his choice when he heard the kettle whistling. Minutes later he was curled up in his favorite armchair a hot cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other. He had been comfortably reading for a few hours when there was a knock on his door. Baffled, Castiel rose and crossed the room to the door, wondering if it was Gabriel, come to check up on him. He opened the door to see Dean Winchester standing on his front step, looking a little sheepish. "Hey Castiel." he said.


	4. Chapter 4

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

Thanks for reading.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together."

-Vincent Van Gogh

* * *

It took a moment for Castiel to realize that he was staring, open mouthed at Dean. He closed his mouth and tried to school his features into a look of pleasant surprise, but to no avail. "H-hello Dean." he said finally.

"Sorry to just turn up like this, I can go if it's a bad time." Dean said.

"No, that won't be necessary. Please, come in." Castiel told him, stepping back to let him in. Dean took a few steps into Castiel's home, eyes darting around the room, taking in everything at once. "Nice place you got here." he said casually.

"Thank you. Please make yourself at home." said Castiel gesturing to the sofa. "Can I get you anything?"

"Nah, I'm good." said Dean sitting down on the sofa. "So, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here."

"The thought had crossed my mind." replied Castiel resuming his seat in his armchair.

"You're probably also wondering why I bailed after the service yesterday."

"Yes."

"Well," began Dean. "To tell you the truth, I came pretty damn close to leaving last night."

Castiel did his best to hide the shock he felt, replying calmly. "Did you?"

"Yeah."

"Then why did you bother coming to the service?" asked Castiel.

"Well, I was gonna say goodbye, but I kinda chickened out and snuck out while you weren't looking." said Dean sheepishly.

"Why were you going to leave?" asked Castiel.

"I just didn't want to drag you down, you know. I couldn't do that to you. I tried to go, I really did, and I thought I could too, but I was wrong. I guess I wasn't strong enough to go after all."

"You wouldn't drag me down, Dean. You don't have to worry about that." said Castiel softly. "I'm glad that you didn't go."

"So am I" said Dean. "Anyway I went to the church today, looking for you, some guy, Gabriel I think, he said you weren't feeling well and he sent you home for the day. I guess I was a little worried so I asked him where I could find you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm touched by your concern." said Castiel. "I appreciate you coming here to see me."

"Yeah well, it's nothing." said Dean looking away shyly. There was a moment of silence before Dean spoke again. "If this is a bad time, I can go."

"It isn't a bad time at all. Actually Gabriel sent me home for the day, so if you'd like to stay for a while you're more than welcome to." said Castiel.

"Yeah, I'd like that." said Dean. "Only if you're feeling up to it."

"I can assure you that I'm fine. Gabriel worries too much." said Castiel with a smile.

"Okay then," said Dean returning his smile. "What do you usually do on your days off?"

"Um, well, I don't usually have them." Castiel told him truthfully.

"Really, well I usually have too many. I usually just spend em' watching crap TV in whatever rundown motel I end up in."

"That doesn't sound like too much fun." Castiel said.

"Nah, not really." replied Dean.

"Is there anything that you've wanted to do since you got into town, or something that you've wanted to see?" asked Castiel.

"Huh, well," said Dean. "I noticed your car out there, 61 Chevelle, right?"

"That's correct." replied Castiel.

"Well, I was thinking if you needed any work done on it, y'know I'm good with my hands and I like fixing cars. I hardly get to work on em' anymore, my baby's in good shape and I dunno I could fix her up for you, if you want." Dean trailed off, not looking at Castiel.

"You'd like to fix my car?" asked Castiel a little baffled.

"Yeah well, if it's not an imposition or anything." said Dean looking fixedly at the floor.

"To be honest with you I don't know how it's still running. I mean you'd certainly have your work cut out for you, but if this is something that would make you happy then I think it's a wonderful idea. I'd compensate you for your efforts of course."

"Really?" asked Dean looking at him finally and grinning happily. "Don't worry about the money, dude, I'll do it for the pure joy of it, how's that?"

"If that's what you wish." said Castiel enjoying the look of happiness on Dean's face.

"You mind if I take a look now?" he asked.

"Of course not," said Castiel. "I'll go with you."

"Awesome." replied Dean positively leaping out of his chair and striding to the door. Castiel followed him slowly and when he stepped outside he saw that Dean was already closely examining the car. "She's a bit of a fixer upper, but she is pretty." he said with the same affection as if he'd been talking about a woman.

Castiel sat on the low rock wall that lay in a half circle under his front window and contained a few small bushes and flower beds. He watched, fascinated as Dean lifted the hood and his skilled hands went to work examining the inner workings of the car. "You were right." he said after a while.

"About what?" asked Dean raising his head and looking over to where Castiel sat.

"You are good with your hands." said Castiel.

"Oh," said Dean reddening slightly. "Thanks."

He continued his examination for several more minutes before standing up straight, brushing his hands off on his jeans and walking over to sit beside Castiel. "She's not too bad off." Dean said. "Looks worse than she is. She'll need a new transmission, new ignition coils, and the battery cables are pretty corroded, so those'll need to be replaced. The fuel filter's in rough shape, there's a few spark plugs that have seen better days and the gas cap's missing."

Castiel stared in disbelief. "You got all that from one look?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?" asked Dean.

"That is very impressive, Dean." said Castiel.

"Nah, it's nothing." said Dean looking pleased.

"Will it be difficult to fix?" asked Castiel worried about parts and cost.

"Not at all," said Dean confidently. "Replacing the transmission will be a little tedious and the rest is no problem. There's a lot of rust too, you leave her out on the rain often?"

Castiel looked to the garage he rarely used, for car storage anyway. It was currently filled with the landscaping equipment that wouldn't fit in the church's shed. "I might." Castiel replied sheepishly.

"That's no big deal, a little sanding and a new paint job, she'll be as good as new." Dean told him.

"Thank you, Dean." said Castiel. "This is extremely kind of you."

"You're the one who's being nice, letting me do this." Dean said.

"You seemed so excited about it," said Castiel. "It's nice to see you so thrilled about something."

"Yeah well, some of the best memories I have are of working on cars with my Dad's buddy, Bobby. He had his own salvage yard; he taught me everything I know. I remember I'd go up there every summer growing up. He had like three acres full to the brim of wreaked cars. Every year he'd let me pick one to fix up and by god it'd look brand new by the time we were done. "

"That's a wonderful memory, Dean. You two must be very close." said Castiel warmly.

"We were the man was more a father to me than my own. Funny, I haven't thought of that junkyard in years." said Dean with a faraway look in his eyes.

"Well, I hope you enjoy fixing her up as much as you used to." Castiel said.

"Oh, I will." said Dean with a grin. "What do you say we take a run to the auto parts store; see if we can't find some of the stuff we need."

"I'd love to." said Castiel happily.

"No offense, dude, but, I think we should take my car. Better not tempt fate, y'know." Dean said.

"That is a very good idea." said Castiel. "I never know what's going to happen when I get behind the wheel."

"Yeah, that's never a good sign. C'mon, I'm parked out by the church." said Dean standing up. Castiel followed him to the church parking lot and over to a massive black car. "This," said Dean with immense pride. "Is my baby."

"She is something." said Castiel looking over the sleek lines of the car.

"Yes, she is." said Dean looking at Castiel with a grin. "Get in."

Castiel climbed into the passenger seat and a moment later Dean was seated behind the wheel. He started the car and Castiel actually jumped, Dean burst out laughing as he was backing out. "I might have supped the engine up a little." he said, still smiling.

"It's quite loud." said Castiel.

"You'll get used to it." Dean said.

Castiel smiled to himself, looking forward to the prospect. They were driving now rather quickly and Dean reached over and turned the radio on. The opening strains of the song filtered through. Castiel had never heard it before and Dean saw his look of confusion. "C'mon man, this is like the greatest song ever; you seriously have never heard it?"

"I'm afraid not." Castiel told him. "What is it?"

"This is Ramble On, at least tell me you've heard of Led Zeppelin." said Dean.

"It sounds vaguely familiar." said Castiel.

"Vaguely familiar?" Dean asked, scandalized. "That's it, today you are gonna get educated."

"I am?" asked Castiel, amused.

"Oh yeah, starting with Led Zeppelin and AC/DC." Dean told him.

"I look forward to it." said Castiel with a smile.

They had been driving for about twenty minutes with Dean giving a detailed explanation of every song that came on, when he spoke. "So, you don't listen to music at all?" he asked.

"Well, there's never really a whole lot of time for personal interests, like music and reading." said Castiel, regretfully.

"Well, that's Bull," Dean said. "You should get time to do things, like everyone else."

"It never posed a problem before."

"Why's that?"

"Because I never had anything that I wanted to do or anyone that I wanted to do it with." said Castiel honestly.

"What about that guy Gabriel?"

"He's a good man," said Castiel. "But we're not very close. I don't know, I guess I find it difficult to get close to people. I usually prefer solitude."

"Usually?" asked Dean with a sly grin.

"There are exceptions." said Castiel, trying to hide his blush and failing.

"That is good to know." said Dean. There was silence for a moment before Dean spoke again. "I know what it's like to not be able to let people in, to not trust anyone."

"I know." said Castiel.

Dean looked at him curiously and was about to speak when they pulled up to the auto parts store. They got out of the car in silence and walked into the store. Castiel followed Dean, who obviously had more experience in this field than he did. He couldn't help but notice the looks they were receiving. He realized how strange this must look, the reclusive priest and the mysterious stranger in town shopping for car parts together. He also realized how little he cared about what they thought. He liked being with Dean and time spent with him made him, well, happy and he'd gladly take the unwanted attention if it meant that he could prolong this feeling. Dean stopped in front of a rack of wires and plastic bits that looked thoroughly alien to Castiel; he pulled a few things down and continued on his search, a look of determination on his face. They hunted for a few more minutes before Dean turned to him and spoke. "I thought this might happen." he said.

"What?" asked Castiel.

"Well, seeing as your car is about fifty years old, finding the parts we need is gonna be damn near impossible."

"That's alright." said Castiel. "I appreciate you trying."

"Now don't count me out yet." said Dean. "I said almost impossible."

"Do you really think you'll be able to find what you need?"

"Oh ye of little faith, this is me we're talking about, 'course I can find it, just gotta know where to look." said Dean.

"And where would that be?"

"Any salvage yard worth anything would probably have what we need. Hey, what do you say we hit up a few places one of these days? It'd be fun, y'know, like a road trip." said Dean.

"That sounds wonderful." said Castiel. They made their way to the checkout counter and when Castiel offered to pay for the parts Dean refused, saying. "Don't worry about it, man. This is my project after all."

They left the store and halfway through Led Zeppelin IV they pulled up in front of Castiel's house. Dean cut the engine, got out and immediately went to the Chevelle propping up the hood and laying out the parts on the ground. He then went back to the Impala, popped the trunk and lifted out a large tool box. Castiel watched all of this with a look of bemusement on his face. He made his way back to his place on the rock wall and settled down to watch Dean work. After an hour he had replaced three small parts that Castiel didn't recognize. When he finished he brushed his hands together and turned to Castiel with a smile. "Not too bad for a day's work, eh?" he asked.

"What did you do?" asked Castiel curiously.

"Well, the gas cap and spark plugs were easy to find and replace, they're pretty much the same for every car. The transmissions gonna be a bitch though."

"That's great, Dean." said Castiel. "You must be hungry, if you'd like I could fix us something to eat."

"That sounds good, I'm starving." said Dean.

They went into the house and while Dean went to clean up Castiel went to the kitchen and made them some sandwiches. Dean returned a few minutes later and they both sat down at the table to eat. There was an awkward moment where none of them said anything, until Dean took a bite of his sandwich. "Oh my God! What is that?" he asked looking incredulously from Castiel to the sandwich in his hands.

"Oh," said Castiel surprised by the reaction. "it's cucumber, do you like it?"

"This is the best freakin' sandwich I've ever eaten in my life." said Dean around a large mouthful.

"It's really nothing." said Castiel enjoying the look of delight on Dean's face. "I grow them myself, out back."

"You have a garden?" asked Dean.

"Yes," replied Castiel. "It's nothing much, some cucumbers, tomatoes, strawberries, things like that."

"That's pretty awesome." said Dean.

"Thank you." Castiel said.

They finished their meal, talking comfortably about a number of things while they did so. Castiel couldn't remember the last time he had spoken so easily to another person. He usually found himself uncomfortable and uncertain of what he should say, but not with Dean. He felt completely at ease chatting about anything and everything with Dean. After they'd finished Castiel rose and took the dishes from the table to the kitchen to wash them. He didn't notice that Dean had also left his seat until he looked over to see that Dean had wordlessly begun to dry the dishes that he had washed. They worked in a companionable silence until everything was washed and put away. They stood for a moment regarding each other. "So," Dean said.

"So," replied Castiel.

"I was thinking, I mean it's still early, we should do something fun for your day off, y'know."

"What did you have in mind." asked Castiel.

"Well," said Dean. "I was thinking, maybe we could hang out, watch a movie, or something. Pretty lame, I know."

"That's not lame at all." replied Castiel with real warmth. "That sounds like fun, I'd love to. I will warn you that if we're choosing from my movie collection, we're going to have pretty slim pickings."

Dean laughed heartily at that. "I'm sure we can rustle something up. Show me what you got." he said, still chuckling.

They stood before the small bookcase where Castiel kept his limited collection of books and movies. He owned all of nine DVDs and he was sure exactly none of them would be to Dean's taste. He was very surprised then, when Dean reached down and plucked a movie decisively from the shelf. It was The Lion King. Castiel looked at Dean curiously, wondering if he was going to start laughing at Castiel for even owning the film. To be fair to himself he only bought it for the children's movie nights at the church, not for his personal viewing pleasure. Well, maybe there is a reason it ended up in his house rather than in Michael's office with the rest of the movies, but that's neither here nor there. He waited anxiously for Dean's ridicule, but it didn't come. There was a smile on his face and when he spoke, it was with a playful tone. "Let's watch this." he said.

"Really?" asked Castiel shocked. "You want to watch The Lion King?"

"Sure, why not? I haven't seen this in years, not since Sam was a kid. I always kinda liked it." Castiel couldn't stop the grin that spread over his face. "What?" Dean asked. "Hey, this is a classic and besides I'm not the one who owns the damn thing."

"Of course, Dean." said Castiel, still smiling. "I meant no offense."

"Good," said Dean. "And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll kill you."

They both burst out laughing. Dean clapped Castiel on the back warmly. "C'mon let's do this. Hey, you got any popcorn?" he asked. "It has been forever and a day since I watched a movie with some popcorn."

"I think I might, I'll see what I can find." Castiel went into the kitchen and began hunting through his cupboards for the ever elusive popcorn. He found a bag a short while later, although Castiel was unsure how long it had been there and in all honesty where it had come from. 'Good enough" he thought and placed it in the microwave. A few moments after the popping began Castiel heard Dean call from the other room. "Success!" Castiel just laughed to himself while the kernels finished popping. He grabbed the bag and proceeded to transfer it to a large bowl he grabbed a few sodas from the fridge and went back to the living room to see that Dean had already set the movie up and was sitting on the couch, waiting. He looked up to see Castiel enter. "Awesome, get over here, let's start this bitch." he said.

Castiel sat down on the couch with Dean, while Dean started the movie. They munched on popcorn and sat back in contentment. Usually Castiel would not sit so close to someone, he liked his space, and it wasn't like he wanted to sit close to Dean, he just needed to be able to reach the popcorn bowl, or that's what he told himself at least. It was a little ways into the film and Castiel began to regret his close proximity to Dean, no matter how hard he tried not to, Mufasa's death always made him cry. The scene was rapidly approaching and Castiel shifted uncomfortably, he held his breath and looked away. It didn't last long; his eyes were drawn back to the screen in seconds. The scene came and went and without fail Castiel felt a tear slide down his cheek. He reached up to surreptitiously wipe it away, he was sure he saw Dean smirking from his side of the couch, but he didn't say anything. The time passed away in easy contentment. After the last bit of popcorn was eaten they settled down further, Castiel curling his legs up underneath him and Dean propping his feet up on the coffee table while his arm rested on the back of the couch behind Castiel. The film ended a while later and Castiel's heart fell, he was reluctant to move from his cozy spot on the couch beside Dean.

They both sat up on the couch, neither of them saying anything. "So," Dean said at last.

"So," mirrored Castiel. There was silence for a beat. "So, I was wondering if you're hungry, maybe you could stay for dinner, if you want to." Castiel stammered and blushed a little, not looking at Dean.

"I'd really like that." said Dean.

"Alright," said Castiel suffused with a happy warmth. "You make yourself at home, I'll fix us something."

Castiel rose and was surprised when Dean did as well. "I'll give you a hand." he said.

"You really don't have to trouble yourself." said Castiel.

"Nah, I don't mind." Dean said. "C'mon, put me to work."

"If you insist." said Castiel making his way into the kitchen.

"Hell yeah I insist." replied Dean following him.

Dean leaned against the counter while Castiel began pulling ingredients from various places throughout the kitchen. He pulled out a pot and a pan from a cupboard. "What do you need me to do?" asked Dean. "Keep in mind, I'm a horrible cook."

"Think you can handle pasta?" asked Castiel.

"I think I can manage it." Dean replied moving forward he took the pot, filled it with water and put it on to boil. He looked over to see what Castiel was doing and saw him filling the pan with broth, some spices and broccoli. "Dude, broccoli, really? That's like the worst vegetable in the history of vegetables."

"Not the way I make it." said Castiel. "Trust me you'll like it."

Dean still looked a mite uncertain, but he went back to his pasta without complaint. After several minutes when the pasta had been drained and the broccoli had finished simmering Castiel tossed them all together in a large bowl. He looked up when he had finished to see that Dean had found the silverware and had set the table. Castiel served them and they sat down to eat. Dean stared apprehensively at his plate. "Eat your vegetables, Dean." said Castiel playfully.

Dean grumbled something unintelligible before taking a bite. He brightened considerably. "This is freakin' awesome." he said surprised.

"I told you you'd like it." said Castiel.

"I will never doubt your cooking prowess ever again." said Dean solemnly taking another large bite and making thoroughly indecent sounds of appreciation.

Dinner passed with easy conversation and comfortable silences. When they'd finished Dean joined Castiel once more at the sink to help with the cleanup. Castiel dried his hands and turned to Dean a little uncertainly. Dean seemed to consider something for a moment. "C'mon," he said with a grin. "It's not too late, let's watch another movie."

"Alright." said Castiel returning his smile.

Once again they found themselves looking down upon Castiel's meager movie collection. It was several moments before Dean reached down and pulled one off the shelf. "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, I can't believe you have this. Clint Eastwood is the man. What do you think?" he asked Castiel holding the movie aloft.

"That sounds great." said Castiel. "Clint Eastwood is my favorite actor."

"No way, me too." said Dean delighted.

They adjourned to the living room once more and in no time they were back on the sofa and settled in. This film was much longer than The Lion King and halfway through Castiel felt his sleepless night begin to catch up with him. He looked over to see that Dean was looking a little sleepy as well. He tried to focus on the screen, but it made no difference, he was asleep in minutes. He awoke an hour later with his head resting on Dean's shoulder. He wondered how he had ended up so close to him and began to panic before he realized that Dean had fallen asleep as well. His head rested on the back of the sofa his arm all but around Castiel's shoulders. Castiel tried to shift away carefully before Dean woke and realized how close they'd gotten. He'd managed to shift a few inches when Dean opened his eyes with a sigh. "What happened?" he asked voice muzzy from sleep.

"I think we fell asleep during the movie." Castiel said nervously waiting for Dean to notice their close proximity and jerk away.

"Oh," he said sitting up slowly and stretching. He looked around and realizing how late it was, got to his feet. "Well, I guess I'd better get going." he said. They walked to the door together.

"I had a wonderful time today, Dean. Thank you for making my day off so enjoyable." said Castiel.

"Thanks for letting me hang out here today, sure as hell beats that crap motel." Dean said. "See you around, Cas."

Castiel smiled. "You called me Cas; no one's ever called me that before."

"Oh, sorry," said Dean quickly. "I just…"

"No, I like it." said Castiel.

"Alright then, bye Cas." said Dean smiling softly before opening the door.

"Goodbye, Dean." replied Castiel as Dean stepped out into the night and disappeared.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Hola Mishamigos, hope you're all having a good week. I survived the blizzard and was able to pop this baby out. Get ready for some fluff and adorable Dean. Hope you enjoy.  
I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.  
Thanks for reading.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."

-John Barrymore

* * *

Castiel couldn't remember the last time he had had so much fun, or the last time he had been this happy. He climbed into bed shortly after Dean left and slept deeply and soundly through the night. He awoke bright and early and made it into the church at his usual time. It felt a little strange being back in his office after the day he'd spent with Dean. He smiled just thinking about it. He pushed away those thoughts and set to work on his sermon for that day. He decided to write about happiness and friendship. He was still working when he heard Gabriel and Michael arrive. He was wholly undisturbed, but for a moment when Gabriel popped in to say hello before his service. It was several hours later that Gabriel came back, while Castiel was just finishing his sermon. He sat down looking serious. "Castiel," he said. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Of course," replied Castiel putting aside his work and looking at Gabriel intently. "What is it?"

"Well, I've been thinking," Gabriel said. "Do you like doing evening services?"

"Of course I do." said Castiel, baffled. "I love giving sermons."

"I don't mean services in general, I just mean, would you be happier if you were to lead the morning service?"

"I-I don't see how it matters." said Castiel, but he had started thinking. He had wondered briefly yesterday how Dean would fix the car if Castiel was in the church all day. It hadn't mattered before when they'd just spoken after the service, but now it was different. He wondered for a moment if Gabriel knew about his burgeoning relationship with Dean. He opened his mouth to speak again, trying not to show any emotion. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt, I mean it would be nice to have afternoons off once in a while."

"What if we switched, you do the mornings and I do the evenings?" asked Gabriel.

"I don't understand." Castiel said, confused. "What brought this on?"

"I've been meaning to ask you for ages." Gabriel told him. "You know me, I am not a morning person, not like you, here at the crack of dawn every morning and this way I'd be able to sleep in a little."

"If that is what you wish, I'd be happy to lead the morning services." said Castiel, still a bit unsure. "Are you sure the Monsignor will approve?"

"Oh yeah, I've already talked to him, he's fine with it. We both think you need a little more time to yourself." Gabriel said.

"I appreciate your concern." replied Castiel, touched.

"We just want you to be happy." said Gabriel gently.

"What makes you think I'm not?" asked Castiel surprised.

"It's not that I think you're unhappy, but it seems to me like you're drifting. I think having some time for yourself will be good for you."

Castiel was overwhelmed with gratitude. "Thank you, Gabriel." Castiel said to him. "You are very kind and I'm very glad to have met you."

"Oh, it's nothing." said Gabriel nonchalantly as he stood up and made his way to the door. "Make the most of it, Castiel." he said and was gone.

"I will." said Castiel to the empty room. The rest of Castiel's day passed in a pleasant blur. Before he knew it he was standing before the congregation once more, unlike other days when he was somber and subdued, today he was almost cheerful, and there was the hint of a smile on his face throughout the entire service. This smile became briefly an uncontained grin when he spotted Dean sitting at the back of the church. He was glad when he finally finished speaking and people started to get up to leave. He hurried through the cleanup, eager to find Dean and tell him the good news. He's been standing by the door for only a few minutes before Dean ambled over, smiling easily.

"Hey Cas." Dean said." "How you been?"

"I'm very well, Dean." said Castiel. "How are you?"

"I'm good." replied Dean.

"I have something to tell you." said Castiel

"Oh really, what is it?"

"It's a surprise." Castiel told him mischievously. "Meet me in my office in five minutes."

Dean looked down at his watch comically. "Five minutes and counting." he said with a grin before he turned and walked away. It was several minutes before Castiel was able to follow him.

The moment Castiel sat down across from Dean he looked up expectantly. "So, what's the news?" he asked curiously. "It's good I hope."

"Yes, it is good." Castiel told him. "I had a talk with Gabriel this morning and he asked me something interesting."

"What's that?" asked Dean.

"He asked me if I'd like to switch services with him, meaning I'll lead the morning service and he the evening. He seems to think that I need time to myself."

"And this'll mean you will?" Dean asked sounding hopeful.

"Yes, after the morning service is finished I will not be required to be here again unless it is a day where I am hearing confessions."

"That's great." said Dean happily. "Now you'll have lots of time off. That's awesome; we'll be able to hang out more often now. Too bad you gotta lead services every single day, y'know."

"Well, I don't lead them every single day." said Castiel.

"I thought you said you didn't get days off." Dean said.

"I did." said Castiel. "I don't, not really. On Tuesdays I spend the day doing work for the church, landscaping, cleaning, and things like that."

"Do you have to do that stuff?" asked Dean.

"I'm not required to, but it's not as if I mind doing it."

"So, if you wanted you could just take off and do anything you wanted on Tuesday?" Dean asked.

"Yes, I suppose so." replied Castiel. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason." said Dean evasively.

"Alright." said Castiel not quite believing him. They chatted happily for the next hour, before Castiel had to leave; it was his night to hear confessions. He was sad to be leaving Dean, but was thrilled to know that this would be the last night he would be doing so. Starting tomorrow his afternoons would his and his alone, well, his and Dean's. He happily sat through three confessions that night, giving what he felt like was his best advice yet. He had to stay at the church later than usual that night, realizing he'd have little time the following morning to work on his sermon. He got home late and went straight to bed once he did. In the few moments before sleep took him he couldn't help thinking how lucky he was, he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

He arose the next morning and prepared for the day with a decided spring in his step. He sat down at his desk and was putting the final touches on his sermon when Michael arrived; Gabriel was probably at home, still sleeping. He knocked on Castiel's door, entering and standing in the doorway. "Are you ready for today?" he asked.

"Yes, I think so." said Castiel confidently.

"I'm glad to hear it." said Michael. "I know you'll do just fine."

"Thank you." replied Castiel.

"So, what are you planning with your day?" asked Michael.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe I'll take a walk down to the park. I love to see the leaves changing and it's not often I get to see them." said Castiel.

"That sounds wonderful." said Michael. "I hope you have a nice time."

"Thank you very much, for everything you've done for me. I am very grateful." Castiel told him.

"Don't mention it." replied Michael with a smile. "Good luck today." A moment later he was gone.

When Castiel stepped up to the altar to begin the service the congregation was shocked to say the least. For all of the time he had been there, he had always preached at exactly the same time and the people of Lawrence, well they didn't react well to change. There was murmuring and whispering, Castiel was sure he heard someone asking after Gabriel's health. He had begun to feel distinctly nervous when he caught sight of Dean, sitting in his usual place. So Dean had braved and early morning wakeup to see him preach. His nerves slipped away and he gave Dean a smile while he waited for the crowd to settle. They did eventually and once Castiel had begun to speak it was as if nothing had changed, he felt comfortable and at ease, even more so every time his eyes fell on Dean, which was slightly more than usual. The service ended and as Castiel stood by the door waiting for the onslaught of questions he knew would be coming his way, he saw Dean leaning against the stone pillar, exactly as he had the first day he'd attended service and Castiel found he didn't mind so much. It took longer for everyone to clear out than usual, but they did and when they were gone Dean finally approached him. "Hey Cas." he said.

"Hello Dean."

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" asked Dean.

"Well, I was thinking maybe I'd take a walk." said Castiel.

"A walk?" asked Dean.

"Yes, to the park. The leaves are lovely this time of year."

"It's been a helluva long time since I've been for a walk and even longer since I've enjoyed some foliage." Dean said.

"Well, I'd be delighted if you'd accompany me." said Castiel. "That is if you'd like to."

"I'd love to." said Dean, grinning.

"Wonderful, we can leave now, if that suits you."

"That suits me just fine." replied Dean.

They walked from the church and turned left. "So where is this par anyway?" asked Dean.

"It's a few blocks from here." replied Castiel. "It should only take a few minutes to get there." They walked in silence for several more minutes before they reached the park.

Hobbs Park was extremely large, stretching over five acres of land and contained several winding paths. The best part was the road couldn't be seen from the path, all that could be seen was the towering oak trees and the beautifully manicured lawns. Dean looked surprised when they approached the gate to the park. "Dude," he said seriously. "This is a freakin' sweet park."

"It is nice isn't it?" replied Castiel. "Let's go."

They chose a gently sloping path, one of the more seldom used, far from the eyes of any curious onlookers. They had been walking sided by side in silence for a short while when Dean spoke. "I wanted to thank you." he said looking over at Castiel as they walked.

"For what?" asked Castiel, surprised.

"For yesterday and for being so cool about the car and everything."

"You don't have to thank me for that, I should be the one thanking you." replied Castiel.

"You don't mean that." Dean said.

"Yes, I do." said Castiel firmly. "You think that I'm only spending time with you for your benefit? I enjoy spending time with you, Dean."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"You know what I am, how could a man like you want to be around that? I just don't get it."

"There's nothing to get." Castiel told him gently. "Yes, I know what you are, yes, I know what you've done, but that's not everything you are. There is so much more to you than your past, there is good too."

"You sure about that?" asked Dean.

"I am."

"And nothing I say will convince you otherwise?"

"I'm afraid not." replied Castiel.

"You're pretty damn stubborn for a man of the cloth, you know that?"

"I had an inkling." said Castiel.

Dean chuckled. "You are something else." he said in surprise.

"I'll take that as a compliment." Castiel said with a smile.

Silence fell between them and a while later they reached the end of the path ending up back where they'd started. Wordlessly they started on another path and continued walking. This particular path was more heavily wooded than the one they had been on before. It was much easier to see the variation in the colors of the leaves. They both looked around them, enjoying the view. "It really is beautiful, isn't it?" said Dean after a while.

"It certainly is." replied Castiel.

"It's been years since I thought anything was beautiful, everything's just dull and grey and colorless." Dean said quietly.

"And you still feel this way?" asked Castiel.

"I don't know."

"Yet you are able to see the beauty around you today." said Castiel.

"Maybe it's just your good influence on me." Dean replied.

"Maybe."

They finished their second circuit of the park and stopped by the gate. Dean turned to Castiel. "Hey Cas," he said.

"Yes Dean?"

"You know what would be fun?"

"What?"

"If we got some lunch and had a monster movie marathon." said Dean.

"Monster movies?" asked Castiel.

"Oh yeah, man. It's almost Halloween; they got all the classics on, Dracula, Frankenstein, Godzilla."

"I wasn't aware that Godzilla was a Halloween movie." said Castiel with a laugh.

"Well, maybe not, but it's still good."

"You think so?" asked Castiel.

"C'mon, you can't sit there and tell me that Godzilla vs. Mothra wasn't awesome."

"Of course not." said Castiel in a mock serious tone.

"Are you making fun of me?" asked Dean.

"Now why on earth would you think something like that?"

"Very funny," said Dean. "Keep it up and I won't share my delicious cheeseburgers with you."

"And what delicious cheeseburgers would these be?" asked Castiel.

"Oh man, you gotta try em'. There's this place like ten minutes from here, they got the best damn burgers I've ever had."

"Really, the best?"

"Hell yeah," said Dean. "Tell you what I'll grab my car and go and pick em' up and meet you back at your place."

"Alright." said Castiel. "That sounds great."

They walked as far as the church together where they parted ways, Dean went around to find his car and Castiel continued on home. Castiel had been home for about twenty minutes and was in the process of straitening up the living room when he heard the distinct rumble of the Impala's engine. He looked up and a moment later Dean was walking through the front door arms laden with bags. He went straight to the coffee table and dropped them on its surface. He then proceeded to drop down onto the sofa with a contented sigh. Castiel moved around the table and sat next to him. Dean reached into one of the bags and pulled out what looked to Castiel to be the biggest burger he'd ever seen, he handed it to Castiel. He pulled one out for himself and turned the TV on, flipping through channels until he came to a black and white film that could only have been Nosferatu. "Jack pot." he said happily. "You cool with this?" he asked.

"This was always one of my favorites." replied Castiel.

"Me too." said Dean unwrapping his burger and taking a bite. He closed his eyes a look of ecstasy on his face. "Aw man, that is good."

Castiel unwrapped his own burger and looked at it, cheeseburgers had never really been a great love of his, but Dean seemed to like them, and he trusted Dean. He took a tentative bite and was immediately dumbstruck. He didn't think that he had ever tasted anything so good in his life. "Oh my God." he said in awe.

"Good huh?" said Dean.

"This is fantastic." Castiel said.

"I knew you'd like it." Dean said with a chuckle.

They ate in silence and watched the movie and when they finished eating and the movie ended they watched the next one that was on. Three very cheesy horror films later, Dean turned to Castiel on the sofa. "Would you say that we were friends?" asked Dean.

"I don't know." said Castiel taken aback by the suddenness of the question. "Do you want to be friends?"

"Yeah, I think I do." replied Dean.

"Thank you Dean, I want to be your friend too." said Castiel happily.

"Thanks Cas."

After one last movie they called it a night. Dean paused by the door before leaving. "I might not make it to the service tomorrow, I got some stuff to do." he said with a sly look on his face.

"What stuff would this be?" asked Castiel.

"Oh y'know, just stuff. See you around Cas." Dean said and was out the door before Castiel could ask any more questions.

"Goodnight Dean." Castiel called after him.

True to his word, Dean was not at the service the next morning, nor did he show up at all throughout the day. Castiel spent his afternoon alternating between reading a Kurt Vonnegut novel and wondering what Dean could be up to. No matter how much thought he gave it he still had no idea what it could possibly be. It was getting late and Castiel was certain that Dean wasn't going to stop by. He decided to have a cup of tea and call it a night. As he sat in his favorite armchair sipping his tea his mind wandered back to Dean, about what he had said the night before about them being friends. It made Castiel smile to think about it. He had never really had friends before, acquaintances sure, but no one who actually cared enough about him to want to be his friend. He finished his tea and went to his room to get ready for bed. He lay down and was asleep within minutes.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hello again, hope you're all doing well. I got something real nice for you today, a road trip and some really adorable Dean and Cas and we finally get to hear Dean's story. Pretty sweet, right? So, without further ado. I hope you enjoy.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.  
Thanks for reading.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."

-John Lennon

* * *

Castiel had only been up for about twenty minutes when there came a rapid knocking on his door. He thought that perhaps something had happened and that he was required at the church. He considered getting dressed before answering seeing as he was still in the boxers and t-shirt he wore to bed. The knocking became more insistent and he decided against it hastening to the door and opening it to reveal Dean Winchester, grinning excitedly at him. "Morning Cas." he said.

"Good Morning Dean, you're here early. Would you like to come in?"

"Only for a minute." Dean said urgently as he stepped inside.

"Do you have somewhere to be?" asked Castiel.

"No, we got somewhere to be." Dean announced happily.

"We do?"

"Yup, remember how I said we wouldn't be able to find the parts for the car we need around here, and that we'd have to find a salvage yard?" asked Dean.

"Yes, I remember." replied Castiel. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, turns out there are a few good salvage yards within a fifty mile radius. I thought we could go and check em' out, y'know, make like a road trip out of it. Unless you'd rather stay here and do yard work."

"No, I'd love to go; I've never been on a road trip before." Castiel said with a smile.

"Me neither," Dean said. "Well, never just for fun before."

"I'd better go get dressed." Castiel said.

In his excitement Dean hadn't noticed that Castiel was in his underwear. When Castiel mentioned it he looked down and then away quickly, but not before Castiel saw a blush stain his cheeks. "Uh, yeah sure," he said still not looking at Castiel.

"I'll only be a few minutes." He told Dean and hurried to his room dressing at top speed and making it back to Dean quickly. When he came out Dean took one look at him and burst out laughing. "What?" asked Castiel, indignantly.

"C'mere," Dean said motioning him forward. Your collar's all crooked." Castiel stepped closer and Dean reached up and gently straightened the plastic collar, his fingers lingering a moment and brushing against Castiel's throat. Castiel swallowed past the lump that had formed in his throat and looked up into Dean's eyes. "There," he said smiling softly and pulling his hands away. "Perfect."

"I'll pack a few things for the trip," Castiel said still trapped in Dean's intense gaze, unable to move. "Cucumber sandwiches okay for you?"

"That sounds fine." said Dean.

He was standing far too close, but Castiel found that he didn't mind in the least. After several long moments that could have been hours for all he knew Castiel, finally regaining the use of his limbs broke their gaze and took a step back. "I'll be back in a minute." he said turning and going into the kitchen. He set to work making several sandwiches and packing fresh strawberries. When he had finished he put everything into the basket he used to gather his vegetables, he went back into the living room to find Dean sitting on the arm of his chair, waiting for him. "A picnic basket, really?" Could you be more girly?" Dean asked, laughing.

"I think it's nice." Castiel said. "If you don't like it I'll just eat all of these sandwiches and there'll be none for you."

"I'm just kidding Cas, it is a nice pic a nic basket." said Dean in a Yogi Bear voice.

"We should probably get going before you start doing more terrible impersonations." said Castiel laughing.

"Terrible!" said Dean in mock outrage. "That was gold."

"In your dreams."

"You should see my Jack Nicholson, spot on."

"I'm sure it is." said Castiel.

"You're just jealous." Dean said. "C'mon let's get going."

They made their way out to the Impala, Castiel putting the basket in the back seat and climbing into the car beside Dean. "So, where to first." he asked, starting to feel excited.

"Well, there's a pretty good place out near Baldwin City, I think we should start there. What about you?"

"That sounds good to me."

They had been driving for a few minutes when Castiel suddenly spoke. "What will I tell Michael and Gabriel, they'll be wondering where I am."

"Uh, I don't think they will be." Dean told him.

"What makes you say that?" asked Castiel.

"I kinda told Gabriel we were gonna be going on a road trip."

"When did you do this?"

"Last night."

"So you just waltzed in there and told him we were going on a road trip together, is that what you were busy doing yesterday, planning this?" Castiel asked.

"Yup, pretty cool, right?"

"How did you know Gabriel would be alright with it?"

"Well, I kinda did it before." Dean said sheepishly.

"What do you mean you did it before?" asked Castiel. Dean pretended to be busy reading road signs. "Dean? What did you do?"

"I asked him to switch services with you okay, happy now?"

"You did what? You mean to tell me that you're the reason Gabriel took over the evening services? Why didn't you tell me?" asked Castiel angrily.

"I thought you'd be mad and I wasn't trying to mess with you or anything, I just wanted you to be happy, y'know. Gabriel agreed with me, that's why he agreed to switch." Dean said.

"It's not for you, or Gabriel to decide, this is my life. You don't get to make decisions for me, who exactly do you think you are?"

"See," said Dean. "I knew you'd be mad. Listen, I know it was stupid and selfish and presumptuous and a whole bunch of other bad things, but look at it this way, aren't you happy that you're not chained to that church twenty four hours a day anymore. I mean look you're on your first road trip, that's not too bad, is it?"

"No, I guess not." Castiel said his anger deflating somewhat. "Don't do anything like that again, next time you tell me."

"Yeah okay, I promise." said Dean sincerely.

"Did you really do this to make me happy?" asked Castiel after a moment of silence.

"Sounds kinda girly when you say it like that, but yeah, I did."

"Thank you Dean." Castiel said smiling warmly at him. "You never cease to amaze me."

"Well, that's cause I'm pretty amazing." Dean said, flashing Castiel his brightest grin.

It was about an hour to Baldwin City and Dean made sure he had plenty of music so that he could continue Castiel's "education." He played him a little bit of everything, except the crap they've been making for the past twenty years, as Dean put it. They talked and laughed and Dean sang, badly and Castiel couldn't ever remember a time when he'd been so happy. Castiel was almost disappointed when the Impala shuddered to a halt outside of a large fenced off junkyard, he liked driving with Dean. They got out of the car and Castiel looked the place over, there weren't any signs of life and the place appeared to be abandoned. "Uh, Dean? Are you sure we're allowed to be here?" asked Castiel.

"Course we are." Dean replied heartily.

"So it's not abandoned?"

"Oh no, it's abandoned, but that don't make a difference."

"Are you insane? We can't break in there!" Castiel cried.

"Why not?" asked Dean.

"It's against the law, first of all, and second of all, have you forgotten that I am a priest? Breaking and entering isn't really on the list of things I'm allowed to do."

"Allowed? You're allowed to do whatever you want, man. And if you want that car fixed, we gotta hustle, let's go." Dean walked to a gap in the chain link fence and squeezed through it. He turned to see Castiel still rooted to the spot, arms crossed angrily. "C'mon, I'm gonna need your help and you can't help me from out there."

"I am most certainly not going in there. Breaking and entering is one thing Dean, but stealing is quite another." said Castiel huffily.

"Who said we're stealing anything?" Dean asked.

"Are you going to pay for what you take?"

"Um, no."

"Then that's stealing."

"It's abandoned, it's all junk, nobody wants this stuff, Cas. It's not like it will be missed. All the salvage yards in within a hundred miles have been abandoned, it's either this, or you don't make it back in time for service tomorrow."

"That's not the point, Dean"

"What is the point then, enlighten me."

"Thou shalt not steal." said Castiel. "I think that's pretty obvious and no matter how you try to rationalize it, this is stealing."

"C'mon," Dean said jocularly. "It'll be like an adventure, y'know."

"So, crime and sin is an adventure to you?"

"Hell yeah!" Dean said. "All the fun stuff is either immoral or illegal, or both."

Castiel rolled his eyes. "You're impossible, you know that?"

"I prefer adorable."

Castiel couldn't help the tiny smile that appeared on his face; he hoped Dean wouldn't notice; he did. "Is that a smile?" he asked teasingly.

"No!" Castiel said more forcefully than was necessary, refusing to look at Dean.

"So, you're just gonna wait out here, then?"

"Yes."

"Okay, just watch out for the dogs, alright."

"Dogs?" asked Castiel looking at Dean finally, a hint of unease creeping into his voice.

"Oh yeah," said Dean seriously. "When clear out of these places in a hurry like this, they usually leave the junkyard dogs behind. Doesn't take too long before they go wild, y'know. Old Fido turns pretty vicious if he gets hungry enough."

"How do you know there'll even be any dogs?" asked Castiel nervously.

"I been to enough places like this to know." Dean said sagely. "But I'm sure you'll be fine out here. Just lock yourself in the car if any turn up, whatever you do don't run, they like a chase."

Castiel looked positively terrified as Dean turned away from the fence. "Wait!" Castiel called all but running to the fence and climbing through. He looked around nervously before meeting Dean's eyes. "Just so you know, I'm doing this against my will, and I am not happy about it."

"Of course not." Dean said trying to keep the smile from his face.

"And I will not be stealing anything today. If you wish to take anything that is between you and God, and possibly the local authorities."

Dean laughed. "I'll keep that in mind." he said.

Dean led them down the rows and rows of rusted out and demolished cars. Some looked as if they might still run and others were nothing but twisted hunks of metal that vaguely resembled cars. "Keep an eye out for any old Chevy's, they don't necessarily have to be Chevelle's, all the cars from the same make and year will have similar parts."

"Alright." said Castiel and they continued searching. A few minutes later while Dean was bust inspecting a dented old Chevy Castiel walked over and leaned against the car. "If these old cars are so hard to fix how did you fix the Impala all those time?" he asked.

"Well, Bobby knew how much I love that car and he'd always try to have a few compatible junkers on hand, just in case. Can't tell you how handy that was."

"Do you miss him?"

"Who?" asked Dean.

"Bobby."

"Yeah, I do."

"Why has it been so long since you've seen him?" asked Castiel softly.

"I don't know, I guess life got in the way."

Dean was being vague, there was something he wasn't telling him and he obviously didn't want to talk about it. Castiel regretted bringing it up. "If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."

"I know, Cas."

The silence stretched out between them and soon Dean was up again, a piece of greasy black metal clutched in his hand. They finished scouring the salvage yard, finding several more of the parts that they needed. Soon they were back in the Impala and on the road to the next place. This one was also abandoned; Castiel only grumped a little before he entered and Dean didn't need to mention the dogs again. At the third place Castiel followed Dean eagerly through a hole in the fence and didn't complain once. At the fourth one, Castiel was the first one in and actually helped Dean carry some of the parts out, saying that he was only transporting discarded items to another location. Dean laughed at that. They hit four places and got everything they needed. After they'd packed everything into the trunk Castiel pulled the basket out of the car and placed it on the hood. They climbed up onto the hood and ate their lunch, chatting happily while they did. Once they'd finished they leaned back lounging on the car, content to just sit.

After about twenty minutes of silence Dean sat up and looked over at Castiel. "I haven't seen Bobby in ten years." he said. "Not since I started y'know. It was safer for him and Sam. You can't have close attachments in this business, you get close to people and they die. I couldn't risk it."

"Do they know why you left?" asked Castiel who had sat up and was now looking at Dean intently.

"No, I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"What happened to you, Dean?"

"What? You wanna know my story, is that it?" asked Dean skeptically.

"Yes." replied Castiel sincerely. "But only if you want to tell me."

There was silence for a moment and Castiel waited a lifetime in the anguished pause before Dean spoke. "Yeah," he said so quietly Castiel had to strain to hear him. "Yeah, I want to tell you. I was twenty-two and money was tight. My Dad didn't work, after my Mom died, he just sort of gave up, spent all his time drunk. Sam was eighteen at the time; he'd just got accepted into Stanford. He wanted to be a lawyer, you should have seen his face, he was so excited and I was so proud of him. I was working full-time at a garage and I bar-tended on weekends, I had some money put aside, but it wasn't enough. I didn't have the heart to tell Sam, so I started hustling pool and poker, anything I could do to make a little extra. One night I got caught scamming this guy, real nasty piece of work by the name of Alistair, he took me outside and I swear to God I thought he was gonna kill me, but he didn't. He told me he'd let me live if I did a job for him, said he'd even pay me for it. I said yes, hell, I didn't want to die. He said when the time came I'd get a call about the job and whatever it was I had to do it, or they'd kill me. So, I waited. A few weeks later I get a call, someone tells me there's a guy who owes Alistair money and that I got to take care of him. I thought, okay, I gotta rough this guy up a little, no big deal. So, I get there and see they got him tied up and he's bleeding pretty bad, that's when I realized what they wanted me to do. They put a gun in my hand and I-" Dean broke off looking at his hands which were clasped tightly together in his lap.

Castiel reached over and gently laid a hand over Dean's. "It's alright." he said. "You can tell me."

Dean looked up at Castiel, misery etched into every line of his face. "I did it." he said, sounding close to tears. "I shot him. There was blood everywhere and when they paid me and finally let me go, I got home and puked my guts out. It wasn't until the next day that I realized how much they had given me, five grand. I hated to take it, but I told myself it was for Sam and that it was worth it. So, when they called with another job, the threats weren't really necessary. I left about a month after that first job, I tried to tell myself that it was to keep them safe, y'know, but I think it was cause I just couldn't look at him anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of my Sammy finding out that I was a monster. I was a coward and I left. I paid his way through college and when he finished, I just kept going, I don't know, I couldn't stop. It's who I am now, I guess and nothing I do can change that."

"There is always hope." said Castiel.

"Don't say that to me." Dean said. "I've tried, believe me, I've tried and I just can't."

"I can help you, Dean, please let me help you." Castiel said pleadingly.

"No," Dean said fiercely. "People have tried to help me before and they've ended up dead, I'm not going to let that happen to you. I swear I'll keep you safe."

"Safe from what?" asked Castiel. "You or them?"

"I'm not sure anymore." Dean said smiling sadly.

"I'm not giving up on you," Castiel told him. "Even if you've given up on yourself."

"Why? What could you possibly see in me that's worth saving?"

"You are a good man, Dean. You are kind, and funny and thoughtful. Before I met you I was so alone and then you came along and I don't think I've ever been so happy. And that's just you, you make people happy, you're not cold and cruel, you're honest and gentle and sweet. I am so glad to have met you. The things you've done don't matter to me, the man you are, here and now, that's what matters and that's all I care about."

"Do you really mean that?" asked Dean.

"Yes, with all of my heart."

Dean blushed and looked down to see that Castiel's hand still rested on his own. He turned his hand fingers intertwining with Castiel's. Dean looked back at him, a gentle smile on his face. "Thanks, Cas." he said, giving his hand a squeeze. Castiel's heart sped up and he felt his face heating up, but he didn't move his hand. They sat like that for a while, sitting on the hood of the Impala as the sun sank lower in the sky. As it began to grow dark they separated more reluctantly than either of them would like to admit and got back into the car. The drive back to Lawrence was a muted affair. They were quiet each lost in his own thoughts, but both thinking back to the moment that they had shared. When they arrived back at Castiel's house, Dean walked him to his door and they stood regarding each other a little awkwardly. "So," Dean said.

"So," repeated Castiel.

"How was your first road trip?" asked Dean.

"More law breaking than I'd expected, but at least there were no wild dogs."

"Uh, well, I might have exaggerated that part a little." Dean said blushingly.

"I knew it! There were no dogs were there?"

"Not technically, but hey, you never know."

"So, you just made that up so I'd go in with you?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Dean said.

"You are a bad influence, Dean Winchester." Castiel said trying to keep the smile from his face and failing miserably.

"Well, it's a good thing you're such a good influence, then huh?"

"Yes, it is."

"I'll see you tomorrow Cas, we got a lot of work to do."

"We?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, figured you should at least know a little bit about your own car. Plus I'll get to show off my mechanical genius."

"You are a paragon of modesty."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"I know you will." Castiel said with a laugh. They stood for a moment in silence before Dean stepped forward and reached his hand out slightly, as if he were going to touch Castiel. After a moment he lowered and took a step back. "Bye Cas." was all he said.

"Goodbye Dean." Castiel replied, perplexed as he watched Dean get into the Impala and drive away.

The next morning dawned bright and sunny. Castiel readied himself for the cheerfully and made it into the church earlier than he usually did. He had to catch up on some time, as he didn't have any time the day before to work on his sermon. He didn't mind in the least and was quite at ease when Gabriel entered his office and sat down across from him. "You're here early." Castiel noted. "I thought you were going to use this time to get some rest?"

"Yes, well I wanted to catch you before your service." replied Gabriel. "So, how was your day yesterday?"

"Oh, it was fine."

"Really? Just fine?" asked Gabriel eyebrows raised. "I heard you were going on a road trip."

"Yes, we visited a few salvage yards in the area, Dean is planning on fixing up my car. Cars are a great love of his."

"That sounds nice, Castiel." said Gabriel happily. "It sounds like you two are getting to be good friends."

"Yes, I suppose we are."

"Typical, the new mystery man in town that everyone's got their eye on and he's stuck to you like glue. People will be talking about this one for years."

"Now Gabriel, we're just friends, not the stuff of gossip."

"Everything is the stuff of gossip around here. Anyway, I'll let you get back to work, knock em' dead."

"See you later." Castiel said as Gabriel rose and left the room.

Twenty minutes after Gabriel left Castiel found himself standing behind the altar, waiting for silence to fall and surreptitiously searching the room for a sign of Dean. He found him sitting closer to the front than he'd ever been, and when he grinned Castiel could see the hint of mirth in his eyes. There was a smile on Castiel's face the whole time he spoke and when the service had ended Castiel waited by the door for everyone to leave and he and Dean walked back to his house. The Impala was already parked out front and when Dean saw Castiel's questioning look he said it was easier than walking back to the church to get it.

Dean immediately began to unload the parts that they had collected together, Castiel helping him to move them into the garage. There wasn't much room with all of the junk Castiel kept out there, but they made do. When they had finished moving everything Dean began to sort through them, putting aside what he would be using that day. When he was done, he brought what he needed out to the driveway, propped the hood open and set to work. Castiel watched him work, fascinated and listened attentively as Dean carefully explained what he was doing. They worked for several hours, then they went inside where Castiel made them lunch and they ate Dean still explaining some complicated aspect of the job. After they'd eaten they went straight back to work, this time Castiel sat on the rock wall and just watched Dean work. He wasn't half wrong about the mechanical genius thing, he really was incredibly talented. The way he moved, so assuredly and with a subtle grace that seemed out of place in a man of his size. Castiel watched Dean work until the sun began to set, when he was finished Dean put his tools away and they went back into the house. Dean went to wash up and Castiel started preparing dinner, Castiel didn't even have to ask Dean if he wanted to stay.

After that night, they fell into a routine. Dean would attend Castiel's morning service and afterward they would walk back to Castiel's house together and Dean would immediately begin working on the car. He would work and Castiel would watch, helping now and then. They talked about anything and everything, laughing often. On Halloween Dean showed up with a mountain of candy and insisted they have a scary movie marathon. Needless to say, they were both quite sick the next day. Things were good, Dean made Castiel happy and from what he could tell he made Dean happy as well. It wasn't until about a month later when things began to change. The two of them were traveling this road together; completely unaware of where it would lead them and what would happen when they got there, but they didn't care, ignorance is bliss, or so the saying goes.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Hello again Dears, I'm trying to survive yet another snow storm. Will this winter never end, the winter of our discontent indeed. Anyways I've been super busy with school and work and everything, but of course I couldn't leave you all hanging. So here's Chapter 7 for your viewing pleasure. I hope you enjoy.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.  
Thanks for reading.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

"Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

-Marcel Proust

* * *

It was over a month since the enigmatic Dean Winchester had shown up and truth be told, he wasn't really news anymore. The whole town knew about his close and somewhat curious friendship with Castiel Novak. Over time they'd grown accustomed to seeing them talking after a service, or to seeing them at the grocery store, shopping. It was strange to see that a reserved and private man such as Castiel had grown so fond of another person, but he was happy and he was a good man, so they were happy for him. Dean had been making steady progress with the Chevelle. It was about a week before Thanksgiving when he and Castiel sat down to lunch and Dean gave Castiel his daily report of the car. "She should be finished any day now." Dean said.

"That's wonderful, Dean. Just in time, it's starting to get pretty cold out there. You've done some really good work, thank you."

"Eh, it's nothing." replied Dean.

"You're too modest, what happened to the mechanical genius?"

"Like I said Cas, you're a good influence on me."

"Am I now?"

"Definitely." Dean said, taking a bite out of his turkey sandwich.

"Hey, maybe when it warms up in the spring, we can give her a fresh coat of paint. She'll look just like new." said Dean, taking a bite out of his turkey sandwich and chewing contentedly.

"The spring?" asked Castiel, not quite believing what he'd heard. "I thought you said you were just passing through, I figured after the car was done there'd be no reason for you to stay."

"Oh, I guess I was kinda thinking about staying, but if you know you don't want me to, I mean if I've worn out my welcome you can let me know I'll get going when the car's done." Dean said, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

"No," said Castiel much louder than he'd intended. "I don't want you to go, I…I want you to stay."

"Really?" asked Dean softly.

"Yes." Castiel replied with as much sincerity as he could muster. "I like spending time with you."

"I like spending time with you too, Cas, and thanks, for, you know." Dean trailed off embarrassedly.

"You're welcome, Dean." Castiel said a soft smile on his face.

Later that night, after Dean had left, Castiel lay awake lost in thought. He really couldn't believe how drastically his life had changed over the past month. Before he'd been content with what he had, but since he'd met Dean, he'd experienced something he never had before. He didn't have many friends growing up and since he'd joined the Clergy he spent most of his time alone, apart from his talks with Gabriel. He had never known what it was like to have a friend, someone who honestly wanted to spend time with him. It left a warm feeling in his chest when he thought about it. Castiel had been so worried that Dean would leave when he was finished with the car. He hadn't thought for a moment that Dean would actually want to stay, especially not to spend time with him, but he did. Castiel sighed I relief, the tension that had been building in him every time Dean came into the house to tell him how well the car was going, slowly dissipated, leaving behind a gentle calmness that spread through him. He fell asleep that night at peace and lulled by thoughts of Dean Winchester.

The next morning dawned bright and cold and Castiel hurried to the church before the chill set into his bones. He had warmed up considerably and was putting the final touches on the sermon he would give that day when Gabriel walked through the open door and sat down across from Castiel. "Good morning, Castiel." he said cheerfully.

"Good morning, Gabriel." Castiel replied taken aback by Gabriel's exuberance.

"How have you been?" he asked. "I feel as if I've hardly seen you this past month."

"I've been keeping busy, you know how it goes."

"Still seeing a lot of Dean Winchester?" Gabriel asked.

"Yes, he's still fixing up my car; he should be done in a few days though."

"A few days," Gabriel remarked. "Will he be leaving then? A lot of people are surprised he even stayed this long."

"You shouldn't listen to idle gossip, and no, he won't be leaving when the car is finished." Castiel said.

"So he's staying then?"

"Yes, he is."

"For how long?" asked Gabriel. "I mean he doesn't plan to stay forever, does he?"

"I don't know. He hasn't really talked about it. He hasn't mentioned leaving."

"Has he mentioned anything more permanent than the old motel out on route 9?"

"Well, no, not exactly." Castiel replied uncomfortably.

"I just don't want you to get too used to him and then have him up and leave, you know?"

"Yes, I understand, thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine."

Gabriel stood. "Well, that's what I came to say. So I'll let you get back to it. By the way, are you doing anything for Thanksgiving this year?" asked Gabriel from the door.

"You know that I don't usually celebrate Thanksgiving." Castiel replied confused.

"I know, I just thought you might now that you have someone to spend it with." Gabriel said before disappearing through the doorway.

Castiel sat, stunned for a moment, he had never considered asking Dean over for Thanksgiving. It seemed pointless, Castiel didn't celebrate and Dean certainly didn't seem the type for such warm and fuzzy holidays. Now that Castiel thought about it, Dean probably hadn't had a proper Thanksgiving in over ten years, maybe he'd like to have one with Castiel. It was just a meal, no different than the dozens of other dinners they had shared. Castiel vowed to ask him about it after the service. He was distracted while he gave his sermon, his eyes drifting to where Dean sat and his mind wandering to turkeys and pies.

After the service while Dean and Castiel were walking back to his house, Castiel tried to think of a way to broach the subject. He didn't really know when a good time would be so he just waited. He followed Dean into the garage, where they had moved the car when it had started to get too chilly. They had spent an entire afternoon cleaning out all of the junk so that the car would fit. Halfway through the cleaning, Dean had found a box of old dusty pillows. He then proceeded to chase Castiel around the garage, whacking him with pillows, until Castiel had got his hands on one. It resulted in what Dean referred to as "The Battle of Pillow Creek" and left them both slumped, exhausted on top of a mountain of pillows laughing and sneezing from all of the dust. Castiel pulled up a chair as Dean set to work. There was silence for several minutes before Castiel decided to just get it over with. "Dean?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah, Cas?" replied Dean looking up from what he was doing.

"You know, Thanksgiving is less than a week away."

"Yeah, I'm aware." said Dean.

"Well," began Castiel awkwardly. "I didn't know if you had plans, or if you celebrate at all, but I was…"

"Yeah?" prompted Dean.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to spend the day here. I could cook and we could eat and maybe it would be fun." Castiel finished lamely.

"Are you asking me to have Thanksgiving dinner with you?" asked Dean incredulously.

"Yes." replied Castiel timidly.

"It's been a long time since I've done any holidays, you know." Dean said.

"Of course, I understand if you'd prefer not to." Castiel said quickly.

"I never said I didn't want to."

"Do you?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, I do." replied Dean looking at Castiel expression unreadable. "I'd really like that, Cas."

"Alright well, it's settled then." said Castiel. "Tomorrow's Tuesday, I can do the shopping then. You are going to love my apple pie."

"Dude," Dean said utterly serious. "You can bake pie?"

Castiel laughed at the serious look on Dean's face. "Yes." he said.

"This is like huge news, why have you never told me this. It's like the most amazing skill you can have."

"Really?" asked Castiel. "Better than being good with cars?"

"Hell yeah," Dean said. "Cars are great, but pie is the best."

"You're the best." said Castiel a goofy smile on his face.

"Well, I think you're the best." Dean replied, an equally cheesy grin on his face. "Hey, what do you say we forget about the car and just like veg out all day in front of the TV?"

"Hmmm." Castiel said in mock thoughtfulness. "Okay. Sounds good to me." he said smiling brightly.

"Sweet," Dean said throwing down the rag he had been using to wipe his hands. "I think there's a Clint Eastwood marathon on today."

"I'll make us some popcorn." Castiel said as they walked into the house together.

"Awesome. Remember, extra butter." Dean called as he went to get settled.

Castiel found the popcorn with ease this time. He now had a huge box of it, Dean insisted on it, saying you can never have enough popcorn. As Castiel turned the microwave on he realized how much of the food in the kitchen was there because of Dean. Dean's favorite beer that he loved to kick back and drink after a day in the garage, all of the fixings for Dean's favorite cheeseburgers and always a pie or two, Dean went through them faster than Castiel could buy them. As he stood, waiting for the popcorn to be done, he thought for the hundredth time how glad he was that he had met Dean. When the microwave beeped Castiel poured the steaming popcorn into a bowl, making sure to add extra butter, just how Dean liked it and brought it out to the living room, along with water for himself and a beer for Dean.

"Thanks man," said Dean as Castiel set everything down on the table and took a seat beside him. They sat together with their feet propped upon the table, a habit Castiel had picked up from Dean. They munched on popcorn and watched Heartbreak Ridge. Castiel found that the longer they knew each other the less important personal space seemed to become. Once they had sat stiffly on the sofa about a foot apart, now, however, they sat side by side, thighs almost touching. Castiel didn't mind in the slightest and it seemed to him that Dean didn't mind either seeing as he was the one who always edged closer to him when he sat down. After Heartbreak Ridge, they watched The Enforcer and after that they watched Any Which Way You Can, Dean seemed to really like the monkey ones, and halfway through Dean piped up. "Hey, man how come we never go out?"

"What do you mean?" asked Castiel curiously.

"Well, I mean we go to the store and stuff, but I mean why don't we ever go out and do fun stuff together like go to a bar, or something."

"Well," Castiel said thoughtfully. "I don't often go to bars; it's not customary for a priest to go to such places."

"Why's that?" asked Dean.

"I suppose people usually find it odd to drink with their pastor, that and drinking is not common practice for men of the cloth." replied Castiel.

"Is it against your vows, or something?"

"No we are allowed to drink, it's only frowned upon in excess."

"So, would you ever come out and have a beer with me, like at the Roadhouse?" asked Dean.

"Well, Ellen Harvelle has been trying to get me to go there for quite some time now. I suppose it would be alright if we went there sometime." said Castiel.

"What about tonight?" asked Dean with a slight smirk.

"Tonight?" repeated Castiel looking taken aback by the suddenness of the request. "Well, yes that would be fine."

"Really? You sure? I mean I don't want to force you, I just thought it'd be fun to get out for a bit, you know." Dean said.

"I understand Dean and you're not forcing me. I never went before because there was never a real reason to, but if you're there then that will be fine."

"Alright well, let's do this." Dean said jumping up from the sofa excitedly. "This is gonna be a blast, man."

"I'm sure it will." said Castiel, smiling at Dean's enthusiasm as they walked out to the Impala.

"You know, pretty soon we can start taking your car." said Dean once they were inside the Impala.

"We could always have taken my car, you just couldn't be sure if you'd actually make it to where you were going."

"Yeah well, not when I'm through with her, she'll be purring in no time."

"Purring, really?" Castiel asked with a laugh as Dean pulled away from the curb.

"Yeah, good cars purr, everybody knows that."

"And what about the Impala?" asked Castiel.

"My baby doesn't purr, she roars." said Dean with pride, patting the dashboard.

Castiel laughed and a moment later Dean joined him. They spent the remainder of the short trip cracking up at nothing in particular. When they pulled up to the Roadhouse Castiel's sides hurt and he was wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. They both stepped out of the car and Dean started towards the doo, while Castiel hung back, suddenly nervous. "Hey man, what's wrong." Dean asked when he noticed that Castiel hadn't moved.

"It's just; I've never been to a place like this before." Castiel admitted.

"That's ok, Cas. Nothing bad is gonna happen; I'll be there the whole time." Dean promised.

"Yes alright, thank you, Dean." Castiel walked to where Dean was waiting for him and together they walked into the Roadhouse.

Castiel was struck by how empty it was and how clean. He had expected a room full of drunken reprobates and loose morals, but he saw none of those things. What he did see was a few people keeping to themselves and nursing their particular poison. It was quiet and granted that it was still early; Castiel doubted that it ever got much rowdier than this. "Not too bad, huh?" asked Dean nudging him gently.

"No it's not." agreed Castiel flashing Dean a relived smile.

They made their way to the bar, Castiel always a step behind Dean, and sat down. When Ellen saw them she made her way to them looking pleased. "Father!" she exclaimed. "You finally made it out; I thought you'd never take me up on my offer."

"Yes well, it seems that I have." Castiel replied.

"And who's this?" asked Ellen looking at Dean.

"Dean Winchester." said Dean extending his hand to her. "I was in a few times, never really got around to intros."

"That's fine, I'm Ellen Harvelle, I run the place with my daughter Jo." said Ellen. "So, what can I get you?"

"Two beers." Dean said.

Ellen looked between Dean and Castiel eyebrows raised. "I'll be back in a minute with that." she said.

When she was gone Dean turned to Castiel who had been rather quiet. ""How you doing, Cas?"

"I'm fine, Dean."

Dean was about to tell Castiel that he didn't believe him, but just then their drinks arrived and Dean changed the subject by taking a long drink from the bottle. "It's not gonna bite, you know." he said seeing the look of apprehension on Castiel's face.

"Of course." Castiel replied as he took a tentative sip from his beer. He looked thoughtful for a moment before shrugging and taking another.

"Not bad, am I right?"

"It is satisfactory."

Dean laughed at his somber manner. "Good to hear it." he said.

They sat and talked and drank. Three hours and several beers later Dean was feeling a pleasant buzz and Castiel was feeling decidedly muzzier. "You were right, Dean, this is fun." he said slurring slightly.

"I'm glad you're having a good time. I wish I had known you'd be such a lightweight, though" Dean said teasingly.

"I am not a lightweight." Castiel said indignantly.

"Yeah sure." said Dean finishing his beer. "C'mon let's get you home, I think you've had enough."

Dean all but carried Castiel out to the Impala, he had gotten quite friendly and was calling out goodbyes to everyone he passed, telling them that he'd see them all at service on Wednesday morning. Dean kept a hold of him, chuckling. Once he'd bundled him into the car Dean got in and looked over at Castiel. He was leaning back in his seat, a pleasant smile on his face. Dean drove Castiel home and helped him to the front door. They stood for a moment and then Castiel took a step towards Dean and stumbled into him. Dean caught him around the waist and held him up. Dean held him tighter and Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, looking up at him. Their faces were mere inches apart and Castiel could smell the beer on Dean's breath and see the flecks of gold in his green eyes. They stood like that for a moment longer than was necessary before Dean pulled back and patted Castiel on the shoulder. "Easy there, buddy." he said gruffly. "C'mon I'll help you upstairs, there's no way you're making it up them on your own."

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel replied holding tightly onto Dean as they made their way into the house. Dean half carried Castiel up the stairs and into his bedroom, gently laying him down on the bed. He proceeded to remove Castiel's shoes and then he pulled the covers over him. He was reaching up to remove his collar when Castiel reached his hand out and tenderly laid it on Dean's cheek. Dean froze for a moment and seemed to lean into the touch. Dean finished working the collar out of Castiel's shirt and placed it on the nightstand. He looked down at Castiel, who still had his hand on his cheek and was now tracing gentle circles over his cheekbone with his thumb. He placed a hand over Castiel's. "Goodnight, Cas." he said smiling.

"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel said finally removing his hand from Dean's face. Dean stood and left the room, Castiel was asleep before he made it to the stairs.

The following morning Castiel slept in and was still in bed when he heard Dean let himself in downstairs. There was some clattering from the kitchen and several minutes later, Dean appeared at his bedroom door with a cup of coffee in his hand. "I figured you could use this." he said with a grin as Castiel dragged himself into a sitting position and took the cup from Dean. "How you feeling?" he asked.

"I've felt better." Castiel admitted taking a long sip form the steaming mug.

"C'mon." Dean said. "I'll make you breakfast."

Dean was in the kitchen cracking eggs by the time Castiel had managed to stay upright long enough to make it down the stairs. He slumped into one of the kitchen chairs, resting his head on the table. Castiel heard something rattle and then Dean was holding something out to him. "Here" he said.

They were aspirin and Castiel took them gratefully. "Thank you." he said. "You don't have to do all of this you know."

"I don't mind, hangovers can be a bitch." Dean said as he continued cooking.

Several minutes and a cup of coffee later Dean set a plate of eggs and toast in front of Castiel and he actually felt like he might be able to eat it. Dean sat across from him and dug into his own breakfast. "I know it's not much," he said through a mouthful of egg. "But it does the trick."

"It's fine, Dean. I really appreciate this you know."

"Don't worry about it. "It's kinda my fault anyway." Dean said guiltily. "Going out was my idea."

"It was a good idea." Castiel said. "I had fun."

"Really?" asked Dean surprised. "I'm surprised you even remember anything. You were pretty tipsy."

"Yes, well, I don't often drink. I didn't think I would be so affected." Castiel said, embarrassed.

"I told you man, you're a lightweight." Dean said jokingly.

"You might be right about that." Castiel replied with a smile.

They ate their breakfast in an amiable silence. When they'd finished, Castiel went upstairs to get dressed and Dean cleared up after breakfast. Once Castiel was presentable he rejoined Dean in the living room. "It seems as if we've got a lot of shopping to do." he remarked. "Thanksgiving is in two days."

"It'll be a miracle if you get everything you need. I'd love to see you wrestle some old granny for the last turkey." Dean said with a laugh.

"I'm certain it won't some to that." Castiel said seriously. "And if it does I'll need you to be my backup."

This had Dean cracking up again and he laughed all the way out to the Impala. They got in the car and Dean turned the radio on as he pulled away from the curb. A song Castiel had never heard before came on and Dean leaned over and began singing to him as he drove. "I can't fight this feeling any longer. And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship, has grown stronger." sang Dean loudly and very off-key. "I only wish I had the strength to let it show."

Castiel was beaming by the time he finished. "Don't quit your day job." he said laughing.

"Hey," Dean said in protest. "I am a damn good singer."

"Yes, Dean. Your beautiful voice has the ability to melt the hearts of women everywhere."

"That's more like it."

They drove the rest of the way in silence when they pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store it was packed. Before they went in Castiel suggested they split up once inside and grab everything they needed as fast as they could. Castiel gave Dean his list of things to get and once they crossed the threshold he was off like a bat out of hell. Castiel found a cart and set out more slowly. He was just picking up the turkey one of the last ones left when he spotted Ellen Harvelle headed his way. He looked around desperately for a distraction; he certainly didn't want to face her after what had happened the night before. She caught sight of him a second later and made her way to him with a smile on her face. "Father," she exclaimed. "It's good to see you again."

"It's lovely to see you again, Mrs. Harvelle." Castiel said politely.

"You had yourself quite a night last night, you been the talk of the town all day."

"I was afraid that might happen." Castiel said.

"Yeah well, that Dean fella sure riles people up, don't he?" Ellen asked.

"Yes, he does." Castiel agreed.

"Where's he been staying the past few days anyway?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The motel he was staying at, Rufus told me they had to shut it down, something about a water main break. Anyway they had to clear everyone out."

"I didn't know that had happened." Castiel said shocked.

"Yeah, I figured he'd have told you." Ellen said.

"No, he didn't tell me."

"Huh, he must have found a place to stay, then." she said.

"Yes, he must have."

Just then Dean turned the corner into the aisle and ambled over to them. "Hey, I got everything we needed. Did you have to wrestle anyone for the turkey?"

"No, Dean." Castiel said. "You remember Ellen."

"Oh yeah," said Dean noticing her for the first time. "Good to see you again."

"You too," She said. "Well, I'd better get going. You two should come by the Roadhouse more often; you made quite the impression last night."

"Did we now?" asked Dean. "Well, we'll make sure to get out there again soon."

"Alright." she said. "See you boys later."

After she had gone Dean and Castiel finished up their shopping and got out of there as fast as they could. They were getting strange looks from many of the people they passed and the crowds were starting to get out of hand. Once back in the Impala Castiel couldn't help thinking about what Ellen had said. If Dean wasn't staying at the motel, then where was he staying?" There weren't really any other options in town. The thing that Castiel had the hardest time wrapping his mind around was that Dean hadn't even told him. He'd thought they were getting to be good friends and that Dean was starting to trust him enough to tell him things, but he hadn't said anything about the motel closing. As they drove in silence Castiel desperately wanted to ask Dean about it, but he hesitated. He didn't want to invade Dean's privacy, to become just another bothersome gossiper like all the rest. He trusted Dean to tell him if something was wrong, so he decided to let it go, for now.

They arrived back at Castiel's and once they'd unpacked all of the groceries Dean retreated to the garage where he continued working on the nearly finished Chevelle. As he sat talking to Dean, watching him work on the car, he tried to act casual, and not to appear too obvious that he was itching to ask Dean about what had happened. The day passed quickly and Castiel managed not to say anything to Dean. They parted ways in the evening Dean agreeing to come over after the service the next day to help Castiel do some of the cooking so that everything would be ready for Thanksgiving on Thursday. As Castiel lay in bed that night, he realized he would not be able to hold onto his secret much longer. Priests are by nature very bad liars and this felt too much like lying for it to sit well with him. He vowed then, to ask Dean about it the next chance he got. With this dilemma finally settled in his mind, Castiel fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Here we are again, hope you're all having a better week than I am. Anyways, I've got something real special for you, pie and adorableness and so much more. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all characters property of Kripke and the CW.**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"In the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word."

-Walt Whitman

* * *

Castiel spent the following morning worrying about the conversation he planned to have with Dean. He just needed more time to think it through, but it seemed as if the clocks were working at double speed. In no time at all the service had finished and Castiel was walking home with Dean. When they arrived Castiel immediately went to the kitchen and started pulling out the ingredients for the pie. He kept his eyes down as he sliced the apples and after a moment Dean came over and helped him. After all of the apples were sliced Dean leaned back against the counter, looking at Castiel hard, who fidgeted under his gaze. "You okay?" he asked after a minute.

"Yes, Dean. I'm fine." Castiel replied quickly.

"Right, because if there was ever anything you wanted to say to me, you'd say it right?"

"Yes." said Castiel, not looking at him.

"Is there something you want to say to me?" asked Dean.

"Why would you think that?" asked Castiel, trying to change the subject. It didn't work.

"You've been acting weird since yesterday, been too quiet. Listen, if I did something, you can tell me."

"No, Dean. Of course it's not something you did." said Castiel reassuringly.

"But there is something." Dean prompted.

"Yes, I suppose there is." Castiel admitted.

"Well, would you care to enlighten me?"

"It's just something Ellen said at the store yesterday."

"What would that be?" Dean asked, losing patience.

"She said that the motel on route 9, the place you've been staying closed down. She asked me where you were staying now and I didn't know. Is it true, Dean?"

"Yeah, it's true."

"Where have you been staying?" Castiel asked.

"Uh, my car." Dean admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Castiel asked. "You could have frozen to death out there at night."

"I didn't want you to worry that's all and I didn't want it to look like I was asking for handouts or anything."

"I would never think that of you, Dean and you should know that I would never want you sleeping in your car when I've got a perfectly good spare bedroom upstairs."

"Spare bedroom?" Dean asked, confused.

"Yes, it's yours from now on. I don't want you sleeping in that car again. The Impala's wonderful, but not as a bedroom." Castiel said.

"Wait, are you asking me to move in here?" Dean asked, looking for some sign that Castiel was joking.

"Yes, I am." replied Castiel sincerely.

"I wouldn't want to impose." Dean began.

"It wouldn't be an imposition, you spend most of your time here already, and there won't really be a drastic change. Besides I enjoy your company." Castiel said matter-of-factly. "C'mon. we'll get your things and I'll show you to your room and let you get settled."

They carried Dean's few belongings up the stairs and to the spare bedroom, which was right across the hall from Castiel's own. They placed the bags on the floor and Dean looked around appreciatively. He turned to Castiel real warmth in his eyes. "Thanks, Cas." he said. "This is great."

"It's my pleasure, Dean." said Castiel happily. "I hope you find everything to your liking, and feel free to change things around to better suit you."

"Nah, it's perfect." Dean said grinning.

"Well, I'll leave you to it; I've got to get that pie in the oven." Castiel said as he walked to the door, he paused at the threshold and turned back to Dean, a smile on his face. "Welcome home." was all he said.

Dean joined Castiel in the kitchen a few minutes later sniffing the air as he sat down. "Mmmm. That smells awesome."

"It's going to taste even better." Castiel promised him.

Dean helped Castiel peel potatoes while the pie baked; he was hoping to get most of the preparation done today, so that tomorrow all he would have to worry about would be cooking everything. They sat together, not saying much, peeling here and dicing there. When everything was ready and the pie was out of the oven, and Castiel had chased Dean away from it for the third time Dean announced that he was going to work on the car. After he'd gone Castiel cleaned up the kitchen, did the dishes and put everything away. When the kitchen was as clean as he could get it, he wandered out to the garage to see how Dean was doing. He had only taken a few steps into the garage when he realized that Dean was not hunched under the hood, like Castile had found him so many times. He was in fact standing a foot away from the car, wiping his hands on a rag. He looked up when Castiel came in. "Well," he said triumphantly. "She's all done."

"You're finished?" asked Castiel surprised.

"Yup, aint she beautiful?"

"She looks wonderful." Castiel agreed.

"We should take her out for a spin, y'know, see how she runs." Dean said excitedly.

"That is a great idea." said Castiel. "I'll get the keys."

Castiel went back into the kitchen and retrieved the keys from the hook by the door. He was back in the garage in seconds. He tossed Dean the keys with a smile.

"What're these for?" Dean asked surprised.

"They make the car go." replied Castiel sarcastically.

"I got that bit, smartass; I mean why are you giving them to me? It's your car."

"And you fixed her up, so by rights you get to take her out for the first ride. It's only fair."

"Thanks man," Dean said smiling happily. "This is gonna be awesome."

When Dean turned the key in the ignition and the engine roared to life, Castiel was extremely impressed. And when Dean pulled out of the driveway and gunned the engine and the car shot off without one single sound of protest, well, Castiel was downright amazed. After a half an hour Dean pulled over and let Castiel take the wheel. He didn't drive nearly as fast and he couldn't stem the flow of praises that kept tumbling from his lips. Dean blushed and smiled happily whenever this happened and Castiel couldn't help the surge of affection he felt. About an hour into their drive just before the sun set, Dean asked to take over again; he said he had something that he wanted to show him. Castiel switched with him, wondering what Dean could possibly want to show him.

They drove for about a half an hour and as they did they moved further and further away from the town. There were fewer buildings and more trees out here. Castiel wondered what could be out here, seeing as it looked like the middle of nowhere. He waited patiently and when the car started to slow Castiel looked up to see that they had driven through a large knot of trees and come out into a clearing of some kind. A moment later Castiel realized that it wasn't a clearing; it was a sheer cliff face that they were now parked awfully close to.

"C'mon." Dean said, after a minute. "You can't see anything from in here."

They got out of the car, Dean walked around to lean against the hood and Castiel followed tentatively. From his new vantage point he could see that they were quite high up, he looked away nervously and instead focused his attention on Dean. "What is this place?" he asked him.

"Just a place I come to sometimes."

"How did you find it?"

"It was a while ago, back when I first got here, before I made that confession. Anyway, I was pretty drunk, don't know what I was planning on doing, I just got in my car and drove. Driving eases my mind; y'know and I guess I had a lot on my mind that night. Anyway, I got lost and stumbled on this place. I haven't been back since, I'm surprised I even remembered how to get here, but I wanted to show it to you.

"Why?" asked Castiel.

"I guess because before I met you, I couldn't really appreciate it, I was drunk and miserable. It's such a beautiful place that I didn't want to leave it like that in my mind. I've been wanting to take you here since that day in the park. I knew with you here, I could really see it, you know."

"Thank you for sharing this with me, Dean." said Castiel. "This is…This is beautiful."

They stood side by side, looking out into the distance. The view from the ledge was breathtaking; they could see nothing but an ocean of green for miles. It was windy where they stood and the gusts caused the trees to sway beneath them, it looked like rippling waves in the oceans depths. The sun had begun to set and the sky was streaked with vibrant color, pink bleeding into orange and the brightest gold. Castiel wasn't sure if it was the view itself, or maybe the man he was sharing it with, but in that moment he was certain that he had never before in his life seen anything so beautiful. There was silence between them as the world darkened around them and when it became too dark for them to see much of anything Dean leaned closer and bumped his shoulder against Castiel's. "C'mon," he said. "Let's go home."

Dean drove them home and once onside he seemed to hesitate. "I want you to know how much I appreciate you letting me stay here." he said. "There's not many people who would."

"You're my friend, Dean." replied Castiel, as if that were answer enough and maybe it was.

"Thank you, Cas." Dean said sincerely.

"You're welcome, Dean." said Castiel. "We should probably get to bed, that turkey has to go in the oven early if we want to be eating on Thanksgiving."

They walked up the stairs and on the landing they each paused in front of their doors. Castiel turned and with an awkward half wave he said. "Goodnight, Dean."

"Night, Cas." Dean replied and disappeared into his room.

Castiel stepped into his own room a moment later. He was distracted as he undressed. He couldn't stop thinking that Dean Winchester was only a room away. All those nights he lay awake, wondering what Dean was doing, wondering if he'd disappear one night and never come back. Now he was here, really here, it was hard for Castiel to wrap his head around. He climbed into bed in the hopeful knowledge that Dean wasn't going anywhere. He was going to stay and they were going to have Thanksgiving dinner together and just when he thought things couldn't get any better, they did.

Castiel awoke the next morning earlier than usual and it took him a second to realize what had happened the day before. When he did he jumped out of bed and dressed at top speed. He stepped onto the landing and listened for a moment, hearing nothing from Dean's room he headed downstairs, deciding to let Dean sleep in. He sat down in the kitchen with his steaming mug of tea and thought to himself that it was going to be a good day. He had finished his tea and was in the middle of trying to wrestle the turkey into the pan when Dean sauntered into the kitchen in nothing but a pair of old grey sweatpants. Castiel tried to hide his look of surprise, but he was sure Dean saw from the smirk he was giving him now. "Need a hand?" he asked.

"That would be lovely." Castiel replied. Dean walked over to where Castiel was standing and easily lifted the bird into the pan. He put the pan in the oven, getting it ready for later and turned around, leaning back casually. "Morning." he said with a smile.

"Good morning." Castiel replied. "How did you sleep?"

"Like a baby." Dean said. "Damn, I haven't slept in a real bed in years. Those motel mattresses are a killer on the lower back."

"Well, I'm glad you were comfortable." Castiel said.

"So," said Dean. "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Well, after the service, anything you like. I don't suppose you'll still be attending services."

"I will." Dean replied.

"Really?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, I like to hear you speak."

"Thank you." replied Castiel, blushing. "Well, I'd better get going; I'll see you over there."

"I'm looking forward to it." replied Dean with a grin.

Castiel walked to the church smiling to himself. He settled himself behind his desk and began working on his sermon for the day. Today he would talk about thankfulness and appreciation, usually it was with the Lord in mind that he said these things, but today it was with someone very different in his thoughts. Maybe it was strange to feel thankful for such a man, but if he was honest with himself, he did thank God for Dean Winchester. Without him his life would be a very dull and lonely affair. He hoped that he could help him; he'd been trying to think of a way out for Dean. He would never tell Dean that he intended to help him, he would certainly not approve. He'd thought about contacting the police, but of course that would only put Dean in jeopardy. The more Castiel thought about it, the more puzzling it seemed to be. He knew there must be a solution and he had faith that it would come to him, until then he just needed to keep Dean with him and out of trouble.

He decided not to worry himself about these things today; he wanted today to be good day for the both of them. It was almost time for the morning service and Castiel; having finished his sermon left his office and made his way to the sanctuary. On his way he couldn't help thinking about Dean's choice to continue attending services and his reasons for doing so, he was flattered by what Dean had said. The moment he stepped up to the altar he saw Dean grinning happily at him from the first row. It took Castiel a great deal of self-control not to just grin back at him and when Dean winked cheerfully at him he had to turn away before he broke down completely. He did his best to keep his eyes off of Dean during his sermon, but every now and then he found that his eyes roamed over to him without his consent. Before he knew it, he was staring and he had to tear his gaze away with increasing difficulty each time. After what seemed like an eternity, the service ended. Castiel hastily cleaned up, putting everything away. He wished he could just skip the part where he had to stand by the door and greet the people who were leaving. He stood by the door, fidgeting impatiently, while trying to smile and look pleasant. It was another fifteen minutes before the sanctuary was empty except for him and Dean.

Dean was by his side in a moment. "Hey," he said. "That was a nice service, Cas."

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel replied. "We should probably get back and get that turkey cooking."

"Sounds good to me." Dean said.

They walked home together and Castiel glowed inside when he thought if it as their home. Once inside Castiel turned the oven on and went into the living room where Dean was sprawled out on the sofa watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Dean looked up when Castiel entered the room and shifted a little on the sofa to make room for him. Castiel sat down and realizing what Dean was watching, he laughed. "You're watching the parade?" he asked, amused.

"I haven't seen one of these in years. I thought it was fitting with the whole Thanksgiving thing, y'know."

"Yes, of course." replied Castiel solemnly. "And I know how much you love Elmo."

Dean threw a pillow at him. "I do not like Elmo, that thing creeps me out." he said huffily.

"Lying is a sin, Dean. I know for a fact that you adore him." Castiel replied trying to maintain a serious tone.

"That's it, now you're gonna get it." Dean all but growled and launched himself at Castiel. He pinned him to the sofa and started tickling him. Dean may or may not have known that Castiel is extremely ticklish and the second his fingers touched his sides he was giggling very loudly and just a bit girlishly. Dean didn't stop until Castiel was gasping for breath and begging for mercy. For a long moment after Dean's hands had left Castiel's sides he stayed where he was, half on top of Castiel and pinning him to the sofa. Castiel could feel an intense heat spreading throughout his body and he looked up into Dean's eyes and Dean was looking down at him intently, his eyes flickered downward for a second and he licked his lips quickly before he sat up and moved away.

Castiel was still panting slightly and he was bit confused by Dean's behavior. Dean was still looking at him and the intensity of the gaze sent an involuntary shiver down Castiel's spine. They sat in silence for several minutes before Castiel got up and went into the kitchen to check on the turkey. He hadn't heard Dean get up and follow him and when he turned around he nearly jumped when he saw Dean leaning casually up against the fridge. His arms were folded across his chest and he had a small smirk on his face. "Need a hand?" he asked.

"That won't be necessary." Castiel told him. "You're going to miss the parade."

"I got bored of it." Dean admitted. "We could watch a movie, or something, if you want."

"That sounds nice. What did you have in mind?"

"I don't know. We could see what's on." Dean suggested.

"Alright." Castiel said.

It turned out that there was only one channel actually playing movies on Thanksgiving and this movie happened to be The Notebook. Dean seemed to realize what it was and instantly became uncomfortable. "We could do something else, if you want." he said.

"What's wrong, Dean?" asked Castiel, confused. "Is something wrong?"

"This is a chick-flick, man." Dean said as if that explained everything.

"It doesn't seem too bad to me." replied Castiel. "Unless you'd rather watch the Lion King."

Dean looked even more uncomfortable and pouting slightly said. "Fine we can watch it, but I'll tell you right now, I won't like it."

A half an hour later Castiel looked over and was pleased to see that Dean was completely enthralled. He could sit there and say he hated chick flicks and be as macho and masculine as he liked, but Castiel could see that Dean liked it. And when it was over Castiel peered at Dean from the corner of his admittedly not so dry eye and saw that he was hastily wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He smiled to himself and nudged Dean's calf with his foot. "Did you like it?" he asked, playfully.

"It was alright." Dean admitted. "I'm not saying I liked it, but it wasn't terrible and if you ever tell anyone about this, it will be the last thing you ever do."

"I will preserve your masculinity and tell no one." Castiel said.

"Good." Dean replied and a moment later they both burst out laughing hysterically. They laughed until their sides hurt and there were tears in their eyes. When they'd finally calmed down they were out of breath and slumped together on the sofa. Castiel heaved a contented sigh and got up. "Where are you going?" asked Dean sounding a bit disappointed.

"I've got to check on the turkey." Castiel replied.

"Hurry back." Dean said. "Star Wars is on next."

"I will." Castiel promised. He checked on the turkey making sure to baste it properly and hurried back into the living room. He plopped down onto the sofa next to Dean. The movie was just starting and Dean seemed much more at ease with this one. Castiel curled up on the sofa and involuntarily inched closer to Dean until their shoulders were only an inch apart. Dean didn't seem to mind as he sighed and leaned closer to Castiel. Sitting there with Dean next to him, Castiel felt completely at peace, a feeling not even the church or prayer had ever given him. He looked to Dean wanting to say something, but not quite knowing how. He took a deep breath and spoke. "Dean, are you happy?"

Dean looked over at him his expression unreadable. "I-I don't know, Cas. If you'd have asked me that a month ago the answer would have been easy. But now, being here with you, yeah I guess I am. You talked to me about peace once, well, this is the closest thing to peace I have ever felt."

Castiel was stunned. He felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him and for a split second, he had the urge to reach out and touch Dean. He resisted and just looked at him, waiting for him to say that he was joking, that he didn't mean it, but he didn't. He just looked at Castiel with nothing but warmth and affection and Castiel felt like his heart had grown too large for his chest and would burst out of him at any moment. It was a while before he trusted himself to speak. "Dean, I…I don't know what to say."

"Just tell me that you're happy too."

"I am, Dean. I am so happy, thank you."

Dean just smiled and bumped his shoulder against Castiel's. There was silence between them again and they curled up on the sofa and watched Star Wars. Dean was so shocked when Castiel told him that he had never seen it, so he spent most of the movie explaining everything and making mostly unnecessary comments. Castiel didn't mind though, he liked how excited Dean was and he spent the whole movie with most of his attention on Dean rather that the TV. By the time the movie was over it was time for Castiel to go and start cooking everything for dinner. He reluctantly got up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen. He felt rather than heard Dean follow him and he smiled when he turned around and saw Dean standing a few feet away, looking at him expectantly.

"I feel bad, you doing all the cooking, I want to help." he said.

"Alright," agreed Castiel. "Do you know how to make mashed potatoes?"

"I think I can handle it."

"Good, they're in the fridge; they're already peeled so you just have to mash them and cook them."

"Don't you worry about that, I am a phenomenal masher." Dean said grinning.

Castiel just laughed and got to work on the vegetables. There wasn't a whole lot to do since they had gotten most of the work done the day before. They worked together in the small kitchen, sometimes bumping elbows, or accidentally brushing against one another, always smiling shyly afterward. It was another hour until everything was ready and when the turkey was finished Dean wordlessly went to the oven and pulled it out. They set the table while the turkey cooled and when they were finished Dean got out a knife and turned to Castiel a wicked grin on his face. "Seeing as I'm the man of the house, I'll do the carving." he said.

"And what does that make me?" asked Castiel.

"You are a wee maiden." Dean said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Oh, really?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, that's why you cook."

"Oh, you are so going to pay for that." Castiel said, frowning.

"I am, aren't I?" said Dean cracking a smile. Castiel said nothing, ignoring him in favor of plucking a nonexistent piece of lint from his sleeve.

"C'mon," Dean said, poking him in the side. "I was only joking; you can carve the turkey if you want to."

"No, that's alright. Clearly the big strong man should carve the turkey." replied Castiel, miffed.

"Aw, don't be like that." Dean said.

"Like what?" asked Castiel.

"I'll make it up to you. "I will do all of the dishes from dinner."

"Hmm," Castiel thought for a moment, tapping his chin with his forefinger. "Alright, but you also have to admit that I am a man."

"You are the manliest man I have ever known and I mean that from the bottom of my heart." Dean said.

"That's more like it, now get to work, that turkey isn't going to carve itself." Castiel said smiling.

Dean turned back to the turkey, a smile on his face. When he was finished he brought a platter piled high with turkey to the table and set it down. Castiel and Dean both sat down and Castiel seemed to hesitate for a moment before he spoke. "Would you like to say grace?" he asked.

"Um, yeah sure." Dean replied a little uncertainly. He paused for a moment. "I uh, I've never done this before."

"Here, I'll start. Give me your hands." Castiel said, holding out his hands which Dean took. "Bless us our Lord and these thy gifts, for which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen. Is there anything you'd like to add, anything you're thankful for?"

"I'm thankful for a certain priest who thought I was more than just a son of a bitch and thought I was worth getting to know. I'm thankful that I found this place and for the people I've met here and the friend I've made. Amen."

"Thank you, Dean." said Castiel giving Dean's hand a small squeeze before letting go. "That was lovely."

"Alright, enough of that touchy feely crap." Dean said, gruffly. "Let's eat."

And eat they did. They piled their plates high and steadily worked their way through all of the food, talking and laughing while they did. They ate until they were full to bursting and Dean actually had to undo the top button of his jeans to make room. After they'd eaten and Dean had professed his undying love for Castiel's cooking for the third time that day, Castiel brought out the pie and Dean's eyes lit up. All thoughts of being too full to even move left him as he eyed the pie greedily. Castiel cut them both a piece and the moment Dean took his first bite he looked as if he'd died and gone to heaven. Castiel felt a mixture of amusement and flattery as he watched Dean eat, making thoroughly undignified and downright inappropriate sounds while he did. He claimed that it was the single most delicious pie he had ever eaten and he had eaten a great deal of pie in his life.

True to his word, Dean did the dishes, but halfway through Castiel took mercy and stepped in to help him. They stood side by side at the sink, shoulders touching, while they washed and dried. They didn't say anything, they didn't need to. There is a certain sacredness in silence, the ability to say everything and anything, while saying nothing at all.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Sorry this is a day late, I was away from my computer all day yesterday and couldn't update. Anyways, here's Chapter 9. Hope you guys are having a good week.  
Thanks for reading. Enjoy.  
I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, we are happy when we are growing."

-William Butler Yeats

* * *

Castiel had never lived with anyone else before. From the day he left home, he'd always lived on his own. He was surprise, however, to find how easy he found living with Dean. They would get up together and Dean would make them breakfast before Castiel left for the church. Dean attended service every day and afterwards he and Castiel would walk home together. They would while away their afternoons curled up on the sofa watching old movies, or they would walk in the park. Sometimes Dean would tempt Castiel into going with him to the Roadhouse. These nights always ended in both of them stumbling into the house, clinging to one another for support and laughing hysterically at nothing in particular. They spent one memorable evening playing poker. Castiel had never played before and Dean took extreme joy in teaching Castiel the ins and the outs of the game. They played for chores and after several hours Dean took pity on him and let him win a few rounds to lessen the work load he had acquired.

They lived well together, they enjoyed each other's company immensely and it was strange for the both of them, each being so in synch with the other. They were like the odd couple. They told no one of the change in their living arrangements. Castiel considered telling Gabriel, but decided against it, realizing that no matter how good a friend Gabriel was, he was completely incapable of keeping a secret of this magnitude. And a secret it was. They knew just how the town would react if they found out. They were already getting enough attention for the amount of time they seemed to spend together and they were content to receive no more. They learned from one another, Dean taught Castiel how to change a spark plug and how to shoot pool and Castiel taught Dean how to bake bread and grow his own vegetables.

Castiel still worried about Dean, though. He carried with him a secret fear that he wouldn't be able to help him. That no matter what he did, one day Dean would vanish and he would never see him again. As time passed, this fear lessened, but it never completely disappeared. Castiel would still lay awake at night, thinking of something, anything he could do to get Dean out. The more he thought about it, the more he came to realize that there was nothing he could do, he just had to hope that Dean wouldn't go back, that maybe they would just leave him alone. It was a forlorn hope, a fool's hope and Castiel knew deep down, in his heart that whatever reprieve, whatever shred of happiness they'd attained, wouldn't last forever. He also knew that he didn't care and that he'd hold onto it with all he had for as long as he could.

As November slipped into December and the weather grew colder, there were times late at night, when they had light a fire to keep the chill at bay and they felt like they'd always been here. Like all of their lives had been lived in long winter nights, curled up by the fire. They lived lifetimes in those moments and when the fire burned down and it was finally time to go to bed, they'd feel as if they'd lost something so precious and that it would never come again and if it did it would never be the same. But that was ok, because in the end, our memories are all we have, often twisted and distorted, but held so dearly within our hearts and Castiel knew that no matter what the future brought, he never in all the long years of his life, would forget Dean Winchester.

It was about a week until Christmas and Castiel still hadn't asked Dean if wanted to celebrate. He thought he would, but he also thought it might make him think of his family, so far away and that maybe, he wouldn't want to. He knew he'd just have to ask. It's not like it was a momentous event, they'd been living under the same roof for almost a month now and they were each well aware of how the other worked. They knew exactly what to say and when to say it. It was a little strange for the both of them how easily this rapport presented itself, but they were equally glad to have it. It was early afternoon and Dean was just coming back from the store. He walked into the kitchen from the garage, where Dean insisted they keep both cars, and called a greeting to Castiel where he sat in his armchair reading. He shrugged out of his jacket, kicked off his boots and walked into the living room to collapse onto the sofa in an ungainly heap of limbs.

Castiel seeing an opening put down his book and spoke. "Dean, I was thinking, that maybe we could, you know, do Christmas this year."

"You mean like trees and presents and stuff?" asked Dean, surprised.

"Yeah, I thought it might be nice, but only if you want to. I'd understand if you didn't"

"Yeah, I do want to." Dean said quickly. "I was gonna say something, but I didn't know if you'd be into the whole Christmas thing."

"Well, I've never really celebrated before." Castiel admitted. "I mean, it's only ever been me here, so there was never really a reason to."

"Yeah, I know the feeling." Dean said gently.

Castiel looked at him and they shared a smile before Dean continued on in a gruffer tone. "So, if we're gonna do this thing, we're gonna need a tree."

"Of course." agreed Castiel. "Where do you suggest we find one?"

"Well, I passed a place out on route 8 that's selling them. There'll probably be pretty slim pickings seeing as it's so close to Christmas, but I'm sure we'll be able to find one."

"That sounds wonderful. When do you think we should go?" asked Castiel.

"Hey, no time like the present." Dean said happily.

"Ok, let's go." Castiel said. "I suggest we take my car, I would hate to have a tree strapped to the Impala."

Dean didn't respond, but as he stood he looked at Castiel with such fondness. He smiled as he pulled his coat on, glad that Castiel couldn't see him. They were out of the house within minutes, bundled up against the cold and piled into the Chevelle. It was a short drive out to the roped off field on route 8 that was filled with pine trees of all shapes and sizes. Dean and Castiel got out and began inspecting the selection of trees nearest them. They wandered through the rows of trees together, occasionally pointing out a potential tree, only to agree a second later that it wasn't the one. They'd been at it a half an hour and were both becoming fairly certain of two things. One that all of the good trees must have been sold and two that they may never feel their fingers again. They were about to call it quits and try a different place when Castiel caught sight of something from the corner of his eyes. It was a tree, almost completely obscured by another scraggily looking tree. He nudged Dean and pointed to the tree, it was on the small side, but perfect in every way. Castiel knew the second they got over there that it was their tree, not from looking at the tree itself, but seeing the look of pure excitement on Dean's face told him everything he needed to know.

"Is this our tree?" asked Castiel, although he already knew the answer.

"Damn straight this is our tree." Dean replied enthusiastically.

They sought out the owner and paid for the tree. They received a few very curious looks as they strapped the tree to the hood of the Chevelle, which they ignored completely. Once the tree was secure they decided that they should probably get some decorations for it. They had more fun than was necessary picking out all of the ornaments. Instead of the traditional matching sets of ornaments, they opted for an eclectic assortment of random and humorous ornaments. Dean kept coming over with mostly beer themed ornaments; Castiel just laughed and put them in the cart. After an hour of mostly just goofing off, they picked up a set of white Christmas lights and set out hunting for a tree topper. They finally settled on an angel, even though Dean thought it was girly. They paid, not caring how odd they must look and hurried home, both equally excited to decorate their tree.

Once they were home and had successfully wrestled the tree through the door and positioned it in the corner of the living room, they gleefully delved into their bag of ornaments. The tree was too small for the amount of ornaments they had and the effect was comical. They piled everything onto the tree, laughing at how downright ridiculous it looked. When their bags were empty and the tree was covered head to foot, Dean carefully affixed the angel to the top. After it had been lit, they stood back to admire their work. It wasn't the prettiest thing, but it was theirs, and that made it the best damn tree either of them had ever seen. Dean lit a fire while Castiel made them hot chocolate and they spent the rest of the evening warming themselves by the fire, talking and sipping hot cocoa.

The next morning dawned bright and cold and Castiel flinched when his bare feet touched the freezing floor. He dressed quickly and entered the kitchen to see that Dean was already up and busy making breakfast. Once they'd eaten, they said their goodbyes and Castiel set out for the church. He'd only been in his office for a few minutes and was just starting to warm up, when Gabriel entered. He sat across from Castiel looking serious. "Hello, Castiel." he said.

"Good morning, Gabriel."

"There is something that I need to talk to you about."

"Alright." said Castiel, beginning to feel nervous, Gabriel never looked so serious. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me."

"Of course." agreed Castiel, stomach clenching nervously.

"Are you and that Dean Winchester living together?"

"I well, yes I suppose we are."

"For how long?"

"About a month."

Gabriel sighed heavily. "People have been talking, Castiel."

"It's not like that." Castiel said defensively. "The motel closed down, he was living in his car. Our vows are to help our fellow man, not let them freeze to death."

"I know that, and for what it's worth, I think it's wonderful that you have someone that you care about." Gabriel said.

"But?" prompted Castiel.

"But, like I said people have been talking and I'm afraid that if it gets around too much, it may end badly."

"And what exactly have people been saying?" asked Castiel, angrily.

"You know what." replied Gabriel.

"People always talk; they have nothing better to do. Just because he's my friend doesn't mean there's something going on."

"There isn't anything going on, is there?" asked Gabriel.

"Of course, there isn't, I would never."

"I know that, Castiel, but if the Monsignor ever heard these rumors, well, he's very old fashioned and I'm just looking out for you." Gabriel told him.

"Thank you for telling me this." Castiel said.

"You're welcome." Gabriel said, "I'll talk to you later. Goodbye, Castiel."

Castiel sat for a long time after Gabriel had left. He wondered what could possibly have made people jump to such a conclusion. He thought of the way he and Dean acted when they were out in public, it was no different than how they acted at home. The more Castiel thought it over, the more he came to realize just how people had got the wrong impression about them. They were familiar with each other in public, often times too familiar. Castiel wondered how that had come about, the lingering touches, the way they always seemed to be occupying each other's space. He hadn't meant for it to happen, it just had, he couldn't help it when he was around Dean. He knew they would have to be more careful from now on, just as he knew what Gabriel had meant when he said that the Monsignor was old fashioned. At the first hint of anything amiss, Castiel would find himself out on his heels in an instant. He was thoroughly distracted throughout the service and was glad when it was over.

They were quiet on the walk home and Castiel didn't say much for the rest of the day. During dinner Dean had finally had enough. "Alright, what gives, man?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" asked Castiel.

"You've been so quiet all day. What happened, are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm fine; it's just something Gabriel said earlier."

"What did he say?"

"People have been talking, Dean, about us." Castiel said.

"So, when has that ever bothered you before?"

"You don't understand"

"Well then tell me." said Dean sounding frustrated.

"They know about our living arrangement, they've been making assumptions."

"You mean…"

"Yes."

"Well, what does that matter?" asked Dean. "Let them think what they want."

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"The Monsignor would not approve of such rumors." Castiel said.

"It'll be alright, Cas. It won't get around to him, I promise. Everything's gonna be ok."

"Thank you, Dean."

The tension seemed to run out of him at hearing Dean's words. He realized that Dean was right and that there was no need for him to get so overwrought about it. There was nothing they could do to stop people talking about them; they would just have to watch themselves more closely in the future. He relaxed visibly and smiled with relief. Dean grinned back and looked away shyly before he spoke. "I was gonna ask you something tonight, but now I'm not sure it's such a good idea."

"What were you going to ask me?"

"Well, there's a tree lighting ceremony down at Hobbs Park tomorrow. I mean I heard about it when I was out earlier. I thought it might be nice, since we're doing the whole Christmas thing, but if it's too risky, or something, we don't have to."

"No, I think that sounds nice." Castiel said. "We shouldn't miss out on it because people like to talk too much."

"Cool." Dean said. "It should be pretty awesome."

"I look forward to it." Castiel replied with a smile.

As Castiel lay down to sleep that night, he found Dean's words less comforting than they had been in the light of day. He couldn't stop thinking that maybe it wasn't that people talked too much, that maybe they had really given them something to talk about. He had never thought of Dean that way, never thought of anyone that way before, but he knew that his feelings for Dean were much more confused and complicated than a friendship would warrant. He had tried not to dissect his feelings, instead just letting things happen, but that had obviously been the wrong course of action. He began to worry that the tree lighting ceremony may be a bad idea, but then he remembered how excited Dean had been. He knew he would just have to grin and bear it, he was glad that the Monsignor didn't abide by silly gossip and he hoped that he would hear none of these dangerous rumors. Castiel fell asleep that night filled with unease.

He slept badly that night and awoke feeling groggy the next morning. The morning passed in a daze and he hardly remembered what he'd spoken about in his sermon after the service was over. For the first time in his life, Castiel was glad to be out of the church. Its once comforting walls now seemed to be oppressive and the inquisitive and knowing looks he received from the congregation only exacerbated his disquiet. Once he was outside and walking home beside Dean, listening to him ramble on about nothing in particular, he felt his anxiety once again diminish. There was something about Dean's presence that Castiel found extremely comforting. Dean's husky voice exuded a calm confidence that was soothing to Castiel. They got home and Dean made them some hot chocolate and sitting on the sofa with Dean, sipping his hot chocolate, with the TV a vague distraction in the background, Castiel felt himself relax. He sighed happily and felt completely content and at peace for the first time since he'd spoken with Gabriel.

They whiled away the afternoon until the sun began to set and Dean said they'd better get going. They walked to the park, bundled up against the bitter December chill. There were already several groups of people wandering around the park, waiting for the main event. Dean and Castiel decided to take a walk down one of the paths to keep their blood circulating, but also to avoid the looks they received. Castiel wondered if they'd always been looked at like that when they went out, he hadn't started noticing just how bad it was until Gabriel had brought it up. Now he was alarmed that he hadn't seen it before. He supposed he was always a little distracted when they were out together. He forced his mind from slipping down that road. He would not think of those things right now, he was here to enjoy himself with Dean and there was nothing wrong with that. He looked over to see that he was under Dean's scrutiny and he smiled reassuringly, hoping none of his concerns showed on his face. He was relieved to see Dean smile back at him happily. "I've never been to one of these before." he said.

"Neither have I."

"I never thanked you, you know." Dean said after a moment.

"For what?" asked Castiel confused.

"You know, doing Christmas and stuff. I know you don't usually and that its' probably more for my benefit and I just want you to know that I appreciate it. I haven't had an actual Christmas in so long, it'll be nice."

"It's no trouble, Dean. I should be thanking you, without you there would be no reason to even have an actual Christmas." Castiel said.

"Yeah, well, same here." Dean said.

"What do you usually do for Christmas?" asked Castiel after a moment.

"Honestly, I usually get really drunk and pass out before I do something stupid, like call Sam."

"I'm sorry." Castiel said wishing he hadn't brought it up.

"Don't be, it's not your fault."

"I know I just wish there was something I could do."

"You have done something, just by being here, by letting me into your home, your life; you've done so much, Cas. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you."

"You don't owe me anything, Dean. I'm doing this because I want to, because it makes me happy and I hope it makes you happy too."

"It does, it really does."

They'd come to the end of the path and saw that the group of people had grown exponentially. They were able to lose themselves in the thronging mass of people, where they went completely unnoticed. They found their place and looked to the center of the park. There was a massive pine growing there, it had to be over 70 feet tall. They waited expectantly and were rewarded within minutes. The first lights were switched on and more followed. The whole park was being alighted, not just the tree in the center. Every tree twinkled with white light and the towering pine before them seemed to glow with ethereal light. Castiel felt a childlike joy spread through him and he grinned feeling warm even in the cold night air. He looked to Dean and saw a matching look of wonder on his face. He knew now why in some places they called them fairy lights, the whole park looked like it had fallen straight out of a fairytale.

They walked through the park once more, this time not speaking, but looking around them in awe at the seemingly endless amount of sparkling lights. It was along while before they decided to go home, for fear they would permanently lose the use of their extremities if they stayed out in the cold any longer. They reluctantly left the park and started on the walk home. They were quiet for a while before Castiel spoke. "Thank you for this, Dean. It was a wonderful idea."

"Thanks for coming with me, Cas. It wouldn't have been the same without you." Dean replied smiling at him.

"Are there any other things you'd like to do this Christmas season?" asked Castiel.

"I don't know what do people usually do at Christmas?"

"Well, we could sing carols and watch The Grinch." suggested Castiel with a wry grin.

"That doesn't sound too bad." Dean said. "I know how much you love my singing."

"Yes, your dulcet tones are like the sweetest song of a lark."

"Oh, do I detect a hint of sarcasm, there?" asked Dean offended.

"Of course not, priests are incapable of sarcasm." Castiel said trying to hide his grin.

"Yeah, I bet they are."

Dean lit a fire the moment they got home and he turned the TV on while Castiel went to make himself a cup of tea. He heard Dean laugh from the living room a few minutes later and when he walked into the room he saw what Dean had put on and laughed as well. Dean was cuddled up on the sofa watching The Grinch; he turned and grinned at Castiel when he entered the room. "Look what's on!" he said giddily.

"What a coincidence." said Castiel as he sat down next to Dean on the sofa.

"That aint a coincidence that is fate." replied Dean.

"You're telling me you believe in fate?"

"Yeah, why not?" Dean said with a shrug. "Maybe it was fate that had me stumbling into your confessional that night."

"Maybe it was." agreed Castiel, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

They finished The Grinch, enjoying the cartoon way more than two grown men should. They got up, stretching their tired limbs while the fire smoldered in the grate. They made their way up the stairs, said their goodnights and parted ways on the landing. Castiel was struck by a thought while he was changing for bed. Since they had decided to celebrate Christmas together, he realized that he should probably get Dean a gift of some sort. As he lay down to sleep, he wondered what a man like Dean could possibly want. He decided to take his much improved car out tomorrow and go shopping for Dean. He'd have to make up an excuse for leaving the house as not to let Dean know what he was up to. Castiel sighed contentedly as he let his mind wander back to the park, back to the wondrous sight of thousands of tiny lights, strung up everywhere. He was glad Dean had suggested it, even if people saw them and talked, it was well worth it.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **So here it is, at long last the M rating is in effect. It's been a long time coming my friends, and I hope I did the build up justice. So, without further ado. Here ya go, hope you enjoy.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

-Emily Bronte

* * *

After the service the following morning Castiel told Dean that he needed to go to the store and pick up a few things for their Christmas dinner. Dean offered to go with him, but Castiel told him that the store would be crowded seeing as it was the day before Christmas Eve and that they didn't really need anyone seeing them shopping together. Dean agreed with him easily enough and a few moments later Castiel was in his car and pulling out of the garage. He knew he only had a limited window of time to get the grocery shopping done and find Dean a gift before Dean would start to wonder what was taking him so long. He pulled into the grocery store parking lot and got out. Once he was through the door he was moving at top speed trying to remember everything he was supposed to get and cursing himself for not making a shopping list. He was glad that no one approached him to talk today. It seemed that everyone was in as much a hurry as he was. It was about a half an hour before he finished and made it out of the store, arms laden with plastic bags.

His next stop was at a small shop downtown. He'd thought of the perfect gift for Dean while he'd been preparing for his sermon this morning. Castiel drove a bit too fast on his way home from the store, the gift for Dean tucked away in a small box in his pocket. He really wasn't sure if Dean would even like it, but he thought it would be nice anyway. He arrived home to find Dean exactly where he'd left him on the sofa and sighed inwardly with relief when he didn't mention how long it had taken. Castiel got all of the groceries put away and settled down in his armchair with a book. He was content to spend the rest of the afternoon lounging around the house with Dean. It was several minutes after he'd sat down that Dean spoke. "So, what are we doing tomorrow, for Christmas Eve." he asked.

"Well, what does one usually do on Christmas Eve?" asked Castiel, who did not have much experience in that field.

"Well, I don't know about most people, but when I was younger we used to get new pajamas to wear for Christmas." said Dean.

"Pajamas?" asked Castiel.

"Yeah, it was a tradition. We were allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve and it was always a new pair of pajamas. I guess my Mom started the tradition after she got sick of me and Sam looking like who did it and ran for all of our Christmas pictures."

"I think that we should keep this time honored tradition alive." said Castiel.

"You're kidding me? I was only joking." replied Dean looking incredulous.

"Why, you don't want to relive your childhood by getting a new pair of pjs?" asked Castiel smiling.

"Doesn't that seem a bit lame?" asked Dean.

"Possibly, but I'm still getting you new pajamas."

"Ok, well, I'm getting you new pajamas too." Dean replied with a mischievous smirk.

"From that look I'm assuming they're going to be the most horrendous thing you can find."

"Horrendous doesn't even begin to cover it and since you insisted on doing it, you have to were em'"

"Alright," replied Castiel. "Just keep in mind; you have to wear what I get you."

"Fine." replied Dean looking less sure of himself than he had a moment ago.

"So it's settled, we spend Christmas Eve in ridiculous pajamas watching movies and eating cookies."

"That sounds awesome, especially the cookies part." said Dean.

"Good, I'm glad to hear it." replied Castiel.

The rest of their afternoon was spent amiably enough. They ended up getting bored with TV and playing Monopoly instead. Several hours later they packed the game up, wondering if it were actually possible to finish a game of Monopoly. Dean insisted that there was no way to win, you just keep playing and playing for eternity. Castiel laughed, saying that one day, they would finish a game and Dean just shook his head looking at him in disbelief. Castiel made them dinner and as they were eating, Dean nudged him and pointed out the window, looking delighted. It was snowing, large flakes drifting lazily past the kitchen window. They cleaned up after dinner and Dean promised that if there was enough snow tomorrow, they were having a snow ball fight.

It snowed steadily throughout the night and the following morning there was a foot of snow on the ground. Dean looked delighted and insisted they both shovel the driveway so they would be finished quicker. Castiel knew what he was planning and agreed, reluctantly, vowing to keep his guard up in case of an attack. They had been hard at work shoveling the wet, heavy snow and Castiel had just begun to relax, figuring that if Dean hadn't made his move yet, he probably wasn't going to. He was extraordinarily mistaken; Dean had merely been biding his time, waiting for Castiel's defenses to be lowered and when Castiel had a particularly heavy shovelful of snow he felt something collide with the small of his back. The dull thump of the impact was followed by Dean' gleeful peal of laughter. Castiel turned quickly and scooped up a handful of snow, grateful that it was wet and would stick together easily. He packed it together and lobbed it at Dean while he was still doubled over with laughter. It hit him square in the chest and he looked up in surprise while Castiel chuckled.

Dean dropped to his knee with a look of determination and started to rapidly make snowballs. Castiel realizing what he had started also began to assemble an arsenal of his own. In minutes they each had a small pile at their feet. They spent the next several minutes ducking and dodging snowballs and occasionally hitting one another. Castiel had never laughed so hard in his life, every time he hit Dean; he looked utterly scandalized, like each snowball had personally insulted him. When their ammunition had been exhausted and they were out of breath and covered in snow they went back to clearing the driveway.

By the time they had finished it was time for Castiel to get going to the church, as it was he was already going to be a little late. Dean saw him off in the driveway and turned to go back inside. Castiel made his way to the church, knowing that he still had a lot of work to do on his sermon. He worked steadily and it was soon time for the service. There was quite a large turn out because it was Christmas Eve and Castiel knew there would be even more people at the Christmas service. Just before the service begun Castiel realized that Christmas fell on a Tuesday and that if he wasn't called in to do anything, than he would have the whole day off. He wondered briefly how Dean would want to spend the day before he stepped up to the altar. He spotted Dean in the crowd and reminded himself to ask him later.

The service passed away quickly enough and a short time later Castiel and Dean were back in the driveway that had so recently seen a desperate battle of wills and snow. They kicked the snow off their shoes and got into the Impala. As he pulled out of the garage, Dean was adamantly insisting that he won the fight, but Castiel was certain that his aim had been far more accurate. This argument lasted until they pulled up to the only department store in Lawrence. They parted ways once inside the store and Castiel walked through the aisles, determined to find the most embarrassing pair of pajamas he could. As he searched he shuddered briefly at the thought of what Dean could possibly be picking out, but he knew he would just have to find something worse. He knew he had struck gold the moment he saw them. They were a pair of footie pajamas in a vibrant red with a pattern of grinning reindeer all over them and as if that weren't bad enough they were equipped with a hood with two large antlers protruding from the top. Castiel laughed out loud when he saw them, they were absolutely horrible and he knew they were perfect.

He met Dean at the front of the store and they checked out, both shielding their pjs from the other's view. They drove home, both trying to get a peek at what the other had bought, but with no luck. It was around noon when they got home and they decided to call it an early day and exchange their "gifts" earlier than they had planned. This was mostly due to the fact that both of them were itching to see the other in the ridiculous things they had picked out. They swapped their bags and each retreated into their rooms to try on their new pajamas.

Castiel stood by his bed, grabbed the bottom of the bag and dumped its contents onto the mattress. He laughed to himself and felt his cheeks redden as he stared down at the clothing on his bed. He held them up with a grimace. There was a long sleeved shirt and pants in a garish shade of pink there was a large picture of two polar bears kissing on the shirt and the pants were covered hundreds of tiny hearts, with mounting horror Castiel realized that they were meant for women. With much trepidation he put them on and had to chuckle at how absurd they looked. He was too tall for them so the bottoms ended above his ankles and the top sported a much too deep neckline for his taste. After he'd changed he hesitated for a moment before leaving his room and slowly making his way back to the living room. Dean wasn't out yet and Castiel waited nervously, just imagining how Dean would laugh when he caught sight of him.

It was another few minutes before Castiel heard the door to Dean's room open and then his soft footfalls on the stairs. A second later he appeared at the bottom of the stairs and Castiel couldn't help the guffaw that erupted out of him and Dean couldn't help it either apparently, for he was also cackling at the sight of the pink girly thing he was wearing. After several minutes when they could breathe again Dean spoke. "That is the funniest thing I've ever seen." he said still gasping.

"Yeah, well at least I don't have antlers." replied Castiel.

"Dude, you look like a girl."

"I should have known you'd do something like this." said Castiel grumpily.

"Aw, c'mon, don't be mad, you look adorable."

Castiel blushed and looked away. "I'm going to bake some cookies." he said looking for an excuse to get out of there.

"Yeah, and you keep saying you're not a girl." Dean said with a smirk.

Castiel stalked into the kitchen without a backward glance, not bothering to respond to what Dean had said. He had been in the kitchen for a few minutes and was busy mixing cookie batter when he heard footsteps behind him. He refused to look around and continued mixing the batter. He was rolling the dough out on the counter when he felt rather than heard something move behind him. He felt a warm hand on his back and a shudder ran through him.

"Hey, Cas." Dean said from behind him. "You still mad?"

Castiel's heart beat increased and he felt a rush of heat course him as Dean began rubbing circles into his back with his thumb. Castiel's mouth felt dry as he spoke. "No, Dean, I'm not mad."

"Good." replied Dean softly, not taking his hand off of Castiel's back. "Need any help?"

"No," replied Castiel a tremor evident in his voice. "I think I can manage."

"Okay," Dean said. "I'll be in the living room if you need me."

"Thank you."

Dean's hand lingered for another moment, then it was gone and Castiel heard Dean walking out of the room. He let out the breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding and went back to rolling the dough, his mind reeling. He finished making the cookies and put them in the oven, a thousand thoughts going through his head. He pushed them away, not willing to deal with them at the moment, or what they meant. He waited in the kitchen while the cookies baked, unwilling to be alone in the same room with Dean at the moment. When the oven timer sounded, Castiel jumped. He knew he'd have to face Dean eventually and he figured that now was probably the best time, so he piled a plate full of cookies and ventured into the living room.

Dean was sitting in his usual place on the sofa and Castiel noticed as he walked into the room, that he had lit a fire. He set the plate onto the coffee table and settled himself onto to the sofa, a little further away from Dean than he ordinarily would have. Dean seemed utterly unperturbed and reached for a cookie the moment the plate touched the table, munching happily on it as he watched what appeared to be Rudolf on TV. Castiel sighed with relief, glad that Dean had said nothing about what had happened between them, if anything had happened at all, Castiel still wasn't entirely sure about that.

They worked their way through the entire plate of cookies and by the time Elf was over Castiel had relaxed into the sofa and was sitting much more comfortably and closer to Dean. They decided it was time for lunch and they reluctantly dragged themselves off the sofa and into the kitchen. Castiel made them some sandwiches while Dean leaned against the counter offering to help and more in the way than anything else. When they'd sat down to eat Dean looked up from his sandwich and grinned at Castiel.

"What are you grinning at?" asked Castiel.

"Oh nothing," replied Dean. "It's just that tomorrow's Christmas."

"Are you excited about it?"

"Maybe I am."

"Well, so am I" Castiel said smiling.

"What are we gonna do tomorrow?"

"Well, I don't have a sermon to give, so that means I'll be here all day. We could have dinner, maybe go out if you'd like."

"Nah, we should stay in all day." Dean said.

"What is this? I thought you liked going out."

"Looks like you've turned me into a homebody, probably because it's been so long since I've had an actual home. I'm getting some time in while I still can."

"What do you mean, while you still can?" asked Castiel.

"Well, I mean, this can't last forever, you know. One of these days I'll get a call and that will be it." Dean said, sounding bitter.

"So, when you get this call, you'll just go?"

"I have no choice."

"Oh, don't give me that line again." said Castiel, frustrated. "You always have a choice."

"That's easy for you to say, but you don't have family. You don't know how hard it is not knowing if they'll be safe, if they'll end up dead because of me."

"How do you know that I don't have family?" asked Castiel, outraged.

"Do you?" asked Dean.

"Now you ask, funny it never seemed to occur to you before, did it?"

"You didn't answer my question." Dean said.

"Yes, I have family. I have a Mother, a Father, I had a sister."

"You had a sister?"

"She died." replied Castiel shortly.

"Jesus Cas, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"That's because you didn't care to know."

"That's not true. You really think I don't care?" asked Dean.

"Do you?" asked Castiel mirroring Dean' earlier question.

"Yes, I do." replied Dean fiercely. "I care Cas, a whole hell of a lot more than I should, but I do. I tried not to, it'll only make it harder, but I couldn't help it. I care so much; I think it'll kill me to leave."

"Then don't"

"Do you even know what you're asking me?" Dean asked.

"I'm asking you to stay."

Dean turned away an anguished look on his face. When he turned back he looked calm and unaffected. "It's not like it's gonna happen tomorrow, so can we just forget about it please?"

"I need to know, when that call comes will you stay?" asked Castiel.

"I don't know, alright, I don't know. What do you want me to say, huh? That I'll stay forever and ever and everything will be rainbows and butterflies. Well, I can't tell you that because that's not life. Life is shit and that's all it's ever gonna be."

Dean stormed out of the kitchen and disappeared up the stairs. He emerged a few minutes later, fully dressed and headed for the door. "I need a drink." was all he said before he slammed the door behind him.

Castiel cleaned up after lunch and went back into the living room. He shut the TV off and settled into his armchair with a book, trying to distract himself. He tried to focus on the words before him, but he couldn't stop replaying what Dean had said over and over in his mind. He gave up trying to read a half an hour later and just sat by the window, waiting for Dean to come home. He waited for hours, the sun set and the room grew unbearably cold around him, the fire had gone out hours before and Dean still wasn't back. So Castiel kept waiting, he considered getting up to make himself some dinner, but knew it was pointless, he had no appetite, the anxiety he felt was twisting his stomach into unpleasant shapes. At ten he started to feel real fear. He became certain that Dean had left, gone for good and he would never see him again. When the clock struck midnight, something in him seemed to crumble. Any hope he'd been clinging to of Dean coming back, vanished. He dragged himself up the stairs and collapsed into bed. "Merry Christmas." he whispered to the empty room.

Castiel awoke earlier than he usually would on a Tuesday. He dressed quickly, feeling a pang of misery as he stepped out of his pink pajamas. He hurried out onto the landing and peered into Dean's room. The door was open and Castiel could see that it was empty, the bed had not been slept in and lying in a heap on the floor was a pair of fluffy reindeer pajamas. Castiel turned from the room feeling the dead weight of disappointment settle over him. He walked down the stairs and wandered into the living room. He dropped into his armchair, no longer waiting for Dean, but not knowing what else to do. He sat in silence and the cheerfully decorated tree seemed to mock him from across the room. He should have known it would end like this that something so good could never last, but he had hoped.

He'd been sitting, lost in thought for over an hour when there was a knock at the door. Castiel leapt to his feet and was wrenching the door open a second later. The crushing disappointment came flooding back when he realized that it was Gabriel at the door. He should have known Dean never would have knocked. "Hello, Gabriel." he said dispassionately.

"Merry Christmas, Castiel." Gabriel said cheerfully.

"Merry Christmas." replied Castiel. "Would you like to come in?"

"I wish I could, but I'm in a bit of a hurry." Gabriel said. "I just wanted to stop by and give you this."

Gabriel held out a bottle of wine which Castiel had not been aware he was holding. He took it from him, trying to work his features into something resembling a smile. "Thank you." he said. "This is very kind of you, you didn't have to."

"It's no trouble. I thought you two might enjoy it."

"Yes," replied Castiel, the words tasting bitter on his tongue. "I'm sure that we will."

"Well, I'd better be off. I'll see you later, Castiel. Wish Dean a Merry Christmas for me, will you?"

"I will, goodbye, Gabriel."

Castiel closed the door and walked into the kitchen. He set the bottle down on the counter and sat down at the table with his head in his hands. He didn't know how long he sat like that before he heard another knock at the door. He got up, thinking Gabriel had come back. He opened the door and saw Dean standing there looking tired.

"Dean." said Castiel surprised.

"Hey, Cas." said Dean.

"I thought you'd gone."

"Nah, I'm still kicking around."

"Do you want to come in?" asked Castiel.

"Only if you want me to." replied Dean.

"Of course I want you to." said Castiel stepping back and letting Dean enter.

"Thanks." said Dean turning to face him. "Listen Cas, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I was out of line and I shouldn't have said what I did."

"Don't be sorry, Dean. You told me the truth and that's all I ever want, even if it's not something I want to hear."

"Okay." said Dean. "Hey, Cas."

"Yes, Dean?"

"Merry Christmas."

Castiel smiled, "Merry Christmas." he replied.

"So, uh…" Dean began. "What do you want to do?"

"I suppose I should start cooking, I was going to start earlier, but…"

"Screw that, man." said Dean cutting him off. "It's Christmas, you shouldn't have to cook. Let's just order some Chinese and watch some TV."

"Alright." replied Castiel.

Dean ordered them an obscene amount of food and when they sat down to eat he noticed the bottle of wine on the counter.

"Gabriel dropped it off earlier." said Castiel following Dean' eyes to the counter. "He says Merry Christmas, by the way."

"Really? That was nice of him."

They finished eating and Dean asked Castiel if he wanted a drink. Castiel hesitated for a moment, but agreed after Dean reminded him that it was Christmas and they should be celebrating. Dean lit a fire and they sat on the sofa together, drinking their wine. The TV was off and the room was silent, but for the crackling of the flames. They drank and made idle conversation for a while. They were halfway through the bottle of wine when Dean leaned toward Castiel and spoke.

"Hey Cas, can I ask you something? And you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"What is it?" asked Castiel.

"What happened to your sister?"

It took Castiel a moment to gather his thoughts; this is not what he had been expecting. "She was murdered." he said quietly.

"Jesus man, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it was a long time ago." said Castiel. "Her name was Anna. She was younger than me, and I adored her. I never had a lot of friends growing up, she was all I had. Our parents weren't always there; they worked a lot, so it was always just her and me. It was the summer of 95' I was eighteen and had just graduated high school. She wanted to go to her friend's house, just down the street. Usually I would walk her there nearly every day, but on this particular day, I couldn't. I was late for work and I didn't have time to take her. She asked me if she could walk there by herself. I should have said no, but she begged me. I thought, what's the harm, she's a teenager and it's right down the street, she'll be fine. So, I let her go. I never saw her again."

Castiel paused for a moment, his eyes stinging from unshed tears. He felt a hand settle comfortingly over his own and he looked up to see Dean staring at him, concern written all over his face. Castiel sighed heavily before continuing. "She was officially missing for a week before they found her body. She was in a ditch a few blocks from our house; she had been raped and stabbed four times. They never found the person who did it. The worst thing about it wasn't how my parents never forgave me, how they hated me, it how I imagined her, terrified and in pain calling my name, screaming for help and how I wasn't there. I should have been there."

Castiel let his tears fall freely now and he held Dean's hand tightly in his own. "After that I left home, I couldn't bear the way my parents looked at me. I knew they wished it had been me and to be honest, so did I. I had nowhere to go; I was living on the streets. It was the middle of winter and I had broken into the church to sleep and when I woke up, there a man kneeling beside me. I think he thought that I had died. He asked me why I was there and so I told him. Then he said to me that there weren't many options for people in my situation. He said that many either turned to crime or to the church. That was the day I decided to become a priest. All these years I've tried to help people, to do the right thing so that maybe one day I'll be forgiven."

"It wasn't your fault, Cas." Dean said gripping his hand tighter. "You have to believe that."

Castiel just smiled sadly. "I think over the years I've come to terms with what happened, but that will never change the guilt I feel. I want you to know that I understand why you have to go. You're protecting your family; you're doing what I couldn't."

"I'm not going anywhere." Dean said firmly.

"What?" asked Castiel, wondering if the wine was fogging his brain.

"I said I'm not leaving. I don't give a damn what happens, or what they say. I promise you, I'm staying, for as long as you want me."

Castiel looked into Dean's eyes and saw nothing but truth there. "I'll always want you." he said sincerely.

Dean reached out and gently laid his hand on Castiel's face, stroking his cheek gently. Castiel felt something tighten in his chest and his breathing quickened. Dean was so close he could count every freckle that dotted his face.

"Do you mean that?" asked Dean so quietly that Castiel could hardly hear him.

"Yes." murmured Castiel.

Dean leaned closer, their breaths mingling and a moment later his lips were pressed gently to his own. Castiel felt a moment of confusion and panic as Dean kissed him. He didn't know if it was the wine, or the tumultuous emotions coursing through him, but he reached up and laid a hand on Dean' chest. Dean deepened the kiss, tangling his hand in Castiel's hair. Castiel clutched at the fabric of Dean' shirt and pulled him closer, parting his lips and letting Dean' tongue explore his mouth. Dean pulled back a moment later.

"I'm sorry." he said. "I shouldn't have."

"It's alright, I want this, I want you."

Dean stood and held out his hand for Castiel, who took it. He led him up the stairs and into Castiel's bedroom. He pulled him close kissing him again. Castiel knew he should stop it, knew that it was wrong, but he didn't care. And when Dean began taking his clothes off, he let him. He felt a slight pang of doubt when Dean pulled off his collar and tossed it aside, but it was soon replaced with desire when Dean started unbuttoning his shirt. Castiel reached for Dean's shirt, wanting nothing more than to feel his skin under his palms. Dean removed Castiel's shirt, then lifted his arms as Castiel pulled his shirt off and tossed across the room.

Castiel ran his hands along the newly exposed skin of Dean's chest. Dean pulled him close, kissing him again, their bare chests pressed together, Dean's hands sliding up his back. It was almost more than Castiel could bear, but he wanted more, needed more. Dean reached for the button on Castiel's pants and Castiel reached for Dean's belt. There was no going back now and that was fine with him. Their pants were discarded in a heap a moment later. Dean rested his hands on Castiel's hips and leaned in, not kissing him, but gently brushing Castiel's lips with his own. Dean's arms circled his waist, pulling them together, Castiel could feel the hot weight of Dean's erection against his hip.

He loved the feeling of Dean' arms wrapped around him so tightly, loved the feeling of their bodies, so close, with nothing in between them, just skin. Dean gently laid Castiel down on the bed, covering his body with his own. He kissed him, soft and slow as he slipped a hand between Castiel's legs, running a palm over the bulge straining at his boxers. Castiel groaned and thrust up into the touch. Dean's touch became firmer, he stroked him through the thin fabric until Castiel was painfully hard and gasping with every breath. Dean's hand slid up to the waistband of Castiel's boxers, he tugged them down Castiel's hips, a groan escaping him as his the cool air met his heated flesh. A moment later Castiel felt Dean move away, heard him walk across the room.

"Dean?"

Castiel heard the rustle of clothing before Dean was climbing back on the bed, mattress dipping under his weight. His hands slid up Castiel's thighs before he spoke. "I'm here. I was just getting something."

"What?"

"You'll see."

Castiel heard the sound of plastic tearing and a moment later he felt a hand slip between his legs, cool, lube-slicked fingers stroking his hole. Castiel gasped and canted his hips into the touch. Dean's finger circled his entrance before gently pushing in, Castiel groaned, gripping the sheets beneath him. Dean worked his finger inside for a moment, then added another. He kissed Castiel's inner thigh as he scissored his fingers, making Castiel writhe and moan. Dean added a third finger and sucked a bruise into Castiel's thigh as pumped them in and out. Dean's fingers brushed Castiel's prostate and he arched his back, crying out.

"Dean" Castiel moaned. "I need…"

"Shhhh." whispered Dean. "I've got you." Dean slipped his fingers out of Castiel and yanked off his boxers, groaning when his cock bobbed free, hard and leaking precome. Dean grabbed the half empty packet of lube that had been in his wallet for quite some time (just in case.) He slicked up his cock with the rest of the lube and moved back up the bed, trailing kisses up Castiel's stomach as he did. Their lips met, hot and wet and messy, Dean knelt between Castiel's legs, cock nudging at Castiel's entrance.

Castiel groaned. "Dean please," he gasped. "I want you, I need you, please."

It was all Dean needed to hear and he trailed his tongue down Castiel's neck as he gently pushed inside. Castiel's breath hitched as Dean bottomed out, he felt stretched and full and so good. Dean canted his hips and thrust into him gently. Dean buried his face in Castiel's neck. "Oh Cas, you feel so good."

"Dean, please."

"I know." Dean whispered into Castiel's heated skin. "I know." Dean began thrusting into Castiel, harder than before, cock slipping in and out of that tight heat. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, burying his fingers in his hair as Dean rocked into him. Castiel felt like his skin was on fire, like there was an electric current running through him and every time Dean thrust into him, every time his lips brushed his shoulder, he felt it tingle to his bones. Dean's breathe quickened and he shifted the angle of his hips, his cock now hitting Castiel's prostate with every thrust. Castiel's bucked upwards into Dean with a loud moan.

Castiel had never felt anything like it in his life, nothing compared to the feeling of Dean inside him, sweat-slicked skin sliding against his own. He never wanted it to end. Dean's pace quickened as he reached between them and wrapped his hand around Castiel's leaking cock. Castiel moaned, gripping Dean's shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise. Dean fucked into him hard, stroking his cock and it was almost too much for him to bear, he was so close, he could feel his orgasm building. Dean's hand moved faster and the rhythm of his hips became erratic. He brushed his lips against Castiel's ear.

"Come for me Cas." he whispered voice rough and hoarse. Dean's words sent a hot pulse of pleasure through him and with another thrust of Dean's hips he was coming, hard, all over their stomachs and Dean's fist. He moaned and felt Dean thrust twice more, slamming into him and filling him, hot and wet.

Dean collapsed on top of him, breathing hard. It was several more minutes before he had the energy to slip out of Castiel and roll over. He reached over the side of the bed and grabbed his t-shirt, which he used to clean them up before he tossed the soiled garment away. He pulled Castiel to him and covered them with blankets. Dean held him close and kissed him tenderly and Castiel, for the first time in so many years, felt whole. The empty spaces in his heart were filling up and he felt so alive.

Lying in Deans's arms, while they both drifted off, he knew that he had never felt true peace until now. And like all good things he knew it couldn't last.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Hey y'all, hope you liked them sexy times last week, cause it's about to get a bit angsty in here. I know, I suck. Anyways, here it is.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

- Arthur Miller

* * *

Castiel awoke the next morning with a splitting headache and little memory of the night before. He rolled over in bed and the bottom dropped out of his stomach. Dean lay next to him in bed, sleeping peacefully. Memories from last night came flooding back and Castiel felt sick. What had he done? He thought he must be dreaming because this just couldn't be happening, not to him. He wrenched himself out of the bed and began dressing himself as quickly as he could with whatever he could find. His movement had woken Dean, who now sat up in bed looking sleepy and confused.

"What are you doing?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Dean, I'm sorry, I can't, we shouldn't have." Castiel was babbling.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down. What's wrong?"

"Do you even know what we did?"

"Course I do, I wasn't that drunk." replied Dean.

"This is wrong, this is so wrong."

"Well, you didn't seem to think it was wrong last night." Dean said defensively.

"I had too much to drink, I wasn't aware of what I was doing." Castiel said, knowing that it was all lies. He had known exactly what he was doing and his only thought had been that he didn't want it to stop.

"So you're blaming the booze, huh?" Dean asked skeptically.

There was silence for a moment. "I thought you said you wanted me." Dean said and Castiel could hear the insecurity and uncertainty in his voice.

He looked away from him, not wanting to see the look on his face when he spoke. "I was wrong." he said the lie tasting bitter on his tongue.

"You were wrong?" asked Dean and Castiel hated himself for the sadness in his voice.

"Yes," he choked out. "I'm sorry, I need you to go."

"Go? What the hell does that mean? You were the one asking me to stay."

"I know, I know." Castiel said miserably. "I just can't, please just go."

"Yeah and where do you want me to go?"

"As far away as you can."

"I don't understand, I thought you… well, obviously I got it wrong."

Castiel heard him get out of bed, there was a rustle of clothing as he got dressed, but Castiel still didn't look at him.

"Cas, you gotta level with me here, please."

Castiel didn't turn, didn't say anything.

"Fucking look at me!" Dean shouted furiously. "Look me in the eye and tell me this isn't true."

Castiel turned at last and looked at Dean, his expression empty.

"Jesus Cas, how could you?"

"I'm sorry Dean, you have to believe me."

"I don't want to hear your goddamn apologies." Dean said wearily. "I'll get my stuff."

Dean left the room and when Castiel was sure he was in his own room, packing, he collapsed on the bed. He cradled his head in his hands, his body wracked with sobs. He got up and dried his eyes when he heard Dean making his way down the stairs. He stopped at his nightstand and pulled out a small box before following Dean downstairs. Dean was standing at the door, his back to Castiel, like he was waiting for Castiel to say that it was all a joke and that he hadn't meant any of it. Castiel took a step forward.

"Dean." he said.

Dean turned and looked at him with eyes devoid of any emotion. "I guess this is goodbye then."

"I guess it is." replied Castiel. "I want you to have this." he said holding out the box.

"Dean took it from him warily. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's your Christmas present. I didn't get a chance to give it to you yesterday, but I want you to have it."

Dean opened the box and lifted out of it a necklace. It was a pendent of a combination of a cross and an anchor. "What's this" he asked.

"The cross symbolizes faith and the anchor, hope."

Dean looked at the pendent for a moment before he tucked it into his pocket. "Thanks." he said. "I should probably get going."

"What will you do now?"

"I don't know." Dean said. "It was good, though. Wasn't it?"

"The best."

Dean turned back and opened the door. He stopped at the threshold, without looking back. "See you around, Cas." he said before walking out the door.

Castiel turned away from the door thinking that he'd probably just made the biggest mistake of his life. He wanted to run after Dean, to stop him, but he was a coward, so he let him go. And when the sound of the Impala's engine had died away, he walked back up the stairs to get ready for the morning's service, feeling empty and desolate.

Castiel spoke to no one when he entered the church; he walked straight to his office and stayed there until the service began. When it came time for him to leave, he dreaded walking out into that room full of people, knowing that the one person he really cared about wouldn't be there. With leaden steps he made his way to the sanctuary and prepared for the service. He did his best not to look at the crowd, well aware of the futility of the action. He spoke, keeping his eyes affixed to a point to the left of the pews. He had been speaking for about a half an hour when he involuntarily glanced up at the crowd. He stopped mid-sentence, word choked off by surprise. Dean was standing at the back of the sanctuary, exactly where he had stood months before. Why hadn't he left, why would he stay? Castiel's mind was reeling; it took him a full minute before he could gather his thoughts enough to continue speaking. He tried to empty his mind of all thought and managed not to look at Dean again.

He hoped that Dean would be gone when the service ended, but when Castiel walked over to the door, he saw him still standing there. Their eyes met for a moment and Dean looked at him with a weariness that broke Castiel's heart. He tore his gaze from the other man and stood as far from him as he could, not looking at him. He talked to people longer than he normally would, dreading the moment when he would be in the room alone with Dean. All too soon the last straggler left and Castiel stood stock still, waiting. Minutes passed and the silence in the room became unbearable.

"What are you doing here?" he said looking at the floor. Why didn't you leave?"

"I couldn't." Dean replied quietly.

"Why not?"

"Because I promised you I would stay."

"I can't do this Dean, I'm sorry. I need you to go." Castiel said.

"I can't, alright, I can't just go. I tried, this morning I started driving, I didn't even make it out of town." Dean was moving now, striding across the room to where Castiel stood. "You keep saying that you need me to go, but do you want me to?"

"I don't know."

"Then how could I leave?" He took a step forward and reached hand out to gently cup Castiel's cheek. "Look at me." he said softly.

Castiel lifted his eyes to look at Dean, whose gaze was full of a tender affection that made Castiel's heart ache in his chest. "Dean." he said leaning into the touch.

"Cas, what I've felt for you these past few months, I've never felt that for anyone before. I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, don't make me lose you too."

"This is wrong. I can't do this Dean, my vows…" Castiel said feeling guilt twist his stomach.

"Is it wrong because your vows tell you so, or because you think it is? asked Dean seriously.

"I don't know Dean, I feel like I don't know anything anymore, I just need some time to think things through." Castiel said.

"How much time?" asked Dean.

"A few days at least."

"Alright, you take the time you need and I'll be here if you need me."

"Where will you stay?" asked Castiel.

"I'll figure something out."

"You don't have to do this, you know."

"Yes, I do."

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel said as he turned to go. He was at the door when Dean spoke.

"I know that you don't need me, but I need you, Cas, more than I can say."

Castiel didn't turn, he just kept walking. He hated himself for the pain he knew he was causing Dean, but he couldn't stop. He just needed to get away, have a moment to himself to think. He'd never been so confused, the church had always made things so much clearer for him after his sister had died, but now things had never seemed so complicated. He arrived home, not entirely sure of what to do with himself. He slumped into his armchair wishing things were different, wising that Dean had never stumbled into his confessional that night. Could he really wish that? Dean had given him so much and Castiel knew that he couldn't deny what he felt any longer. He knew, even if he didn't want to admit it, that he cared for Dean tremendously, that he loved him.

He sighed in frustration, why did this have to happen? They were doing just fine, then Dean had to go and kiss him, if he hadn't none of this would be happening. But Dean had stopped, Castiel reminded himself, you were the one who kept it going, you said you wanted him. And he had wanted him, desperately. He could blame the wine all he wanted, but the desire had been there all along, he had just been ignoring it, telling himself that it wasn't there. Well, there's no ignoring it now, he thought. He got up and caught sight of the Christmas tree across the room. A feeling of longing gripped him and he walked to the tree and blindly began tearing the decorations off of it. A half an hour later the tree was bare and there was a mess in his living room. Looking at the tree now, desecrated and empty, made him feel worse.

He cleaned up the mess he had made and walked slowly to his bedroom. He collapsed in the bed, burying his face in the pillows that still held Deans' lingering scent. He inhaled deeply, fighting back tears. The worst thing was, the thing he felt guiltiest about, was that his vows hadn't even occurred to him the night before. He didn't think twice about what he was doing and even now his guilt was greatly surpassed by the yearning he felt for Dean, deep in his bones. How strange that he had spent so many years in contented solitude and now after only a few months of Deans' company he felt his absence like a persistent toothache. He closed his eyes, wanting to rid himself of these tiresome thoughts, but only managing to exacerbate them. For one brief moment, as he lay in bed, wretched and alone, he considered going out and finding Dean, wherever he was and taking him back home, where he belonged. He wanted nothing more than to just have things go back to the way they were before. But that wasn't true, because he wanted Dean in all of the ways he knew he shouldn't and now that he had gotten a glimpse of what that felt like, he didn't think he could ever go back.

He lay in bed for the rest of the day, alternately sleeping and staring listlessly at the wall. He slept badly that night, plagued by haunting nightmares that left him damp with sweat in the chilly room. He dragged himself from his bed the next morning feeling exhausted and drained. He was late getting to the church, which meant he had little time to work on his sermon. He knew while he wrote the words that they were no good. His sermons usually inspired hope in people, but this one sounded sad and tired, much like he felt. He didn't know what to expect when he walked out into the sanctuary before the start of the service and he scanned the room quickly before taking his place at the altar. He didn't know whether he was relived or disappointed to see Dean standing at the back of the room again, all he knew was that it was going to be just as distracting as it had been the day before.

After the service ended and everyone had left, he waited for Dean to approach him, but when he looked over to where he had been standing, he was gone. Castiel wondered where he could have gone and if he would be back. He knew he had no right to hope that he would, but he just didn't know. He walked home, wondering if the turmoil of emotions he felt would ever settle down. He spent the whole day watching TV, avoiding anything he had ever watched with Dean and not really paying attention.

It went on like this for several days. When he ate he tasted nothing, when he slept, it was briefly and unsatisfying. Dean still attended every service, though he made himself scarce as soon as they were over. Castiel realized that he Dean was waiting for him to make a move, to decide what it was that he wanted. It was easy for Castiel, he knew exactly what he wanted, he just knew that he couldn't have it. So he said and did nothing, hoping that if maybe he ignored it for long enough, the problem would go away. It was the morning of New Year's Eve, when Castiel was in his office working and Gabriel came in.

"Hello." Gabriel said as he took a seat opposite Castiel.

"Hello, Gabriel." Castiel replied.

"Do you have a minute; I'd like to talk to you."

"Of course, what's on your mind?" asked Castiel.

"Well, you actually." Gabriel admitted. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just that you seem upset about something, ever since Christmas. Did something happen?" asked Gabriel. "I know it's not my business, but I'm worried about you."

"It's nothing really, you don't have to worry." Castiel told him, trying to sound convincing.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know." Castiel said. "Maybe."

"Tell me what happened."

"Dean and I had a fight. He left." Castiel said matter-of-factly.

"Oh Castiel, I'm sorry. What did you fight about?"

"Something stupid, I don't know, maybe this is for the best."

"Don't say that." Gabriel said. "Ever since he got here, it's like you've become a new person. I've never seen you so happy, whatever happened you have to try and work it out. He's your friend."

"I don't know if I can." Castiel said uncertainly.

"If you care about him as much I think you do, then you have to at least try. When you've got something this good, happiness like this, you can't just let it go; you have to fight for it."

"Maybe you're right." Castiel said.

"Just think about it, okay"

"I will." Castiel said. "Thank you, Gabriel, you're a good friend."

"No problem, Good luck out there today. Oh, and don't forget you're up for confessionals tonight, right?" Gabriel said as he made his way to the door.

"Yes, I am, Goodbye Gabriel." Castiel said.

Castiel sat mulling over what Gabriel had said, he wanted to believe him, but he knew Gabriel would have been singing a different tune if he knew what was really going on. He pushed all thoughts of Dean and Gabriel out of his mind; it was almost time for the morning service. He expected it to be the same as it had been the last few days and his stomach clenched nervously. Seeing Dean every day only made his confusion and uncertainty worse. Every day he wondered if Dean would stay and talk to him and every day he wouldn't, Castiel wasn't sure if he wanted him to or not.

Like the days previous, Dean stood at the back of the room during the service and left promptly afterwards. After everyone had left, Castiel walked home. He spent the remainder of the day trying not to think about Dean and wondering what Gabriel would have said if he knew what had happened between them. He tried to keep busy, cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned and waiting for it to be time for him to return to the church for confession. He left his house at a little after six and was walking in as the last attendees of the evening service were leaving. He waved to Gabriel as he left and went to take his place in the confessional. He'd been sitting quietly for several minutes when he heard someone enter the church. The footsteps grew closer and a moment later the door to the confessional opened and someone stepped inside and took a seat.

A moment later a familiar voice filled the small confessional. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been two months since my last confession. These are my sins."

It was Dean, Castiel's heart sped up and his mouth felt dry. He waited anxiously for Dean to speak, fearful of what he might say. A moment later he spoke again.

"I've hurt someone I care about Father, I didn't mean to, but I did. He trusted me and I broke that trust. I did something I shouldn't have and I just wish I had the chance to tell him how sorry I am, to tell him that I would do anything to make it alright. I want to talk to him, tell him how much he means to me, but I'm afraid of what he might say. I just want him to be happy and if he's unhappy because of me, well then, I guess there's no reason for me to hang around anymore."

Castiel couldn't listen anymore, he felt as if he were being torn in two. The things he was saying, the sincerity in his voice were too much for Castiel to bear.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this." he said as he stood and blindly pushed the door to the confessional open. He made it halfway across the room before he felt a hand close over his wrist. He turned to see that Dean had grabbed hold of him and was looking at him pleadingly.

"Cas, don't go, please."

"I have to."

"Just talk to me for one goddamn minute, please." Dean was begging now.

"What is it Dean? Why didn't you just go? It would have been easier for both of us." Castiel said.

"What the hell do you mean, easier?" Dean asked, frustrated.

"There is no way that this can ever work between us. I just don't know why you would want to stay."

"So, you think the only reason I want to stay is because I think there's gonna be something between us?"

"Well, why else would you?" asked Castiel, confused.

"I don't want anything from you Cas, I stayed for you." Dean said.

"And what does that mean?"

"I love you, okay. That's what it means."

"You what?" Castiel asked, disbelievingly.

"You heard me." Dean said gruffly. He looked at Castiel, expression softening. "I love you so much; I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving. Even if you didn't want me, I had to stay."

"Dean, I don't know what to say." replied Castiel, at a loss for words.

"You don't have to say anything, I know you don't feel the same way and if you really want me gone, then I'll go."

"That's not true." Castiel said quietly.

"What?"

"Dean, the way I feel about you, I didn't think I could feel those things, for anyone. I love you."

"Cas." Dean said voice hoarse with emotion.

"You were wrong, you know." Castiel said.

"About what?"

"I do need you, so much."

Dean took a step closer to Castiel, hand reaching up to stroke Castiel's cheek. "What do you want Cas?"

Castiel hesitated for a second. "I want you to come home."

Dean smiled before leaning down to kiss Castiel, wrapping his arms securely around him. Castiel melted into the embrace and held onto Dean, kissing him fiercely. For one perfect moment Castiel forgot about everything. All of the fear, the guilt, it all washed away the moment Dean had taken him into his arms. It would come back, of course, as persistent as an ocean wave, but for this one moment Castiel was free, for this one moment he thought of nothing more than to love and be loved by the impossible man he clasped so tightly. And that was alright.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **Hey y'all, long time no see. Hope you're all having a good Easter, and if ya don't celebrate I hope you at least got the day off. So, I'm posting this from my aunts house, big family party and all that. If they only knew what I was doing over here, I shudder to think. Anyways, since it's an ultra-religious holiday I thought I'd give you adorableness and a double dose of porn. I'm so good to you, aren't I. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a mountain of cake with my name on it.

Anyway, hope you enjoy.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

Chapter 12

"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

* * *

Castiel was alarmed and little scared of how deeply he felt for Dean. It was an all-consuming love, all he thought about was Dean, and everything he wanted was somehow tied up with the other man. They loved fiercely and cared not for the rumors that were now even more persistent than they had been before. The second that Castiel had let Dean in, really let him in, was the moment everything else ceased to matter. Whether it was his sin and betrayal of his vows, or the past that had haunted him for most of his life, it was wiped clean by the love he felt. Everything became so simple and his happiness was exponential. The worries and fears he had had about Dean leaving were eradicated and he was secure in his certainty that it would always be like this for them. Dean often wondered about something more permanent, he felt that someone would surely find them out and he wanted to prevent it. He talked about leaving, finding someplace new, where no one would care about what they did, but Castiel refused to leave. So confident in his happiness, he felt that nothing could touch it, that nothing could ever take from him what he had never known he wanted.

They lived quite similarly to the way they had before, save for a few changes. Dean moved into Castiel's room that first night and they started leaving the house less and less, enjoying the freedom from watchful eyes and the ability to speak and act plainly. They made love and every time it felt like the first. The days slipped away from them, but they didn't worry themselves about the future, their future, they knew that it would come and when it did, they would face it together. It's remarkable, the naiveté of those in love.

Dean became a thoroughly different person, finally letting the last of his walls and masks fall away. He was gentle and tender and had lost the rough edge that Castiel had become accustomed to. On their one month anniversary, which Castiel wasn't even aware of, Dean came home with a dozen roses and a sappy grin on his face. Dean made them both dinner that night, saying that Castiel deserved a break. He managed not to burn anything and needless to say, they didn't make it to dessert. On Valentine's Day, they shared a candle-lit dinner that thankfully, Dean didn't prepare. Dean kept saying that it was a stupid, cheesy holiday, but the look on his face when he stepped into the kitchen and saw Castiel sitting at the table, waiting for him, well that said differently.

It was the beginning of March and Dean had just gotten back from the store, where he had heard certain whispered conversations that he really hadn't wanted to. He was sitting on the sofa, while Castiel was in the kitchen, cooking dinner.

"This is getting really out of hand, you know." he shouted in to Castiel.

Castiel appeared at the entrance to the living room. "Well, what are we supposed to do about it? We hardly leave the house as it is, do you want us to become shut ins?"

"We've talked about this; you know what we can do. You just refuse to see reason." Dean replied.

"Run away together, that's your big plan? That's not even an option." Castiel said impatiently.

"Of course it is, we can find a place, get the hell out of this town. I'm sick of people staring at me every time I go out, like I'm some pervert, or something."

"And where are we supposed to go? Where are we supposed to live? We can't just completely uproot our lives because people look at you funny. And what am I supposed to do just leave the church?"

"Well, I mean, do you want to stay? In the church I mean."

What are you talking about?" asked Castiel.

"It's just that, with your occupation…"

"You mean me being a priest?"

"Yeah, it just poses some problems for us, you know."

"So let me get this straight, you're not only suggesting we leave everything behind, but also that I leave the clergy, which until you came along, was the most important thing in my life? Do I have that right?" Castiel asked, angry now.

"Well, think about it Cas. How are we ever gonna have a life together if we're constantly hiding, trying not to be found out by someone? Because it's gonna happen, one of these days someone's gonna find out and I just don't want you to get hurt when it does."

"So, you're doing this for me, then?" asked Castiel skeptically.

"I'm doing it for us. I just want to be with you Cas."

Castiel walked into the living room and sat on the arm of the sofa, resting his hand on Deans' cheek. "Then be with me." he said softly.

"If we stay, it won't be easy." Dean said.

"When is anything ever easy with us?" Castiel asked.

"I don't know loving you is pretty easy." said Dean playfully.

"On the contrary, I find loving you to be quite tiresome." Castiel replied, trying to hide his smile.

"Oh really?" asked Dean in mock surprise.

"Yes, it is a tedious affair; I don't know how I do it."

"With infinite patience and grace." Dean said.

"Don't forget charm." Castiel said.

"How could I?" Dean replied.

"Oh, I don't know." said Castiel.

"Come here." Dean said with a laugh, pulling Castiel into his lap on the sofa. "You're crazy."

"Yeah, but you still love me."

"Course I do." Dean said pressing a kiss to Castiel's temple. "Hey,"

"Yeah?"

"You know when I first knew that I loved you?" Dean asked.

"When?"

"When you cried at the Lion King."

"Shut up, I did not cry." Castiel said.

"Yes you did, don't deny it."

"Fine, but it was sad."

"The second I looked over and saw you, I knew I was done for."

"Really? Do you know when I knew that I loved you, even if I still couldn't admit it to myself?" asked Castiel.

"When?"

"On our road trip, when you tricked me into breaking and entering."

"Really, why then?" asked Dean.

"Because, the look on your face when you were talking about those dogs was priceless," said Castiel laughing. "And it was so sweet."

"You were so pissed, you thought I was trying to corrupt you, or something, now you think it's sweet?" said Dean confused.

"You wanted me have an adventure, and I think that's sweet. Plus, it's not like you corrupting me matters now, I mean look at us. It doesn't get more corrupt than this."

"We're not corrupt, we're just unique." Dean said smiling.

"That's an interesting way of putting it."

"It's not wrong, you know." Dean said taking Castiel's hand and twining their fingers together.

"What isn't?" Castiel asked.

"Us."

"I think the church would say different."

"Well then, they're wrong, not us. We've got something that people wait their whole lives for, that people have died for. We have something beautiful and there is nothing wrong with that."

"You are something else, you know that?" Castiel said with a smile. "What would I do without you?"

"Oh, I don't know, you'd just be the boring, old town preacher, without me around."

"I am not boring." Castiel said affronted.

"You are so boring, but don't worry I fixed that."

"Oh did you now?" asked Castiel.

"Oh yeah, you are way cooler now." Dean said poking Castiel's side playfully.

"Well, thank the Lord for that." Castiel said. "You were right, you know, about us. "Thank you, Dean."

"You're welcome." Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist. "I love you."

"I love you, too." replied Castiel content in his embrace.

They sat like that for a long time, neither of them willing to move from the comfort of each other's arms. Eventually though, Castiel extricated himself from Dean, saying that he needed to get back to cooking. Dean pouted, asking why they couldn't just order out so that Castiel wouldn't have to cook. Castiel just sighed and shook his head affectionately, for such a tough guy, he acted like areal child sometimes, but Castiel couldn't deny that he found it rather endearing and maybe a little frustrating at times. It was another half an hour before he had finished cooking dinner and during that time Castiel had been thinking.

He wanted to do something special for Dean, a sort of sorry I can't run off with you into the sunset, sort of thing. He wished that they could go out, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so, every time they did was just adding fuel to the fire, although staying home together every hour of the day probably wasn't any better. He just wished there was something they could do, he knew that no matter how much he may deny it, that Dean liked going out, didn't like being cooped up in the house all the time. Castiel pondered his options, rejecting them all as soon as he'd thought of them; he'd started to lose hope of ever finding anything. He had all but resigned to having yet another night in, when he was struck with an idea so suddenly; he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it sooner. He knew exactly where he was going to take Dean and he was sure to love it.

Castiel called Dean in to dinner, barely able to contain his excitement. The moment Dean had sat down; he spoke, trying not to sound too eager.

"So, I was thinking." he began. "Maybe tomorrow, since it's Tuesday and we've got nothing to do, we could do something, you know, go out."

"I thought you hated going out, tongues will wag and all that." Dean said perplexed.

"I know, but I thought it would be a nice change, something new."

"Well, what did you have in mind?" asked Dean.

"Oh, I've got an idea." Castiel said grinning.

"Care to enlighten me?"

"Nope, it's a surprise." said Castiel.

"C'mon, you can't just not tell me."

"Oh yes I can." said Castiel smugly.

"I'll get it out of you some way or another."

"Dean, I'm a priest, we're known for our supreme secret keeping skills." Castiel said. "Don't worry, you won't have to wait long to find out."

"How long?"

"Tomorrow."

"That's way too long." Dean complained. "Just give me a hint, at least."

"Not going to happen, you'll just have to be patient."

"I hate being patient." Dean griped.

"Well, get used to it darling."

"Hmpf, whatever." said Dean.

"Oh, someone's got a sulk on." Castiel teased.

"No I don't."

"Right, okay."

A mischievous grin crossed Dean' face. "What do you say we call it a night and we can see just how good you are with keeping secrets." he said slyly.

"You really think you can get it out of me? How?"

"Oh, I have my ways." Dean replied raising an eyebrow suggestively."

"I'm not opposed to your... interrogation methods." Castiel said smiling.

"Well, alright then."

They got up from the table, leaving their mostly untouched dinners behind; there were more important things that needed doing. Dean led Castiel to their bedroom and laid him gently on the bed.

"I should warn you that I can be very persuasive." Dean said as he leaned down to steal a kiss.

"You'll never crack me." Castiel replied against Deans' lips.

"We'll see." Dean slowly began stripping off Castiel's clothes. The slow drag of fabric on skin sending shivers through him. Dean tossed the garments over the side of the bed one by one, until Castiel was left in nothing but his boxers. Dean knelt at Castiel's feet and slowly ran his hands up Castiel's bare thighs, fingertips teasing at the hem of his boxers. Dean bent down and gently blew across Castiel's thigh, making him twitch and his hair stand on end. He grinned when he looked up and noticed that Castiel was already half-hard.

"I'm starting to think the odds are in my favor." Dean said a bit smugly.

"Don't get too cocky." Castiel said a little hoarsely.

Dean pressed his lips to Castiel's inner thigh, smiling at the choice of words and made his way upwards kissing a trail up to where skin met boxers. Dean ran his tongue under the hem before moving to hover directly over where Castiel's erection was tenting the little cotton shorts. Dean let his breath fan hotly over the bulge before he lowered his head and began mouthing at Castiel's cock through the fabric. Castiel gasped and Dean only pressed his tongue harder against the now fully hard cock. He didn't stop until Castiel was all but writhing under him.

Finally taking pity on him, Dean slipped Castiel's boxers down over his aching erection and tossed them across the room. Seeing Castiel laid out before him like that, skin flushed, cock hard and leaking, made Dean's own cock twitch in his jeans.

"I love you like this." Dean whispered. "Knowing that I'm the only one who's ever seen you like this."

"I'm glad you're the only one who has." Castiel said, looking at Dean with a heavy lidded gaze.

"Me too." Dean replied as he lowered his head once more. One hand reached up to gently stroke Castiel's cock as Dean slowly ran his tongue up its length. Castiel's breath hitched and he bucked his hips upwards. Dean smiled to himself briefly before taking Castiel's cock in his mouth. Castiel moaned and thrust into the wet warmth of Dean's mouth. Dean let him, feeling Castiel slide to the back of his throat and loving it. He pulled back slightly, running his tongue along Castiel's shaft before he took him deep in his throat again. Castiel groaned, reaching up to card his fingers through Dean's hair.

Dean pilled off of Castiel, lifting his head to look him in the eye as he wrapped a hand around him and started stroking. "Feel like talking yet?" Dean asked, running a thumb over crown of Castiel's cock.

He moaned, licking his lips before he spoke. "Never." The hand in Dean's hair became a fist as Castiel tried pulling Dean downwards once more.

"Uh uh." Dean said stroking Castiel faster. "You're not calling the shots here."

"Dean, please. Need your mouth on me." It was a wonder Castiel could still form coherent sentences. He was sweating and flushed, his cock was impossibly hard and aching in Dean's grip. It wasn't enough, he needed more. He thrust into Dean's hand whimpering.

Dean taking pity on Castiel once more, gripped the base of Castiel's cock as sank onto it. He bobbed his head several times, relishing the sounds that he was wringing from Castiel. He hollowed his cheeks and took Castiel deeper into his throat. Castiel was close; he tightened his grip in Dean's hair and thrust into his mouth. Dean tongued his shaft as Castiel continued to thrust into his mouth. Castiel's hips stuttered and thrust upwards once, twice and came down Dean's throat. His orgasm rushed through him, pleasure sparking through him like brain waves through the synapses.

Castiel collapsed back into the mattress and Dean crawled up beside him. "Looks like you didn't crack me after all." Castiel told him, grinning, feeling boneless and satisfied.

"Who says that's all I got." Dean said mischievously his voice sounding hoarse. "There's plenty more where that came from. A good interrogation always lasts hours and hours."

"Good." Castiel replied, kissing Dean and tasting himself on the other man's tongue.

True to his word, Deans' "Interrogation methods" were compelling, but not enough to make Castiel tell him his plans, not that he really wanted to know anyway. They slept contentedly in each other's arms, at peace and ignorant to the storm that raged around them, drawing closer with each coming day.

Castiel awoke before Dean the next morning and quietly slipped from their bed, as not to wake the other man. He dressed quickly leaving off his collar and made his way down the stairs. He was halfway through his cup of tea when Dean walked into the room bleary eyed and still in his pajamas.

"Good morning." Castiel said cheerfully.

"Why do you always have to get up so early?" he asked grumpily.

"I made sure I was quiet so I didn't wake you."

"I know, but I can't sleep if you're not there." Dean said.

"Maybe I'll start sleeping in then."

"You should." Dean said crossing the kitchen and kissing Castiel softly. "Morning, sunshine."

"Are you ready for today?"

"Yes I am when are we leaving?"

"As soon as you're ready to go." Castiel said.

"Okay, then I'll get dressed." Dean kissed him once more before hurrying back up the stairs to get ready.

He was bounding back down the stairs in a few minutes, all eagerness and smiles. His enthusiasm was infectious and they were both grinning as they climbed into the car, the Chevelle, since Castiel was driving. Dean began badgering Castiel for information the moment they left the driveway, but Castiel ignored every question and instead commented on inane things as they drove, like the weather, or things they passed on the road. Dean got the hint and stopped talking for about five minutes before he started on about how secrets tear relationships apart and that honesty was the only way. Castiel just laughed and kept driving. They'd been on the road for about two hours and Castiel thought that Dean might implode; patience clearly wasn't one of his strong suits. He said nothing as he turned off the main road and pulled up to a massive building. Well, not so much a building, more like a large dome-like structure. They got out of the car and Castiel looked over to see that Dean was staring up at the building in bemusement.

"What is this?" he asked.

"This is the Kansas Botanical Garden. You seemed to like my garden and I thought you might enjoy this one. It is rather more impressive than mine." Castiel said. "And we happen to be quite far from Lawrence, I am quite sure that we don't have to worry about anyone seeing us."

Dean looked at him astonished. "This is great Cas, how'd you find this place?" he asked.

"Well, I've actually wanted to visit for a while; I just never had the chance to. I'm glad that we can do this together."

"Me too, let's go."

They headed for the door and while they walked a contemplative look crossed Dean' face. "Are you sure they'll even be any plants this early in the season?" he asked.

"There's always something in bloom here, don't worry." Castiel said.

They passed through the door and were immediately overwhelmed with a sweet flowery smell. A moment later all of Dean' concerns were put to rest when they saw the endless sea of vibrant color that surrounded them. There were plants of every kind, all accompanied by a small plaque describing the species. It was as if they had stepped into another world. Every surface of ground that wasn't covered in the cobblestone path was covered in plants and flowers. In the center of the massive circular room was a small koi pond with a beautiful bridge stretching across it. The pond was surrounded by beautiful cherry blossom trees that littered the ground with their lovely pink petals.

Dean breathed deeply beside him. "This is beautiful, Cas." he said smiling.

"It'll be even more beautiful when we actually get in there." Castiel said smiling before he took Deans' hand and tugged him along the path. Dean laughed and followed him. They walked, hand in hand, with no fear of discovery or judgment. There were only a handful of other people wandering through the garden and they paid them no attention. It was freeing to not have to worry about every little thing they did. They stopped every so often to point out a flower they liked, reading about the plants to each other. Castiel's favorite was the magnolia, while Dean preferred the African daisy, saying it looked badass. They spent hours ambling through the winding paths of the garden. Dean insisted they cross the bridge and when they were halfway across he turned and pulled Castiel into a kiss.

"What was that for?" asked Castiel looking around blushing and wondering if anyone had seen them.

"Because I can. It's not often I can do this and I'm taking full advantage." Dean said with a smirk.

"Are you?"

"Oh yeah." replied Dean kissing him again, longer and slower than before. When he pulled back Castiel was breathing heavier and was feeling decidedly warmer.

"I like this." Castiel said softly.

"Me too," Dean said. "I wish it could be like this all the time."

"I'm sorry that it can't be." Castiel said. "That's sort of the reason I did this."

"What do you mean?" asked Dean.

"It's just that I know I haven't exactly made things easy for you. I know that you want us to be together, to leave and I know that I can't. And I'm just sorry I can't be what you need." Castiel said looking away.

Dean lifted his hand to Castiel's chin, gently tilting his face so that he was looking at him. "Cas, you are everything I need, everything I have ever wanted. Don't ever feel like you're not enough, because that's just wrong. I'm so lucky to have you and I wouldn't have you any other way. You are perfect."

"Stop it." Castiel said disbelievingly.

"I mean it, Cas."

Castiel leaned in and kissed him softly, too overcome with emotion to speak. He pulled back a moment later. "I'm so glad that I met you." he said against Deans' lips.

"That makes two of us, then." Dean said. "C'mon, let's go home."

"Really? I thought you liked it here." Castiel said.

"Yeah, well, there are certain things I can't do here." Dean said coyly.

"And what things would these be?" asked Castiel biting back a smile.

"I'll show you when we get home."

"Is that a promise?"

"You bet your ass it is." Dean said taking Castiel's hand and leading him back through the winding pathways to the exit.

Dean drove them home, much faster than he probably should have. Every so often he would reach over and squeeze Castiel's hand, his smile brighter than the setting sun. Castiel looked out the window, watching the shadows that danced through the trees. He sighed contentedly. He'd heard once that you're only allowed such happiness if they're planning to take something away from you, he wondered if it was true. He thought that after the long years of loneliness and sorrow they had suffered through, that maybe he could finally relax. That maybe everything would be alright for them, sure there would be problems, nothing is ever perfect, but he knew as long as he had Dean that none of it would matter and that this would be the closest to perfect he would ever get. He looked over at Dean, he drove with sun behind him and Castiel didn't think he had ever seen anything so beautiful in all his life. Dean caught him looking and smiled shyly at him.

They arrived home a while later and the moment they were through the door, Dean had him pinned to the wall next to the door, kissing and biting his neck passionately. In lieu of making them dinner he followed Dean to their bedroom. They rid themselves of their clothes and fell in a tangle of limbs on the bed. Castiel lay on top of Dean kissing him slow and deep as he ran his hands up Dean's sides, his stomach, over every inch of skin he could reach. Castiel sucked Dean's lower lip into his mouth, nibbling it as he brushed a thumb over Dean's nipple, making him groan. He could feel the heavy weight of Dean's cock pressed into his thigh. Castiel shifted his hips and ground down so that their erections slid together in perfect friction.

Castiel moaned and began kissing his way down the column of Dean's throat as the other man fumbled with something on the nightstand. Castiel realized what that something was when a moment later two lube-slicked fingers brushed his entrance. Castiel gasped and canted his hips in encouragement, wanting more. Dean, ever the unselfish, obliged. Dean slipped the tip of one finger into Castiel, pulling out again, rubbing and teasing along the rim. Castiel whined impatiently and with a chuckle Dean thrust his finger into him again.

Castiel's breath hitched as Dean slipped a second finger in beside the first, pumping them in and out of him. Dean scissored his fingers, working him open, slowly. He added a third finger and Castiel buried his face in Dean's neck and moaned into the sweat drenched skin there. Castiel rocked back on the digits, needing more. Dean curled his fingers inside Castiel and brushed his prostate as he did so. Castiel moaned loudly as the pleasure spiked through him. Just as the pleasure peaked, Dean pulled his fingers out of Castiel. He whimpered at the loss, while Dean began slicking his cock which was rock hard and aching between them.

Once Dean had finished, Castiel inched his way up the bed until he hovered directly above Dean. Castiel could see the desire in Dean's eyes as he reached back to grip Dean's cock, guiding him in as he slowly sank down onto him. Dean moaned eyes fluttering shut for a second. Castiel felt the burn as Dean stretched him, he gasped as his ass touched Dean's thighs. Fully seated, he slid his hands up Dean's chest as he circled his hips. Dean groaned and reached up, gripping Castiel's hips hard enough to bruise. Castiel planted his hands on Dean's chest as he rocked forward, feeling Dean slide out of him before he sank back down. The drag of skin of skin, the feeling of Dean inside of him filling him up, was incredible.

"Dean." he gasped as he rocked forward once more.

"God Cas," Dean said biting back a moan. "You feel so good. Need you to ride me, fuck me good."

Castiel fucked himself on Dean's cock, the muscles of his thighs bunching and flexing as he rode the other man. Dean's grip on Castiel's hips tightened as he helped lift Castiel before he thrust down onto Dean once more. Castiel's movements started to slow and Dean clamped his hands on his hips stopping them altogether. He held Castiel in place as he thrust up into that tight heat, gasping brokenly with every movement. Dean shifted the angle of his thrusts slightly and Castiel cried out hoarsely. Dean's cock had found Castiel's prostate and he hit it with every thrust as he continued to pound into him.

Dean looked to Castiel who writhed on top of him, looking like he was coming apart at the seams, shuddering and gasping every time Dean's cock touched that sweet spot. Dean loved to see come apart like this, loved knowing he could do that to him. The look of ecstasy on Castiel's face was almost enough to make Dean come right then and there. He knew Castiel was close and he wanted to see the look on his face when he came with Dean's cock buried in his ass.

He reached between them and took Castiel's leaking cock in his hand, stroking in time with his thrusts. Castiel moaned and thrust up into Dean's hand before rocking back on his cock. Dean's pace quickened hand flying over Castiel's cock. He slammed his hips into Castiel, burying himself to the hilt as he ran his thumb over the head of Castiel's cock. Castiel came with a shout, painting Dean's abdomen with his release. Dean watched Castiel's orgasm tear through him and felt his walls clench and tighten around his cock. He came hard, filling Castiel who still shook above him.

A moment later Dean slipped out of Castiel, who then proceeded to collapse bonelessly next to him, breathing heavily. They lay like that for a while before Dean gently gathered Castiel in his arms. Castiel never felt happier than when he was in Dean's arms, and right then with Dean holding him as if he were made of glass, Castiel felt that if he were to die right then and there that he would die the happiest man in the world.

"Thanks for today, Cas. It was really nice." Dean said gently carding his fingers through Castiel's hair as he rested his head on Deans' chest

"We should do things like that more often." Castiel said.

"Yeah, next time I'll surprise you."

"I look forward to it."

They lay together peacefully for a few more minutes, until Castiel began to sit up, disentangling his limbs from Dean's.

"Where are you going?" asked Dean disappointed.

"To the bathroom, don't worry I'll be back before you have time to miss me."

"I doubt it." replied Dean as Castiel climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

He'd only been gone a few seconds when Dean heard a noise from the vicinity of his pants. He realized that it was his phone ringing and considered not answering it, but changed his mind as it continued to ring, completely ruining his peace. He got up and rooted through his pockets until he found the damned thing. He answered it.

"Listen, whoever you are, this isn't a great time." he said annoyed.

"Oh, I'm quite certain that this is a perfectly adequate time."

The voice on the other end chilled him to the bone. Dean was stricken by a surge of panic. No! No, not now, please God, not now, he thought desperately.

"Alistair." he choked out after a minute's silence.

"The one and the only." said Alistair voice coldly. "Been a while Dean, hasn't it? Too long."

"What do you want?" spat out Dean angrily.

"The same thing I always want. I got a job for you."

"Yeah well, I'm not interested." said Dean defiantly.

"Is that so?" asked Alistair amused.

"Yeah it is, find someone else."

"That's too bad." Alistair said regretfully. "I'd hate for that new friend of yours to get hurt, it'd be such a shame, him being a man of the cloth and all."

The room seemed to shrink in size; Dean couldn't get enough air into his lungs. The panic threatened to overwhelm him completely. "How do you…?"

"What? How do I know about your little boy toy? Please, who do you think you're dealing with? I don't let my property out of my sight, I've had someone on you since your last job, I always do. And might I say you've been a naughty boy, a priest, my goodness." Alistair sounded positively gleeful.

"Don't hurt him, alright. Please just don't hurt him." Dean said despair gripping his heart.

"Oh that's sweet, is this love?"

"Shut up, don't you talk about him, don't even say his name."

"Fine I won't, but if you think you can skip out on me that will be the least of your worries. When I get through with him there won't be enough for a burial and you know that I'm not joking."

"What do you need?" asked Dean, the last shred of hope draining out of him.

"That's more like it. I need you in Chicago by tomorrow; we'll talk when you get here."

"I'll leave first thing in the morning." Dean said.

"Time is of the essence here." Alistair said.

"I just want to say goodbye." Dean said tears stinging his eyes.

"You know what, I think I'll let you, but you'd better be here when I need you." Alistair's tone held no pity.

"I will, I promise."

Dean heard footsteps in the hall. "I have to go." he said before hanging up.

He was back in bed before Castiel entered the room. He looked away as he climbed back into bed and curled up beside him.

"Who were you talking to?" he asked.

"Uh, wrong number." Dean said.

"Oh, ok." Castiel said yawning. "Good night, Dean. I love you."

"I love you too." Dean said burying his face in Castiel's hair. Castiel was asleep in minutes and Dean let his tears fall.

He'd known that it couldn't last, told himself so. All this time he'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop and now it had. As he lay cradling Castiel in his arms trying to memorize every last detail about him, the way his eyelashes brushed his cheeks when he closed his eyes, or how he'd wrinkle his nose while he slept. He tried to memorize the weight of the other man in his arms, the sense of security he knew he'd never feel again. But most of all, as he laid there willing the sun to never rise; he hoped it wouldn't be forever, he hoped that Castiel could somehow forgive him for not saying goodbye. Because he couldn't, not after he'd promised he'd never leave, he just couldn't stay to see the heartbreak in Castiel's eyes.

"I'm sorry." he whispered into Castiel's hair. He held Castiel tighter, the man he loved more than he could ever say and he wept into the night, his heart breaking.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: **Hello again, my lovelies, hope you're all doing well. I'm sorry to report that I've got a bit of angst for you today. Sorry bout that. Anyways hope you enjoy it despite the feels.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."

-John Steinbeck

* * *

Castiel awoke the following morning warm and content, unwilling to get out of bed. Finally he managed to drag himself out of bed. He dressed quietly and walked back to the bed, leaning down to place a soft kiss on Dean's forehead.

"I love you." he whispered softly before he left the room.

He walked to the church looking forward to the day. He entered the church enjoying the silence and made his way slowly to his office. He worked for a few hours, writing his sermon, after a while Michael arrived. He came in to say hello, they talked for a few minutes before he left Castiel to get back to work. It was another hour before it was time for Castiel to give his sermon and he left his office happy and ignorant. He stepped into the sanctuary his eyes immediately drawn to the spot where Dean always sat. He wasn't there. Castiel looked over the whole room carefully; it was a moment before he realized that Dean wasn't in the room. He felt a moment's shock before he composed himself again and prepared for the service.

He wondered for a moment where he could be, maybe he was late, he may have overslept. Castiel started the service and waited. He glanced up every few minutes, looking around the room, but Dean never showed up. By the end of the service, Castiel had begun to worry. He was impatient as he waited for the church to empty out. The moment it was empty he was out the door and on his way home. He made it home in a few minutes and hurried through the door calling for Dean as he did so. He thought that maybe Dean wasn't feeling well and had decided to stay home and stay in bed. Castiel walked up the stairs calling Dean's name again and when he didn't get an answer the knot of worry in his chest tightened. A moment later he stepped through the door of the bedroom. The room was empty. The bed had been made, sheets perfect and crisp, as if no one had slept there. Dean's clothes were gone from the floor and there was a feeling of something missing that made Castiel's unease intensify. He took a few steps into the room and caught sight of something on the bed. He walked to the bed anxiety mounting and saw a letter lying there. He picked it up knowing in his gut, that nothing good would come of it. He didn't want to open it, afraid of what it might say. After a moment's hesitation he opened it and read.

Dear Cas,

By the time you read this I'll have gone and I'm sorry for that, I really am. I wish it could be different, I wish I didn't have to do this, but we don't ever get what we want, not really. I want you to know that I'm doing this for you, even if you can never forgive me for it. But most of all, I want to thank you. These past few months, you've given me something I never thought I could have. It was stupid, us thinking it could work. I should have known better, I should have left after that first night, got out before it was too late. You gave me hope, you made me believe in the impossible, but I was wrong, it was nothing but a fool's hope. I know how much losing you will hurt, but no matter what happens, I can never regret having met you. The best day of my life was the first day I walked into that church and I thank God every day for the time I've had with you. My biggest regret is that we didn't have enough. Everything in life is so fleeting; all we do is try to hold onto the happiness we've found, but never quite being able to. Then we spend the rest of our lives wondering what went wrong. The happiness I've found with you, the things we felt will stay with me for the rest of my life, and I will never forget you. I only hope that one day; I will find my way back to you. Just know that I will never stop trying to get back to you, although I don't know how long it will take. I hope that if I find you, you'll remember me and that you won't hate me for what I have to do. You told me once that we always have a choice and you were right, but all choices have consequences. I would rather live the rest of my life alone with you hating me, than risk anything happening to you. I wish I had the strength to stay, but I know what would happen if I did. I want you to do something for me Cas. When you think of me, don't think of today, don't think of now, think of the garden. Remember that moment I held you under the cherry blossoms and know that if you ever want to find me, I'll be there with you always. I love you more than anything, you are my life and until the moment I'm with you again I won't really be living. Because that's how I was when we first met. I was dead and you taught me how to live again and there's nothing I can ever do to thank you for that. I'm sorry that I've broken my promise to you, I wish there was a way around it, but there isn't. Do me a favor, alright, live your life. You are wonderful Cas and you deserve to be happy, so be happy and know that I will never stop loving you for as long as I live.

With all my love,

Dean

Castiel read the letter through twice before it sunk in. There was an immense weight in his chest, he couldn't breathe. He fell to his knees unable to support his weight any longer. His mind had ceased to function; he wasn't able to form a coherent thought. The only thing running through his mind was the word no repeated with increasing desperation until it was a scream. It was a moment before he realized he was saying it out loud, choked out between sobs. He stayed on his knees, clutching the letter in his hand, weeping hopelessly. Castiel didn't move for what seemed like hours, he finally managed to calm himself enough to stand. He crawled into Dean' side of the bed and breathed deeply. He felt shell-shocked, empty. He'd heard before that after a loss, people experience a period of shock, where they feel nothing at all. He wished he could be so lucky, he wished he couldn't feel anything, wished he could shut his mind off. One question kept running circles through his mind. Why? Why did he have to do this, he promised that he would never leave. Castiel had been foolish enough to believe him and now he had nothing. He only wished he had had the chance to say goodbye, that he could have seen Dean one last time.

Castiel couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed for the rest of the day, he didn't eat anything, he just lay there. He didn't leave his bed the next morning either, he knew he had to be at the church, but he couldn't find it in himself to move. He knew Michael and Gabriel would worry, but he didn't care, he just couldn't deal with it, any of it. It was getting late and the sun had begun to set when Castiel heard a knock at the door. He ignored and stayed where he was, curled up in bed. He heard the door open and footsteps on the stairs, for a wild moment he thought it was Dean, come home to him, but a second later Gabriel was pushing the door open and stepping into the room. He looked at him a moment before walking over and sitting on the bed next to him.

"What's wrong Castiel?" he asked concerned. "You've had us all very worried. Michael is concerned."

"I'm not feeling very well. I should be alright in a little while." Castiel told him.

"Are you going to tell me what's really wrong, or am I wasting my time?"

"I don't know what you mean." Castiel said.

"I've known you a very long time, Castiel. In all that time you have never skipped out on a service, never once just not showed up, even if you were sick. We were the ones who had to send you home and you never wanted to go. And then today you don't even call. I know something has happened and I want to help. Please, just talk to me."

"There's nothing you can do for me." Castiel said tonelessly.

"Try me." Gabriel said.

"Dean is gone."

"What do you mean, like before?"

"No, for good this time. He's not coming back."

"I'm sorry, Castiel." Gabriel said sincerely. "I know how much he meant to you."

"Do you?"

"Yes, it wasn't hard to see how much you love him." Gabriel said gently.

Castiel sat up in bed. "What do you mean, I didn't" he said quickly.

"You don't have to pretend with me, I know. It's alright." said Gabriel reassuringly.

"How long?" asked Castiel stunned.

"For quite a while now, I think I knew before you did." Gabriel said with a small smile.

"But, why didn't you say anything to Michael if you knew?" Castiel asked.

"I saw how happy you were and I know how much the church means to you, I couldn't take that away from you."

"But, what about my vows?"

"Castiel, I believe that love is God's greatest gift. It would not have found you if he had not intended it."

"So, after Christmas, when you told me to talk to him?" asked Castiel not wanting to say Dean' name.

"I guessed what had happened and knew how hard it must be for you. I just wanted to help."

"You're always trying to help and I'm very grateful, Gabriel. Thank you." Castiel said.

"Don't mention it. I don't believe that I can help with a broken heart though." Gabriel said regretfully. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Castiel hesitated for a moment. "He didn't stay to say goodbye." he said tearfully.

"Why did he leave?"

"I don't know." Castiel lied. "He promised he never would."

"People make promises with their hearts that their minds can't keep. He loved you very much though, whatever his reasons were, I know that."

"I don't think I can live without him." Castiel admitted miserably.

"Of course you can. God puts before us obstacles so that we may overcome them and grow stronger. Everything he does is for a reason; we just don't know what it is yet."

"I just want him to come home."

"I know, but life isn't always as accommodating as we'd like and sometimes we hurt. And when we hurt, it feels as if no one had ever known pain like ours, it feels as if it will never end, but you must know that everything has its end and nothing lasts forever."

"I hope that's true." Castiel said.

"Trust me." Gabriel said. "Now, I know that you need time to yourself for a little while, so I'm going to tell the Monsignor that you've caught the flu and I will see you in two days, alright?"

"Two days?" Castiel asked. "You can't cover the services for that long."

"I can and I will. You take a rest, get your head on straight, you'll be alright, Castiel, I promise."

"Thank you, Gabriel." Castiel said.

"You're welcome." Gabriel said. "If you need anything at all, just let me know."

"I will."

"Alright, I'll see you later." Gabriel said giving Castiel's shoulder a comforting squeeze before standing.

"Goodbye." Castiel replied.

Gabriel left the room and when he had gone Castiel laid back down. He thought about what Gabriel had said, he wanted so much to believe him, but he couldn't. His words were pretty and comforting, but there wasn't much truth to them. Castiel knew that he wouldn't ever move on and for the rest of his life he would have to carry the pain of Dean' absence. There was a gaping hole in his life now, one that may have always been there, but one that he had not been aware of until it had been filled. Everything seemed so bleak and hopeless and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would wait for Dean. For as long as it took, for as long as he could, he would wait. He just didn't know whether or not he would be waiting in vain, clinging to another fruitless hope, but what else could he do?

The next two days passed in a confused muddle. Castiel felt exhausted most of the time and when he tried to sleep, he couldn't. When he was lucky enough to find the reprieve of sleep, his dreams were disturbing and left him shaking and weak. His head ached incessantly, a dull throb that left him feeling even more drained. Sometime during the second day, Castiel found that he couldn't cry anymore, he had cried himself out. Guilt tore through him, making him feel physically sick. He should have known there was something wrong that night, if he had, he might have been able to stop this. If he'd only had a chance to talk to him, he knew he could have convinced him to stay and it seemed that Dean had known it too, considering his unwillingness to say goodbye in person. It was safe to say that Castiel was not okay and he was quite certain that he never would be.

Those first days were the worst of his life, he was wracked with guilt to admit that they were worse than the days following his sister's death, but they were. So much worse. Years later he had a difficult time remembering what had happened, the only thing he remembered were vague actions and an overwhelming grief that overtook everything. This grief stayed with him, he was helpless against it. He returned to the church, drawn and pale. Michael looked concerned, but said nothing. Castiel was sure that Gabriel had spoken to him already, for which he was grateful. He tried to lose himself in his work, tried to forget everything and just work. It was pointless to try. The days passed and instead of getting better, Castiel seemed to slip further and further away. Like a drowning man, fighting against the current, his strength deserted him and he gave in, let the water take him.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **Hiya, hope you're all doing well. I'm sorry to report I got a short chapter for that's got a whole lot more angst for ya. I'm so cruel, aren't. Anyways, for you're viewing pleasure.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

**Chapter 14**

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been."

-Kurt Vonnegut

* * *

April

Every day passes slowly and the nights even slower. At first Castiel would talk to Gabriel about what had happened, but the more he did, the more he came to realize that he didn't understand. He tried to, pretended to, said all of the pretty things to make him feel better, but he could never understand. After a few weeks, he stopped talking about it, after a few months, he stopped talking period. He would walk into the church in silence, speaking to no one; he would lead his service and then leave before the sanctuary was empty. He couldn't bear to be in the church for too long. Where once he felt peace and security, he now only felt sorrow and longing. His work began to suffer, his sermons that used to give hope to all, now left people with an uneasy feeling. Castiel wants nothing more than to sleep, to forget for just a little while, but most nights he doesn't sleep at all. He has a hard time concentrating on anything for more than an hour. It takes him twice as long to write his sermons and he dreads the task, where he used to take great joy in it. Every day he thinks it can't get any worse and every day he is wrong.

June

The days are longer and though the weather is unbearably hot, Castiel feels cold. He hasn't cried in months, hasn't really felt anything. And he's not sure if he wants to anymore. He lives two lives, parallel to one another. In one he lives as he truly does, but in the other, Dean never left and he imagines what their lives would be. He wonders if he and Dean would have finally gotten around to painting the Chevelle, if maybe they could have gone back to the garden, seen it really in bloom. Sometimes, very briefly late at night, somewhere on the edge of sleep, he forgets that it's not real. For one second it's real, Dean is still there, he's happy and whole and everything is alright. But a second later he remembers, looks to the side of the bed that is still cold and empty and he feels the loss all over again. He hates these moments as much as he loves them, dreads them as much as he longs for them. He wants nothing more than to forget, but he clings to his memories like a dying man clings to life. For the first time in a very long time he doesn't know what to do, he is afraid.

August

Castiel is no longer afraid. He has ceased to feel anything. He doesn't wonder if Dean will come back anymore, he has stopped hoping for anything. His days pass in a haze. He always has a faraway look in his eyes and things have to be repeated several times before he actually hears them. Gabriel has stopped trying to get him to talk, has stopped trying to help. He realized a long time ago that he can't help; there is nothing he can do to pull Castiel back from the edge he has teetered on for so long. The only time Castiel speaks now is during his sermons. His voice has lost the pleasantness it once possessed, it is monotonous and emotionless, an insight into the lifelessness of the man it belongs to. Castiel has stopped dreaming. The brief respites he once enjoyed, the moments of peace with Dean that he found in sleep, have deserted him. He sleeps less now, keeping himself awake to avoid the emptiness and desolation he finds in his slumber. He is pale and drawn; people have begun to talk about illness to question his health. Castiel doesn't hear what they say; people have begun to avoid him when he leaves his house, which grows less and less frequently. He is no longer the kind and gentle man they once knew, he is cold and distant and lost. He wants so much to be found.

October

It's been a year since he first met Dean. Castiel tries desperately not to think of that night, the night when everything changed. He tries not to regret it, to wish it never happened, but he's not so sure anymore. People have stopped talking about him, in their eyes, he is already dead. Attendance at his sermons is all but nonexistent, he doesn't even notice. Michael has tried to talk to him about what's wrong, Castiel is vague and answers none of his questions. Gabriel worries, his heart breaks for his friend. He feels helpless to stop the descent that Castiel is on. He doesn't want to lose him. Castiel has begun to drink. Late one night, he has a brilliant idea. He remembered the nights he had been drinking with Dean, memory and emotion had taken a back seat to everything else. He drank wanting to numb everything, grasping for one glimpse of peace. He never found it, never found a moment's happiness, only more misery. He is falling; he tries desperately to hold onto something, anything, but there's nothing. It just gets worse and worse. He waits for the wave to break and for the tide to go out, but it never does.

December

The holiday season approaches. It's never been so bad, not even in the beginning. Castiel's drinking has gotten worse. He can't get out of bed in the morning without it, can't fall asleep at night. When he tries to cut down, tries to stop, he feels sick, shakes uncontrollably. Gabriel has taken notice; he tries to talk to him about it. Castiel doesn't listen, it only gets worse. He knows what Dean had asked of him, but in hindsight he realizes that he never stood a chance. He wants it to stop, he can't do it anymore. When Christmas morning arrives, Castiel is not at the morning service. Gabriel rushes to his house, sick with worry. He finds Castiel unconscious on the floor in a pool of his own vomit, empty bottles littering the floor around him. For one panicked moment, he thinks Castiel is dead. Gabriel shakes him awake and Castiel looks surprised to see him. Gabriel realizes that he never intended to wake. He feels sick as he helps him into bed, cleans him up. Gabriel gives him a big speech, promises not to tell Michael if only Castiel will get himself together. He leaves him in bed; Castiel spends his Christmas slipping in and out of consciousness. He stops drinking after that night, deciding that he'd been drunk quite long enough. Without the alcohol the emptiness returns in its place of the numbness, he preferred the numbness.

February

Castiel makes a decision. One he knows he should have made a long time ago. He tells Michael that he's no longer fit for his position, that for personal reasons he cannot remain in the clergy. Michael is shocked, he wants to know why, and Castiel can't tell him. He can't tell him that he can no longer give hope to people when he keeps none for himself. He can't stay in this place anymore. After he quit drinking everything came rushing back, like the feeling to a limb that's had the circulation cut off. Everything reminds him of Dean and he can't take it anymore, he'll go crazy if he has to stay. The normally lengthy laicization process is shortened, he's merely being defrocked, stripped of his clerical authority, removed from the thing that's meant so much to him for so long. Gabriel is devastated; all he wants is to be able to keep an eye on Castiel. He knows he can't help, not really, but he can at least help keep his head above water. He tries to talk him out of it, but there's no point, Castiel has made up his mind. He's got some money saved, not a lot, but enough to get by on. He leaves his home and the life he's known, leaves everything.

April

It's been a year since Castiel has seen Dean and he's realized something. All of those people who say that it gets better, that, with time, the pain lessens, they were wrong. Grief doesn't work like that. It's an unbearable weight and at first it's so overwhelming you're certain that you're not strong enough to carry it. The weight never lessens, not one iota, you just get stronger, get better at carrying it, but it's always there. You may move on, learn to live your life, but it never goes away, not completely. He's still living in town. He had some money put away and he found himself a small apartment across town. He could have left, probably should have, but something kept him there. He didn't think about it, but he knew what it was. Though he told himself that Dean was never coming back, he didn't want to stray too far, stupidly clinging to one last bit of hope. A fool's hope, Dean had called it, he was right. He's lonelier now than he had been before. Gabriel visits often, to check up on him and Castiel appreciates his company. Part of him misses the church, but mostly he misses the happiness he used to find there. He goes out even less frequently now, the uproar his leaving caused hasn't yet settled and he's begun to tire of the looks he gets. He's so tired and all he wants to do is go home, but he knows that he can't.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **Hello everyone, I've got something extra special for you today, as promised the angst is a at an end and happy timez await(sort of, maybe there's just a little more, but then that's it, I swear). Anyways, this is the second-to-last chapter, so there'll only be one more after this, I know very sad. Also as a side-note, the song that I listened to a ton while writing this, and what I called their theme song, is The Reason by Hoobastank, random I know. Listen to it and tell me it doesn't fit. So here's le chapter, hope ya like it.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

Chapter 15

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

- Lao Tzu

* * *

It was May and the days had lengthened and grown warm. Castiel had just had a visit from Gabriel. He stayed for a short while. He tried to get Castiel to do something, wanted him to leave the apartment, but Castiel refused. He appreciated Gabriel' concern, but he had no desire to leave, it only made things difficult. He supposed that things would be easier if he just left town and he'd thought about it on more than one occasion. He knew it was probably the right thing to do, but he stayed. He spent his days sitting alone, watching TV, or reading. It wasn't much of a life, but he didn't know what else to do. He had only ever had one thing outside of the church and he'd lost it, like everything else. Castiel still missed him, longed for him, every second of every day, like a stomach ache he couldn't get rid of. He thought about him often. These thoughts were no longer accompanied by jolts of pain or anger, but with a dull ache of resignation.

Castiel was sitting on the sofa, a book in his lap, but he was only half paying attention to it. He was distracted; he always seemed to be distracted these days. He'd been sitting quietly for a couple of hours when he heard a knock on his front door. Castiel sighed, wondering what Gabriel was doing back here. He thought about not getting it, maybe he'd go away. The knocking grew louder and more insistent; Castiel dragged himself off the sofa and made his way to the door. He was in the middle of thinking up an excuse as to why Gabriel couldn't stay when he opened the door. Standing in the dimly lit hallway, was Dean Winchester.

"Hey, Cas." he said.

Castiel felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach, he couldn't breathe, couldn't even think. He tried to say something, but all he succeeded in doing was standing there open mouthed. He took a step back on shaky legs and leaned against the door for support. Dean took a step forward and wrapped his arms around him, Castiel leaned into him gratefully. Castiel fought back tears as Dean held him; he clung to him so tightly, burying his face in Dean's neck, just breathing him in. He wondered if this was one of his dreams and hoped with all of his heart that if it was, it would never end. What seemed like a lifetime later they stepped apart and Castiel looked up into Dean's eyes.

"Dean." he said in a broken voice.

"It's alright, Cas, I'm here, I've got you." Dean said, one of his hands still resting on Castiel's shoulder.

"I, uh, come in." Castiel said.

Dean took a few steps into the room and Castiel closed the door behind him.

"So." Dean said.

"So." mirrored Castiel.

"Look Cas, I know I've got a lot of explaining to do-"

"Oh, you think?" Castiel said, cutting him off.

"I know what I did was wrong, ok, I know that, but you've got to give me a chance to explain."

"Why should I?" asked Castiel feeling the anger and frustration of the past year building inside of him.

"I don't know Cas, please just-"

"Just what? You say you're sorry and then everything goes back to the way it was? Do you have any idea what you did to me, Dean?"

"I know I hurt you." Dean said.

"You fucking gutted me." Castiel said.

"Cas, I had to, I'm sorry."

"I don't want to hear your apology right now, I really don't." Castiel said.

"Please, can we just talk, just for a minute?"

"I can't, not right now. I need some time, Dean."

"How much time?" asked Dean.

"Give me a day. Come back tomorrow, we'll talk then."

"Cas." Dean said in protest.

"I waited a year Dean, you can wait a day." Castiel said, effectively ending Dean's protest.

"Okay, alright I'll come back tomorrow. I promise."

"Don't promise me anything." Castiel said fiercely.

"I'm sorry." Dean said sadly.

"Where are you staying?" Castiel asked, changing the subject.

"Uh, nowhere yet, I've only been back in town a few hours." Dean said. "I went to the house, but you were gone."

"Yeah well, that's a long story. The motel out on route 9 is open again, you can stay there tonight."

"And tomorrow night?" asked Dean hopefully.

"I don't know." said Castiel. "I really don't know."

Dean looked at him for a moment longer before he walked to the door. "It's good to see you. See you later, Cas." he said.

"Goodbye, Dean." Castiel said as he watched Dean walk out the door.

The moment he was gone he collapsed on the sofa. What had he just done? Had he really just sent him away? Castiel pressed the heels of his hands to his temples. He needed a minute to think clearly, but his mind was in a whirlwind. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. It didn't help much, he was still shaking, but he'd calmed enough to form coherent thoughts. "He's back" he thought over and over again. "He's back."

Castiel spent the rest of the afternoon trying to prepare himself for the following day. He honestly didn't know what to expect. He'd lived this moment in his head so many times over the last year, seeing Dean again. It had gone slightly different in his imagination, though. For one, he hadn't sent Dean away the moment he'd got back. He couldn't help it though, the moment he'd set eyes on him, he'd panicked. Castiel knew that talking to Dean, telling him what had happened wouldn't be easy. He dreaded it as the hours passed, he wished he didn't have to tell Dean what he had done, what he had become. He wondered how Dean would feel, knowing how weak he'd been, would he be disappointed? His head ached with these thoughts and he felt drained. He stood up, joints feeling stiff from having sat in the same position for so long. Castiel shuffled into his bedroom, which was much smaller than the one he had shared with Dean. He undressed slowly and climbed into bed. He'd been in bed all of five minutes before he realized that he wouldn't be getting any sleep that night. He lay awake for hours going over every second of the conversation he'd had with Dean, trying to memorize how he'd looked. He hadn't looked much different, older and tired and he supposed he couldn't look much better. The sun had just started to lighten the sky outside his window when he finally fell asleep.

Castiel awoke the next morning feeling unrested with a nervous flutter in his stomach. He dressed and walked out into the living room. He considered making himself some breakfast, but decided against it, thinking that it probably wouldn't help to ease the knots twisting themselves through his stomach. As he sat there a thought occurred to him. He had never told Dean what time to come back, Castiel had no idea how long he would have to wait. He took a shaky breath, wishing Dean would come soon so that he wouldn't have to wait in anxious silence for too long and simultaneously wishing that Dean would take his time because he really wasn't ready for this. He guessed he would never really be ready and it would be better to just get it over with as soon as he could.

Castiel had been waiting for just over an hour when he heard a knock at his door. He felt his stomach lurch unpleasantly as he rose and walked to the door. He opened it and saw Dean standing there, looking just as nervous as he felt. He breathed a sigh of relief and stepped back to let Dean in.

"Sorry if I'm a little early, I was gonna wait, but I couldn't" Dean said.

"That's fine, please sit down." Castiel said stiffly, much too formally.

"Thanks." Dean said walking over and sitting on the sofa. Castiel joined him a moment later, being sure to keep his distance.

"So," Castiel began. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to tell you what happened, why I left." Dean said, withering under Castiel's gaze.

"I know why you left. You made that pretty clear in the letter you left."

"I know, but there's more to it than that, things I didn't say."

"Like what?" Castiel asked.

"The night before I left, I got a phone call. It was Alistair; he said he had a job for me, so I told him he could screw himself. I wasn't going to leave."

"But you did."

"I know. It's just, he knew about you. He'd been keeping tabs on me the whole time, he knew about us."

"How could he have known?" asked Castiel.

"He had someone tailing me. He was watching us the whole time."

"How did we not know?" Castiel asked horrified.

"If these guys don't want to be seen, then you don't see them, period." Dean said. "Anyway, Alistair said if I didn't get my ass to Chicago, he would kill you. I've seen him do it before, I knew he wasn't lying. I panicked, I couldn't let him hurt you, so I left."

"You don't think that maybe you could have discussed this with me first."

"I was going to, I wanted to, but I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to go."

"You didn't have to go Dean; we could have run, got away and hidden where they never would have found us."

"I couldn't force you to just uproot your whole life; you'd already made it pretty clear that that's not what you wanted. I know how much the church meant to you and I wasn't going to be what took it from you. I couldn't bear the thought of you resenting me for what I'd taken from you."

"I guess that really didn't matter in the end, did it?"

"What happened to you Cas? Why are you here?" asked Dean.

"I left the church." Castiel said levelly.

"Why?"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Castiel said derisively. "You were everything to me, everything. When you left, my life ended. Everything went to hell and I guess I just couldn't cope. I tried, I did. I tried so hard to smile through every day, even though I felt nothing. That was the worst part, the emptiness. I never realized how much space you took up until you were gone."

"I'm here now." Dean said reaching out and lying on Castiel's wrist. "It's over."

"Is it?"

"Yes, Cas, there will never be a reason for me to leave again."

"You can't know that for sure." Castiel said.

"What are you talking about?" Dean asked.

"Dean how did you think this would go? That I would fall into your arms and everything would be like it was before? How can I ever trust you again, after what you did to me?"

"Cas please don't say that. You have no idea the things I had to do to get back to you, so please, don't say that to me."

"I'm sorry Dean."

"I can make it right by you Cas, I swear I will, just give me a chance." Dean said pleadingly.

"A chance to do what?"

"To earn your trust back, to change your mind, anything, please."

"You can try, but I can't promise anything."

"Okay, I can accept that." Dean said.

"Alright." Castiel said standing. "I have some errands to run, so you'd better get going."

"Oh," Dean said in surprise as he stood. "Right, okay I'll go. Can I come back tomorrow?"

"If you want to." Castiel replied as nonchalantly as he could.

"I do. I really do." Dean said. "I want you to know that I'm not leaving. I know that you don't believe me and I guess I deserve that, but I am never going to stop trying to make this right. I don't care if it takes the rest of my life, I'm not going anywhere. As long as you want me around, I'll be here. I'm not giving up on us Cas, I love you."

Castiel turned away from him with tears in his eyes. "Don't." he said in a broken voice.

"No." Dean said fiercely, taking a step towards him. "You can call all the shots you want, tell me when to come and go, you can not trust me as long as you like, but you need to know that I love you. You need to know that I left because I love you too much, not because I didn't love you enough."

Castiel kept his back to Dean. He didn't want to speak, knowing his voice would betray how he was feeling.

"Look at me." Dean said taking hold of Castiel's shoulder and turning him around. "You know that I love you, don't you Cas?"

"I don't know." Castiel said.

"What?" Dean asked, his expression crumpling into one of hopeless sorrow. "You can't mean that."

Castiel remained silent. "Cas, do you love me?" Dean asked.

"I don't know. It was love once, but I don't know what it is anymore."

Dean looked as if he'd been slapped. He nodded once, not looking at Castiel. "I'd better go." he said, voice rough. He walked to the door.

"Dean." Castiel said.

Dean turned and looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry." Castiel said.

"Don't be." Dean said. "It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm sorry Cas, for everything." He dropped his gaze and stepped through the door.

Castiel walked back to the sofa and sat down. He didn't know how that could have gone any worse, but at least he hadn't had to tell Dean what had really happened. He thought about what he had said and wondered why he had said it. The look on Dean' face wouldn't leave him. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw it and it broke his heart. He'd been lying about the errands that he had to run and now the prospect of an entire day spent alone with his thoughts seemed unpleasant. His hands shook, he knew what he wanted, it had been a while since he'd needed it this badly. He knew he just needed a distraction from his thoughts. He found the book nearest him and opened it to a page at random and started reading, concentrating as hard as he could on the words in front of him. After a few hours the shaking had subsided and the dryness in his throat was gone. He wished that he could just go for a walk, but knew that would be a terrible idea. No doubt the whole town already knew about Dean's abrupt return and he really didn't need that kind of attention right now. The rest of Castiel's day was spent in anxious silence. He kept wondering that maybe he'd scared Dean off, that he wouldn't come back because of what Castiel had said to him. He was angry with himself for what he had said, angry that even after everything that had happened, his hopes still lay with Dean. He slept badly that night.

True to his word, Dean came back early the next morning. He still looked sad, but not as devastated as he had been when he'd left the day before and for that, Castiel was grateful. Castiel was unsure of what he should do. He didn't know what Dean had expected in coming back, surely he didn't think Castiel's trust could be won back so easily. Castiel was surprised when Dean suggested they just watch TV. He didn't say anything about talking, or doing anything. Castiel agreed a little taken aback, wondering what angle Dean was playing. They sat quietly on the sofa and just watched TV. About a half an hour later Castiel found that he had relaxed considerably and when Dean made quiet observation, or comment, he responded much more warmly than he had before. When it finally came time for Dean to go, Castiel actual had a small smile on his face and Dean looked far more hopeful than the day before. Their goodbyes were formal and a bit shy, like they were on their first date, but there was no anger or hurt and that in and of itself was an improvement. Castiel slept like a baby that night.

Every morning Castiel woke up wondering if Dean would come back and every morning he did. Castiel found it difficult to be with him at first, the ease they'd had with each other's company was gone. As the weeks wore on, Castiel began to relax. They still didn't talk about what had happened during that year and Castiel knew that until they did he'd have to keep his distance. His own secrets worried him enough and he knew that Dean had a few of his own, he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear them. Their relationship had become what it once had been, a long time ago. They were friends and to Castiel it was enough, for now. After only a week, Castiel realized how much he still loved Dean, he wanted nothing more than to just be with him, but he couldn't. He had no idea how long Dean was in town for, maybe they'd get another month and then he'd be off again. Castiel knew that he'd rather keep his distance now than have to relive that year. Gabriel still visited often, he and Dean got along, although he had been angry and protective at first and there was no judgment or disapproval from him. Gabriel had agreed wholeheartedly with Castiel taking it slow with Dean, he was worried about Castiel getting hurt again.

It was several weeks after Dean had returned, June had arrived, hot and bright. Dean turned up with a smile on his face and told Castiel that they were taking a trip. When Castiel asked where they were going, he just smiled and said it was a secret. They walked outside and Castiel was surprised when he saw Dean waiting by the Chevelle.

"You want to take my car?" he asked.

"Yeah, if it's not any trouble." Dean replied.

"No that's fine." Castiel said handing him the keys.

They drove for about a half an hour in a companionable silence. Castiel was busy trying to figure out what exactly Dean was planning. They were a town away from Lawrence when Dean pulled over and cut the engine. They were parked in front of a garage.

"What are we doing here?" Castiel asked. "I thought you fixed my car."

"I did, there's just something I never got the chance to do."

"What?"

"I owe you a paint job." Dean said with a grin.

"Paint job? You mean you're getting my car painted?"

"Yup, I told you I would, didn't I?"

"I remember." Castiel said with a smile of his own. "So, what do we do?"

"Well, you have to decide what color you want her. Personally I think black is classic, but hey, it's your car."

"Black is good with me." Castiel said.

"Awesome, I knew you had good taste." Dean said. "All we gotta do is drop her off and then we'll have an hour or two to kill."

"Okay." Castiel agreed.

Dean pulled the car into the garage and stopped to talk with one of the mechanics before they were ready to go. They spent the next hour and a half walking through the town. They talked as they walked and Castiel felt good, it was the happiest he'd been in a very long time. When Dean got a call from the garage, they made their way back. Once inside they were presented with a freshly painted Chevelle. It looked gorgeous and Castiel couldn't have been happier with it. Dean drove him home and when he pulled into the driveway, Castiel turned to him.

"Thank you for this." he said.

"It's no trouble Cas, I promised I would."

Castiel sat for a moment, torn with indecision. This would be the perfect time for them to have the talk that Castiel had been dreading. He could just let the moment pass and be the coward that he is, but he knew that he may not get another chance. He breathed deeply for a second.

"Dean, there's something that I have to tell you. Well, a lot of things actually."

"What is it?" asked Dean.

"I wasn't completely honest with you about what happened this past year; I didn't exactly tell you everything. It's just, some things happened to me and I'm not particularly proud of them, but I think you should know."

"What happened?"

"Well, I guess I didn't do what you asked me to, I didn't live my life. After you left, I don't know, it was so hard and at first I thought I could do it, but…"

"But, What?"

"I couldn't. It was about six months after you left, I uh, I wasn't in a good place and I started drinking. Not too much at first, but it got pretty bad. I'm surprised Michael didn't have me thrown out, honestly. Gabriel tried to help, but I was beyond helping at that point."

"Jesus Cas." Dean said concerned. "What happened, why did you stop?"

"It was Christmas and I don't know, I guess it was too much. I don't really remember a lot. Gabriel found me unconscious; he thought I was dead, told me I could have killed myself. And I guess when that prospect didn't seem all that unappealing; I knew I had to stop. It wasn't easy, believe me, but I did."

"Cas, I am so sorry."

"Don't be, it's not your fault, I was weak."

"No you weren't you were in pain and it was my fault, all of it."

There was silence for a moment. "So that's it then." Castiel said.

"There's something that I have to tell you, I guess since we're sharing I might as well get it out."

"Alright." Castiel said.

"Usually, I have one job every couple of months." Dean began. "That's why I was here for so long before, but Alistair knew about you. He knew how much I wanted to get back to you, so he kept me around, like a dog on a leash. It was his way of torturing me and when I didn't do what he wanted he'd sit there and tell me all the ways he could kill you and trust me, there was variety. One night when he'd been drinking he started going off again, I mean the things he said about you and I don't know, I just snapped. I hit him; I should have been scared shitless after, should have begged for forgiveness, but instead, I hit him again. I couldn't stop, I've never felt that kind of rage before and it scared me. I don't know how long it went on for, but when I stopped, he was dead. I didn't know what to do, so I ran. I wanted to come straight back here, but I couldn't. I didn't know if the other guys would want revenge, or if they'd come after me. So, I just waited, right out in the open. I figured if they wanted me then they wouldn't wait and they knew where I was, but no one came. It was about two months later when I found out why. Apparently one of the other guys was looking to do Alistair in too, the way he saw it, I did him a favor. He took Alistair's place and made sure everyone knew I was off limits. That was a week ago, the minute I heard that I dropped everything and came back."

There was a moment of stunned silence. Castiel couldn't believe what he'd heard. "Dean I…" he began.

"It's alright Cas." Dean said sadly. "I mean I know you've looked past a lot of things, but this is different. I didn't have to kill him, I just did."

"You didn't mean to."

"I think I did."

"It doesn't matter." Castiel said.

"What do you mean it doesn't matter?"

"I mean that it's over and you did what you had to do to get out and I won't mourn a man like that."

"You mean you don't…"

"Don't what?"

"You don't hate me?" Dean asked.

"Of course I don't, I could never hate you."

"But you don't love me."

Castiel saw the misery etched into the lines of his face. He reached out and placed his hand on Dean's arm. "That's not true. Dean, I love you more than anything, I never stopped loving you, not for a second."

"But what you said before."

"I was confused and I was cruel. I wanted you to feel the pain that I felt when you left; I just didn't realize that you already had and I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I guess I kind of deserved that." Dean said with a smile. "Listen Cas, I don't if this changes anything or if you still aren't ready…"

Castiel leaned in and kissed Dean, effectively cutting him off. "Yes, this changes things." he said, his lips still brushing Dean's.

"Does it?" Dean asked smiling against Castiel's lips.

"Yes." Castiel said, their lips meeting again, soft and slow and full of longing. "C'mon, let's go home."

Things had changed, but for the first time in a long time, they had changed for the better, for the first time in a long time, everything was right with the world.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: **So here we are, on the last page. I know you're all very sad to see this story end, but please hold your applause. I've very much enjoyed writing this, and I hope you guys enjoyed reading it, and I hope the ending does it justice. So I present to you the conclusion of this fine tale. *tear*

Oh, and as a little fun fact, the game they play, baggo, is a game that my family plays at every family gathering. It's really hard, and much funner when you're drunk.

Well, it's been real. Peace out bitches, I'll see you on the other side.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.

* * *

**Chapter 16**

"And when the day arrives I'll become the sky and I'll become the sea and the sea will come to kiss meh for I am going home. Nothing can stop me now."

-Trent Reznor

* * *

Castiel was pulling into the driveway, when his phone rang. Dean had insisted he get a cell phone so that they could keep in touch and Castiel told him that he worried too much. He answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Cas." It was Dean.

"Are you calling me from inside the house?" he asked bemused.

"Nope, I'm calling from the yard." Dean said. "Meet me out back would you?"

"What's this about?"

"It's a surprise, you'll find out when you get back here, now hurry."

Castiel got out of the car and walked around the back of the building. Dean was standing in the small patch of grass that was their yard. At his feet were several potted plants and a watering can. Castiel looked at the scene before him puzzled.

"What's all this?" he asked.

"This," Dean said taking a step forward and wrapping his arms around Castiel's waist. "Is your new garden."

"My new garden?"

"Yup, I know how much you loved having one before and I know there's not a whole lot of space here, but I figured we could make it work."

"Don't we always?" said Castiel smiling.

"Yes, we do."

Dean leaned down to kiss him before turning and picking up one of the pots. "This one's for you." he said.

Castiel took the plant from him. They were flowers and Castiel recognized them immediately, they were magnolias. Castiel looked at the flowers fondly.

"These are lovely Dean, thank you." he said.

"I'm glad you like them, what do you say we get a little dirty?" Dean asked.

"I like the sound of that."

An hour later they stood looking down on their little garden. In the end they'd only had room for the flowers and a few vegetables, but Dean said it was still awesome. Dean took Castiel's hand with a mischievous grin.

"I don't know what's more fun, getting you dirty, or getting to clean you up after." he said.

"Let's find out." Castiel said pulling Dean towards the door.

Once they'd finished their unnecessarily long shower, they curled up on the sofa together and put a movie on. Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder and started to doze off. He knew there was something he wanted to talk to Dean about and he knew should probably say it before he ended up falling asleep. He blinked the sleepiness from his eyes and shifted a little in Dean's arm to get a better look at his face.

"Dean?" he said.

"Yeah Cas?"

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you." said Castiel.

"Ask away then." replied Dean.

"I've been thinking, since everything with Alistair is over now, will you go home?"

"What do you mean? I am home." Dean said confused.

"No, I mean back to see your family. It's safe for you to see them now and I know how much you miss them, especially your brother. I just thought you might like to go back."

"I don't think I can go back. It's been too long."

"Don't say that, they're your family, I'm sure they miss you." Castiel said.

"It's been over ten years; they probably think I'm dead."

"How would you feel if you had to live your life thinking Sam was dead when he wasn't?"

"That's different." Dean said.

"How's that?"

"I don't know it just is." Dean said huffily. "Besides he's probably married by now, he's probably forgotten all about me."

"You know that's not true."

"What do you want me to say here, Cas?"

"I want you to say you'll think about it."

"Alright, I'll think about it." Dean said. "Now can we drop it, please?"

Castiel conceded for the moment, but he knew the discussion wasn't at an end. Later that evening when they were getting ready for bed Dean grew fidgety and uncomfortable looking. When Castiel asked him what was wrong he avoided his gaze and sat on the bed with his back facing Castiel.

"What if he hates me?" Dean asked quietly.

Castiel knew at once who he was talking about. He climbed onto the bed and sat behind Dean, placing a hand gently on his back. "He may be angry with you Dean, but he's your brother and I know he doesn't hate you."

"You think so?"

"Yes I do."

"What'll I even tell him, about why I left."

"The truth, more or less, you can leave out some things, I think." said Castiel.

"How could I tell him what I did?"

"Don't tell him what you did; just tell him why you did it. He'll understand."

"How do you know?"

"Because he's you family and he has to."

"I don't even know where he is, I lost track of him when he left school." Dean said.

"Is there anyone who might know where he is?" Castiel asked.

"My Dad's friend Bobby might know."

"Then you'll just have to call your Dad's friend Bobby then, won't you?" Castiel said. "You can have your brother and you father meet you at Bobby's."

"My Dad too?"

"Yes, it will be easier for you if you only have to tell your story once."

"It's not going to be easy, period." Dean said.

"I know," replied Castiel, rubbing small circles into Dean's back. "It'll be hard, but worth it."

"Isn't everything?"

"I suppose it is."

"You'll come with me, right?" Dean asked.

Castiel was taken aback by the question. "Of course I will, only if you want me to."

"I want you to, I really do. This will be kind of an unorthodox way of introducing you to my family." Dean said with a laugh.

"Yeah well, when has anything with us ever been normal?"

"Never," Dean said turning to face Castiel. "And I like it that way."

"Speak for yourself." replied Castiel with a grin.

"Hey, you're lucky I'm so damn exciting, I could be boring like you."

"You are so boring; your idea of an exciting night is watching crappy horror movies." Castiel said.

"That is not true." said Dean affronted.

"I'm afraid it is." said Castiel. "You have to admit that we're not a very exciting crowd."

"Fine, we can be boring together."

"I like the sound of that."

"Me too." Dean said kissing Castiel gently.

Dean called Bobby the following morning, relieved that his number hadn't changed after so many years. Castiel heard Dean's end of the conversation and it was clear that Bobby was more than a little surprised to be hearing from him. Dean refused to explain anything over the phone and asked Bobby if he could maybe get his father and Sam to come over. Bobby was hesitant at first, wanting to warn Sam beforehand to save him the shock, but in the end he agreed to not tell him anything. Bobby said that he would call back once he'd found out whether or not Sam could make it. Needless to say it was a very tense two hours for the both of them. Castiel tried in vain to get Dean to relax. When the phone finally rang again Dean nearly leapt out of his skin. There was a moment of tense silence, then Dean broke into a massive grin and started babbling his agreement and thanks. He hung up the phone and turned to Castiel happily.

"He can make it." he said.

"That's wonderful." replies Castiel smiling.

"Yeah, he's got some time off this weekend so we'll have to drive most of the day tomorrow if we want to get there in time"

"Where are we going exactly?" asked Castiel.

"Bobby lives in South Dakota, it's about a six hour drive from here."

"Well, the way you drive, we'll get there in four." Castiel said.

"Yeah we will." Dean said. "This is awesome Cas, thank you. I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you."

"I'm glad you're happy." said Castiel.

"I am, I am so happy." Dean said grinning. He took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist. "I love you." he said.

"And I love you." Castiel replied. "We should really start packing, you know."

"I know, but this is much better than packing." Dean said with a sly grin, walking Castiel towards the bed.

"We'll be very rushed tomorrow." Castiel said as Dean kissed his way down Castiel's neck.

"I'm sure we will. "Dean said lips pressed to Castiel's throat.

"We may get a late start and who knows the traffic we'll hit." said Castiel, trying to ignore the way that Dean's hands were roaming over his body.

"Then I'll have to drive really fast, won't I?" Dean said starting to undo the buttons of Castiel's shirt.

Castiel knew a losing battle when he saw one. "I give up." he said, letting Dean lower him gently down onto the bed.

"Finally." Dean said exasperated. "I thought I was losing my master seduction skills."

"You have to have something before you can lose it." Castiel said.

"You are so going to pay for that." Dean said playfully pinning Castiel's arms above his head.

"Am I?" asked Castiel raising an eyebrow in challenge.

"Oh yeah." Dean said gleefully, as he pulled Castiel's shirt off and threw it across the room. He popped the button on Castiel's jeans and slowly pulled them down his hips.

Castiel sighed as Dean continued to undress him; soon his jeans and socks had joined the growing pile of clothes on the floor. Dean kissed his way up Castiel's abdomen, until their lips finally met. Castiel, realizing that Dean still wore too many clothes, began pulling his shirt off. They broke off their kiss long enough for Castiel to get Dean's shirt over his head, and then they were back on each on each other in a second. Castiel quickly rolled them over, so that he lay sprawled on top of Dean.

Castiel pulled away from Dean and trailed kisses down his neck as he worked at the button of his jeans. Castiel sank his teeth into Dean's collar bone as he roughly yanked his jeans over his hips. Dean moaned and thrust up into Castiel's thigh, which was planted firmly between his legs. Castiel smiled into Dean's skin at the feel of his hard cock against his leg. Castiel quickly removed Dean's jeans and moved up to catch his mouth in a rough kiss. Castiel thrust his thigh more firmly between Dean's legs and buried his face in the crook of his neck as he thrust into his thigh, relishing at the friction on his aching cock. Dean gasped and bucked upwards desperately.

"Too many clothes," Dean said breathlessly. "Need to feel you."

They rid themselves of their boxers and Dean once more lay on top of Castiel, covering his body with his own. Castiel thrust up into Dean's hip, his leaking cock sliding deliciously against Dean's sweat-slicked skin. He moaned as Dean ground his hips down onto Castiel's, causing their cocks to drag along one another.

Dean set a rapid pace, thrusting into Castiel, their cocks sliding against each other between their bodies. Precome slicked the way and it was wet and hot and perfect. Dean caught Castiel's mouth in a wet kiss that was all teeth and tongue, as he continued to rut into the other man. Castiel moaned and thrust upwards in time with Dean's movements. Castiel wrapped his legs around Dean's waist, bringing their bodies closer together.

Dean's thrusting lost its rhythm, and became erratic, as he reached between them and took their slick cocks in one hand. Castiel groaned as Dean's hand wrapped around his over-heated flesh. Dean's hand stroked their cocks together, rough and hot, and Castiel knew he wouldn't last. Dean twisted his wrist at the end of every stroke, and Castiel felt his orgasm building. Dean leaned forward and kissed him as he stripped their cocks, squeezing ever so slightly. It was too much for Castiel and he came hard in Dean's fist, a second before Dean's own orgasm ripped through him. They came together, covering themselves in come and breathing heavily. Dean rolled off Castiel and lay next to him a moment before pulling him into his arms.

"Is that's what punishment is like with you, I should get on your bad side more often." Castiel said snuggling into Dean's side.

"If you think that's all I have planned, then you're very much mistaken. And I am so going to make you pay for earlier, just you wait." Dean replied, smirking.

"I look forward to it." said Castiel, returning Dean's smile.

Needless to say, nothing was packed that night and there was a mad dash in the morning to get everything ready. Several things were probably forgotten, but in hindsight it was most definitely worth it. Dean insisted that they would make up for lost time once they were on the road. It wasn't long after they left that Castiel realized Dean was in no way joking about driving really fast. More than half of the time he drove, he was speeding and it did nothing to calm Castiel's nerves. They made decent time and arrived in Sioux Falls, South Dakota at around seven that night. Dean drove down a long dirt driveway and stopped in front of a big, old house. There was a large salvage yard and from his seat in the Impala Castiel could see a rusted sign that read "Singer Salvage." It looked a little worse for wear, but there was something comforting about the peeling paint and the overgrown weeds in the yard.

Once Dean had cut the engine he stayed put, hands still clasped tightly to the steering wheel. Castiel couldn't imagine what he was feeling and wished there was a way to ease the anxiety he was undoubtedly feeling. For lack of anything else to do, he reached out and rested his hand gently on Dean's shoulder. Dean jumped, he'd been so lost in thought he'd forgotten Castiel was there. The panicked look he turned on Castiel made it clear that he was not ready to do this, but Castiel knew if they waited any longer then Dean would end up leaving before he'd even gone inside. Castiel climbed out of the car and walked around to the driver's side, he opened Dean's door and held his hand out to him, offering him a reassuring smile as he did so. Dean took his hand silently and together, they made their way up to the house, where Castiel promptly knocked on the door, before Dean lost his nerve. A minute later an older man with graying hair, a scruffy beard, and wearing a baseball hat and a good deal of flannel, opened the door. He stood for a moment regarding Dean before he stepped forward and trapped Dean in a crushing hug.

"Goddammit kid, I didn't think you'd actually come." he said standing back.

"Yeah well, I did." Dean said awkwardly. "Hey, Bobby."

"Hey Dean." Bobby said with a smile. "Why don't you boys come in and make yourselves comfortable."

Dean walked into the house and Castiel followed a step behind. They entered into a large living room containing several bookshelves and several pieces of mismatched furniture.

"Have a seat." Bobby said. "Can I get you boys anything to drink, must have been a hell of a drive."

"Waters fine." Dean said taking a seat on the sofa and Castiel sat beside him.

Bobby left the room and Castiel sat staring at the threadbare carpet on the floor, while Dean fidgeted uneasily. A few minutes later Bobby came back into the room with two glasses of water and a grin on his face.

"You sure I couldn't get you anything stronger?" Bobby asked.

"Nah, we're good." Dean said.

"So, are you going to introduce me to your friend?" asked Bobby looking pointedly at Castiel.

"Right sorry, I didn't mention on the phone. Bobby, this is my boyfriend, Castiel." Dean said.

Castiel felt as shocked as Bobby looked; he had not expected Dean to tell his family who exactly he was to Dean. There was silence for a beat.

"It's good to meet you, Castiel." Bobby said extending his hand.

"Thank you for having us." Castiel replied taking Bobby's hand in a firm handshake.

"So," Bobby said sitting down in the worn armchair across from them. "How long you two been together?"

"Well, we've known each other about two years now. We've been together for about a year and a half." Dean said easily.

"You living together?"

"Yeah."

"Good, I'm glad to see you've settled down." Bobby said a warm smile on his face. "This one was crazy when he was a teenager; I hope you're keeping him in line, out of trouble."

"I do my best." Castiel said with a relieved smile. "How crazy was he exactly?"

"You should have seen him, my God, like he had a fire lit under his ass, never in one place more than a minute. I remember this one time at Christmas-"

"Alright," Dean said quickly. "There will be no embarrassing childhood stories."

"Fine killjoy." Bobby said winking at Castiel. "I'll tell you later."

"Great." Dean said grumpily.

"So," Bobby began. "You gonna tell me where you been for the last ten years?"

"I will, but not right now. I'm only saying it once, so I'd rather do it when everyone is here." Dean said.

"Okay, fair enough." Bobby said. "Your brother will be here early tomorrow morning, he's flying in from Tulsa at eight."

"Tulsa?" Dean asked.

"That's where he's living now, has been for a few years now."

"How has he been?" Dean asked.

"He's been alright; he's getting married next year."

"Married?"

"Yeah, her name's Jessica, they got engaged last year."

"Damn," Dean said. "I guess I missed a lot, huh?"

"You think?"

"I know I screwed up." Dean said. "But, I want to make it right, by you and by Sam."

"It's not me you got to worry about, that boy worshipped you, you were the most important thing in the world to him."

"I know, I'm not proud of it, but I did what I had to do. You gotta understand that."

"I understand just fine, I know life can be a bitch, you better hope he understands it too."

"Yeah." Dean said.

"Well, it's getting late, you must be tired. You know where the spare bedroom is." Bobby said standing.

"Yeah, I do." Dean said standing as well.

Bobby clapped Dean on the shoulder. "It's good to see you again, son." he said.

"Yeah, you too."

"Well, goodnight, I'll see you boys in the morning." said Bobby as he walked out of the room.

Dean sighed as he turned to Castiel.

"C'mon," he said. "I'll show you the room, then I'll get our bags."

He led Castiel up a flight of stairs and down a narrow hallway, stopping in front of a door and opening it to let Castiel inside. Once Castiel had stepped into the room he turned around and walked back down the hallway. Castiel would have offered to help with the bags, but he knew that Dean needed a moment to himself. So he took a look around the room. It was on the small side and the only furniture in it was a rickety looking bed that he knew would be a tight squeeze for the two of them and an old wooden armoire. Castiel sat on the bed and waited for Dean. Several minutes later, longer than was needed to carry a few bags from the car, Dean stepped through the door again. He dropped the bags onto the floor and sat beside Castiel on the bed.

"Do you think it was right, coming here?" he asked after a minute.

"Yes, I do. I don't think it's going to be easy for you and for that I'm sorry, but it is right. And when it's all over, you'll be glad that you did."

"Thanks Cas, I'm glad you're here, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder and Dean's arm snaked around to circle his waist. They sat like that for a while, until Dean sighed and said it was getting late. They undressed and climbed into the bed. Castiel was right, it was a very tight fit, but he didn't mind. He pressed himself closer to Dean, burying his face in his neck, while Dean wrapped his arms around him.

"I love you." Dean murmured pressing a gentle kiss to his temple.

"I love you, too." Castiel whispered.

Castiel fell asleep almost immediately, exhausted from the long drive. Dean lay awake for a long time, anxious and nervous, going over all the ways that tomorrow could go wrong in his head. He held Castiel tighter and tried not to think. When sleep finally found him, he slept fitfully, his exhausted mind plaguing him with nightmares. Castiel was up and dressed when Dean awoke feeling sluggish and unrested. Dean dragged himself out of bed and got dressed. They made their way downstairs to find Bobby in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He looked up when they walked in.

"I hope you're hungry." he said, laying plates and silverware out on the table.

"We are." Dean said as he and Castiel sat at the table.

"Good." Bobby said piling eggs and bacon onto their plates before sitting down. "After we eat, I got to go and pick your brother up from the airport; I'm guessing you don't want to come with me."

"No, we'll wait here." Dean said.

"Suit yourselves." said Bobby. "Do you even have any idea what you're going to say to him?"

"No not really." Dean admitted.

"Well, you better figure it out."

They ate in silence and after they'd thanked him for breakfast he was out the door. Dean sat at the table looking as if he were going to be sick. Castiel walked up behind him and rubbed his shoulders soothingly.

"It'll be alright." he said. "Trust me."

"Bobby's right." Dean said. "What am I gonna to say to him?"

"Just tell him the truth, or as much of it as you can. You can't make him like what you did, but you can make him understand it."

Dean reached up and took the hand that was resting on his shoulder, gripping it tightly.

"And what if he doesn't forgive me?" Dean asked fearfully.

"Well, we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it, won't we?"

Dean kissed Castiel's palm softly. They waited together for what seemed like hours and when they heard a car in the driveway Dean shot out of his seat. The semblance of calm he found a moment ago was gone and he paced nervously as he waited. They heard voices approaching the door and at the sound of a voice that was not Bobby's, Dean froze stock still. A moment later the door opened and Bobby and a younger man, who could only have been Sam, stepped into the house. Sam looked to be about five years younger than Dean and was a bit taller. His hair was longer and he had distinct hazel eyes, which were now widened in surprise. Sam looked up and caught sight of Dean. He looked from Bobby to Dean seemingly oblivious to Castiel's presence.

"What?" he said shocked.

"Hey Sam." Dean said.

"Dean?" Sam asked, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Yeah, it's me." Dean said.

Sam dropped his bags and took a step forward. He was about a foot away from Dean when he stopped, cocked his arm back and punched him in the face. Castiel was sure that with Dean's reflexes, he could have blocked it, but he supposed that Dean thought he deserved it. Dean staggered back a step and when Sam cocked his arm back again Bobby stepped in and stopped him.

"It's ok," Dean said. "Let him go."

Bobby let go of Sam's arm with a look of concern and stepped back. Sam didn't hit him again, he stood looking at Dean, fury radiating off him in waves.

"Why?" Sam said through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry, Sam." Dean said. "I am so sorry."

"Shut up, I don't want to hear your fucking apologies." he said angrily.

"Then what do you want to hear?"

"Maybe, a goddamn explanation."

"Yeah okay." Dean said heaving a sigh. "I left, and yeah it was a dick thing to do, but I had to."

"Oh, you had to." mocked Sam.

"Yes!" Dean said fiercely. "If you remember I was trying to pay your way through school. I was hustling, trying to make a little extra, I met a guy in a bar. He said if I helped him out, he'd pay. I didn't know what he wanted at the time, but I found out."

"Yeah, and what's that?"

"He wanted me to tune some guy up, so I did, I'm not proud of it, but I needed the money. He paid me and I was gonna be on my way, then this guy tells me he needs a guy like me around. I told him to screw himself, then he gets a lot less friendly. He says that if I don't work for him, then he kills my family. I didn't believe him obviously, but he knew about you Sam, had pictures of you. He'd had someone watching you, in case I didn't agree. So, I did, I had no choice, they were gonna kill you."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam asked horrified.

"I wasn't allowed any contact with you, the bastards didn't even let me say goodbye. I worked for them and they paid me, that's how I was able to send you the money for school. I know you're probably disgusted with how I got it, but it was the only thing I could do for you."

"So, that's where you've been this whole time?"

"Until about a month ago, yeah." Dean said.

"How'd you get out?"

"The guy who held my contract died, the new boss didn't need me around, so he let me go."

"Jesus Dean, you should have told me, we could have figured a way out."

"I know, but I was so scared that they'd hurt you. I couldn't let anything happen to you, Sammy"

Sam nodded and walked to the table to sit down. He looked like he was having a hard time accepting what was happening. Dean joined him at the table, while Bobby and Castiel looked on anxiously.

"So," Dean said. "Where's Dad, I thought he'd turn up."

Bobby fidgeted uncomfortably and Sam looked at him in surprise.

"You didn't tell him?" Sam asked.

"I figured that was your place, not mine." Bobby said.

"Tell me what?" asked Dean.

"Dad's dead." Sam said.

"What?"

"He died five years ago."

"How?" asked Dean still reeling.

"He was in an accident. He was drunk, wrapped his car around a tree. Cops said they didn't know if it was an accident or a suicide and I'm not sure either. He was never the same after mom died and when you left, I don't know, I guess he couldn't handle it. I tried to help him, but he was so far gone, he didn't want to be helped. I hadn't seen him for years before he died, I lost you both."

"I'm sorry Sam; you shouldn't have had to deal with that on your own. I should have been there." Dean said.

"Yeah, you should have, but you're here now."

"Yeah, I am."

"So, are you gonna introduce us?" Sam asked looking at Castiel.

"Right, uh, this is Castiel." Dean said.

"Friend of yours?" asked Sam, an eyebrow raised.

"My boyfriend, actually." Dean said.

Castiel experienced a moment of anxiety before Sam rose from his seat with a smile on his face and crossed the kitchen to shake Castiel's hand.

"It's nice to meet you." he said kindly.

"It's wonderful to meet you as well; Dean has told me about you, I'm glad to finally meet you in person." Castiel replied.

"You told him about me?" Sam asked looking at Dean questioningly.

"Yeah, a bit, it was actually his idea to come out here."

"Was it?"

"Yes," Castiel admitted. "I knew he wanted to, but he needed a little push."

"I know how stubborn he can be." Sam said.

"You have no idea the things I have to put up with." Castiel said smiling good-naturedly at Dean.

"Hey, I'm not that bad." Dean protested.

"Yes, you are. You're just lucky you have me to keep you in line." said Castiel.

"That's why I love you, always looking out for me." Dean said grinning at Castiel sappily.

"Get a room." Sam said in mock disgust.

"Speaking of, what's this I hear about you getting married?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, her name is Jess. She's great; I think you'd really like her."

"Yeah well, maybe I'll meet her someday, if you want me too."

"Is that what you want?" asked Sam. "I mean is this you just dropping in once and then leaving again, or is this you coming back for good?"

"This is me coming back." Dean said earnestly. "I don't have to run anymore, Sam and I want to be a part of your life, I want you to be a part of mine. I just hope that I haven't screwed up that chance for good."

"I don't know." Sam said. "We'll see how this weekend goes and I'll let you know."

"I can deal with that." Dean said gratefully. "Thanks for giving me a chance."

"Yeah well, you're my brother." Sam said as if that were reason enough and maybe it was.

Bobby realizing that the risk of an all-out brawl had passed, sat at the table and Castiel joined them. They sat and talked for a while, caught up on all that had happened in the last ten years. Sam heard all about how Castiel and Dean met and Dean heard about Jess and their plans for the wedding. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start.

They spent the rest of the day at Bobby's. So much thought had been put into the actual meeting itself that once it had happened, they didn't really know what to do. They had a whole weekend to pass and had nothing to pass it with. That night after they'd eaten they talked about what they could possibly do. Bobby suggested that they could go to a community picnic that the town held every year. There would be food, games and an all-around good time. They agreed easily; glad to have something they could all agree on. They parted ways that evening, Sam taking the sofa, while Castiel and Dean took the guest room again. Dean and Sam exchanged a smile and a nod of the head before Dean turned and made his way up the stairs. Once back in their room, Dean plopped down on the bed with a contented smile on his face.

"That went pretty good, right?"

"That went very well." Castiel agreed. "I told you he didn't hate you."

"Yeah well, I should listen to you, then shouldn't I?"

"Yes you should." Castiel said joining Dean on the bed. "So, are you excited for tomorrow?"

"Definitely, it's gonna be awesome, Sam used to love stuff like that when he was a kid."

"Good."

"Yeah it is. I'm glad we did this, thank you." Dean said taking Castiel's hand gently in his own.

"It wasn't just me, you know." Castiel said.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you." Dean said giving Castiel's hand a squeeze. "So, thank you."

"Well, if you insist on thanking me, then you're welcome." Castiel said.

"I have other ways of thanking you, you know." Dean said mischievously, his hand letting go of Castiel's and lingering on his thigh.

Castiel put his hand on Dean' to stop its migration. "Not with your family two doors down." he said sternly.

"You're no fun." Dean said leaning in close.

"That may be, but I am saving our dignity."

"You and your dignity." Dean said with an exaggerated sigh.

Castiel laughed and kissed him.

"What was that for?" asked Dean surprised.

"Because you're impossible and I love you."

"You love me because I'm impossible."

"Yes I do."

"And I love you because you're no fun." Dean said.

Castiel kissed him again, smiling. "Let's go to bed."

"Okay." Dean agreed.

They rose early the next morning and Bobby cooked them all breakfast. They all got ready to go and piled into their cars. Castiel and Dean took the Impala and Sam went with Bobby in his truck. Dean followed Bobby to the park where the picnic was being held. It wasn't a long drive and they were pulling up to the park a few minutes later. They parked and got out of the car. Looking around Castiel saw a beautifully manicured lawn covered with picnic tables, grills and various lawn games. There was already a large crowd gathered in the park, families mostly, the children shouting and chasing one another through the small copse of trees by the picnic tables.

The group moved away from the cars, Bobby wandered off immediately and began talking with several other men. The others stuck close together, not knowing anyone else and feeling a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't until about an hour later that they began to relax a little. Dean and Sam ended up in an intense game of Baggo, which involved throwing bean bags at a propped up piece of plywood with a hole cut into it. Dean's aim was much better, but as Castiel watched the game with interest, he noticed that Dean was clearly letting his little brother win. It was sweet really, seeing them together, getting to know each other all over again. It warmed Castiel's heart to see them getting a second chance like this and it made him miss his sister dearly.

They spent the day eating and talking, Bobby introduced them to a few of his friends, but mostly they just spent time together, time that had been denied them for so many years. When the sun began to set they agreed that it was time to go. On the drive back Castiel rode with Bobby and Sam rode with Dean. Castiel thought it was good for them to have this time alone and Bobby agreed with him. When they arrived back at Bobby's, Dean and Sam got out of the car laughing and smiling. Castiel and Bobby shared a private look of gratitude.

Dean couldn't stop talking about how well the day had gone. He kept saying that things were really starting to turn around. He was disappointed that they had so little time left, Sam's flight left the following afternoon. Despite his slight disappointment nothing could dampen his spirit and he went to sleep that night with a smile on his face. Dean rose earlier than Castiel the next morning, determined to get as much time with his brother as he could. Castiel made his way downstairs to find Dean and Sam sitting on the sofa, deep in conversation. Castiel smiled to himself as he stepped into the room.

"What are you two up to?" asked Castiel approaching them.

"Guess what?" Dean asked Castiel, grinning.

"What?" Castiel asked.

"Sam's just invited us to his wedding." Dean said and Castiel had never seen him so excited before.

"Yeah, I'd love for you guys to be there. I know Jess would love to meet you." Sam said, looking as happy as Dean did.

"That's wonderful." Castiel said happily. "We'd love to go."

"Yeah, we would, this is gonna be great." Dean said. "And it's not even that long of a drive, we can come and visit all the time."

"I'd really like that." Sam said and Castiel knew that he meant it.

The rest of the morning was happily spent in conversation and when it came time for Sam to go, Dean hugged him warmly, looking a little sad. Once Sam and Bobby were gone and the house was empty, Castiel and Dean returned to the living room and sat on the sofa.

"I wish he could have stayed longer." Dean said wistfully.

"I'm sure he does too, but you'll see him soon." Castiel said.

"You think so?"

"Of course, why wouldn't you?"

"I just didn't know if he said all that to be nice, you know." replied Dean uncertainly.

"He meant it." Castiel told him.

"How do you know?" Dean asked.

"I was a priest for many years; I know when someone is lying."

"Right and he wasn't?"

"No." Castiel said smiling.

"Good." replied Dean returning his smile.

They waited until Bobby got back from the airport and when he did they spent their last afternoon with him playing poker, well Castiel tried. They planned on heading out early the next morning; they had a long drive ahead of them, so they decided to call it a night early. They bid their goodnights to Bobby and made their way up to the bedroom they'd been sharing for the past few days. They made sure that everything was packed so that the next morning would run smoother than their departure. When they were certain nothing had been forgotten, they climbed into bed together. It was early still and they weren't all that tired. They'd been lying in silence for a while when Dean spoke.

"Hey Cas." he said.

"Yes Dean?" replied Castiel.

"What are you thinking about?"

Castiel hesitated for a moment. "I was thinking of how nice it would be for us to have a home of our own." he admitted.

"And you'd like that?" asked Dean tentatively.

"Yes, very much so."

"This house, where would you like it to be?"

"Lawrence, I suppose, why do you ask, it was just a thought." said Castiel.

"Well, it's a thought I've had too, for a while now." said Dean.

"Really?" asked Castiel. "You've thought about us moving into a house together?"

"Yeah, in Lawrence actually."

"I thought you wanted to get as far away from that town as you could." said Castiel confused.

"I did before, but now, I mean it's where I met you, you know. It means something to me and it's different now, we can be together now, we don't have to worry about people anymore. And I'd hate for you to have to leave Gabriel."

"Wow, you really have given this some thought." said Castiel fondly.

"Yeah well, it wasn't just thought." Dean said.

"What do you mean?" asked Castiel.

"I was going to surprise you when we got home," said Dean placing a hand on Castiel's chin and tilting his face up so he could look in his eyes. "But I guess I can tell you now."

"Tell me what?"

"I kinda bought us a house." Dean admitted.

"You what?" Castiel almost shouted.

"This is why I wanted to wait. I hope you're not upset, I wanted to surprise you." Dean said.

"I can't believe this." Castiel said dumbfounded.

"Please don't be mad." Dean begged.

Castiel looked surprised. "Of course I'm not mad." he said. "This is amazing Dean, thank you."

"So, this was a good idea?" Dean asked.

"It was a very good idea." replied Castiel before leaning in and kissing Dean deeply.

"I'm glad I did it then."

"So, are you going to tell me about it?" asked Castiel.

"Nope, I'm keeping that a surprise."

"What, you can't do that."

"Oh yes I can, you're gonna have to wait till tomorrow." Dean said.

Castiel heaved a sigh. "Fine." he agreed, but you're going to have to break land speed records to get us home sooner."

"I can do that."

"Good."

It was even more difficult for Castiel to fall asleep now. He lay awake long after Dean in anticipation for the next day, finally after several hours he drifted off. They woke early the next morning and got their things packed into the car. They said goodbye to Bobby, promising to visit again and got into the Impala. Although Dean didn't break any land speed records, he did make the journey home in less time than he'd thought he would. Once back in Lawrence Dean drove right past their street and further on one of the smaller neighborhoods of the town. He drove for several more minutes before stopping in front of a two-story house. There was a "for sale" sign in the yard.

"Is it ours?" asked Castiel excitedly.

"It's ours." replied Dean with a grin.

It was a colonial style home, white with brown shutters and a two car garage. Dean walked up the cobblestone path and unlocked the door with a set of keys that Castiel had never seen before. They walked through the empty house, hand in hand. It was beautiful really; all hard wood floors and granite counter tops.

"How did you afford this?" Castiel asked.

"Alistair paid well and I never really had a reason to spend the money, so it just kind of added up." Dean said. "Do you like it?"

"I love it." Castiel said. "It's beautiful."

"When are we moving?"

As soon as you'd like, I was going to show you before I finalized everything, in case you didn't like it. I can drop the paperwork off tomorrow and we can start moving."

Castiel turned to Dean." There is no one I'd rather spend my life with than you. Thank you Dean, for everything."

"I am very lucky to get to spend my life with you Cas, I love you."

"I love you so much." replied Castiel wrapping his arms around Dean and kissing him right in the middle of an empty house.

It didn't stay empty for long. It took them two days to move everything, with Gabriel's help. He was overjoyed to hear about the move and promised that he'd be over every day; Dean looked less than thrilled at this prospect. Not that he had a problem with Gabriel, they had sorted everything out a while ago and were now friends, no Dean just liked having Castiel to himself and if Castiel was honest with himself, he didn't mind. It was a few weeks after they'd moved in, Castiel and Dean were curled up on the sofa watching something or other on TV. Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder, sighing contentedly. Nothing in life is ever perfect, but sometimes, very rarely you get something so close you can't tell the difference and Castiel was sure they'd gotten pretty damn close and that was good enough for him.

The End


End file.
